30s TTC. It was the BESHt of times,it was the worst of times, it was the age of rummaging in gussets, drinking gin.....

[ginhag]

C'mon in BESHes to the beach bar...sprawl on comfy sofas while you wiggle your toes in the sand and watch a glorious sunset....and drink brightly coloured cocktails with sparklers in. Cos we're classy,innit.

I've got Adam and joe in as barmen, and we have a rather nice Cave of Gloom in the corner for those 'whyyyyyy meeeeeeee???' moments. We have a reggae sound system playing mob barley's greatest hits. It's a sunshine paradise!

Newcomers welcome,as long as they drag along a bucket of black humour and a vast amount of gin. And please note,some of us have been here so long we have forgotten the real world almost entirely.

Now,who's getting the next round in?

The Holiday was rubbish.

I dismissed the mooncup advice just the other day when it was mentioned on the mc thread. I just don't see how it can be necessary. I know it seems like everything runs straight out after the shagging, but enough stays in to give you a fighting chance. What if the stuff that slides out is the lazy Wayne & Waynettas? I want them gone, they're lazy and too busy smoking a fag to go find the egg.

I'm going to see extreme! huzzah!!!

cam [smooch emoticon]

I used to love Jude Law, but as time has gone by, he has become more of a twat and steadily unsexier. Also, his hairline is weird - not normally something to dislike someone for, I'll grant, but I'll make an exception for him.

Re the glass dildo's nice smoothness - surely some kind of plastic could have similar properties, Lyra? PET or ployethylene for instance? And there's then no risk of it splintering and causing horrific and embarrassing injury.

Re the mooncup after sex - surely some other small receptacle would have similar properties? A cup from a doll's tea set for instance?

Re me being up at 5am - I had to arise with MrA as he set off to France and had to catch 8am ferry, to get him up, ensure he had a shower, to make his lunch, ensure he left on time etc. Surely someone else would have similar properties? His mother, for instance? In fact why am I bothering TTC? I have a child already.

ployethylene polyethylene. If anyone thought it was important.

I don't think a glass dildo would be in danger of breaking. It'll be solid and solid glass is pretty tough stuff.

Maybe they'd make it like the safety glasses in pubs? So when you smash it then it breaks into little harmless chunks.

I'm still not encouraged to give one a whirl. I'm such a prude!

Oh YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! Who needs a glass dildo with Lyra about?!

Am off to work - will be using hurty tum as both genuine and fake excuse to do bugger all... hopefully

Watch out! Lyra's about! Watch out! Lyra's about! Watch out...

Yes. As you were.

I have a vision of Aries having a load of fertility tests and a specialist turning to her, lowering his glasses down his nose and saying sternly 'I think I've found your problem. Tell me, when was the last time you played Teddy Bear's Picnic?'

You've lost me there Scorps. I had a very early start. I was singing "Beadle's About"

Oh well.

Unfortunately I did watch The Holiday all the way through. I had insomnia... I hoped it would send me to sleep. It just annoyed me and I went to bed at 2am and had to read for ages to get it out of my mind. I cannot stand Jude Law or Kate Winslet and the whole thing was just utter pish. I wish I'd seen the 'turn it off' advice before wasting nearly two hours of my life.

Oh well. Today I am sewing. I am making the dog a new bed. Well I would be if a) needle hadn't snapped off and b) I could remember how to thread bobbin.

Good luck at works Scorps. I v jealous of *Gin/Streme' meet.

Cor... imagine a real ginstream... we could just lie on the banks in the sun and dunk our heads in.

hello there girlies, am lurking here if nobody minds (or even if you do, hehe)
cos your thread is much amusing me!

I must admit I love the idea of the glass dildos and may perhaps purchase one...

anyway, fascinated by the mooncup suggestion. cuz how are we gonna get pg if all the little sperms all fall out eh?
although am hoping in my case as my DH is a v good swimmer they will take after him and be just fine! does it work like that?

Just realised why I find the idea of a glass dildo so wrong: it's because of those clear penis-shaped things they shove the speculum up during smears etc.

as you were

Clear penis-shape things? WTF? Have I never looked at what they're doing?

Trufax: my first smear. Nervous. Very jolly-hockey sticks doctor comes in, explains what will happen. Am lying on the couch with naked bottom half when she yells, in posh voice, "Gosh, it's just like being in someone else's kitchen, isn't it?" Turns out she meant she couldn't find the speculum, but my mind did briefly boggle.

Glass dildos are wrong because cold. Like the vivid description in vampire novel I read once where vampire had an icy penis. I mean, they obviously would, what with being corpses and having no circulation, but it really messed with my Spike fantasises.

No one is to point out that vampires aren't real. Buffy was a documentary, goddamit.

Yeurgh. Have now gone off Mitchell as reality dawns. Actually I went off him in the last series when he and that woman vampire had a killing spree on the train and then shagged covered in blood and gore. I was nearly sick. It was so not a good look for him. Better as Rossetti I think.

Hello penguin. Penguins are actually one of my favourite creatures.

I wonder if there is any other place in the world where the merits of glass dildos are seriously discussed. Actually, thinking about it, there are probably loads. Actually

drom when I first started having smears, they used the plain old metal speculum, perhaps run under a warm tap if you were lucky. These days they have a lovely acrylic (I think) dildo type thing that makes the passage up there much smoother, even if it looks a little suggestive. I have seen these too many times for my liking, between pre-cancer/infection/other investigations - at least every six months at one point.

Probably best that you don't look, though, especially if it's going to make you think of vampire dick

'ello pick-up-a!

Cooo-eeeee \O

(I was mentioned on the last page and my self-publicizing gene got the better of me)

Was chatting to a BESH friend of mine on FB yesterday - she had a mc at 11 weeks a couple of months ago - and now she's proper menkulling and on her 2WOOFL. I sympathized, whilst recognising all the signs... Bless her, she thought she was the only one in the world ever to do her crust because of the vaguaries of TTC. I informed her of our gang. She was relieved.

Re: sperm catchers (like the child catcher? eeeeeew). I don't think the mooncup per se works, as it won't hold the sperm close to the cervix. What you need is something called a softcup.

WHY DO I KNOW THIS SHIT? I used to have a brain that wasn't filled with ttc CRAP. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Mmmmm. Desperate Romantics. I think VAG let them escape ages ago. What with Brooker having fled, the bar totty are really misbehaving recently.

CUNTeeeeeeeeeeeee! How are you doing?

Slow and lumbering with a big swollen twinkle that drags on the ground.

Not bad for all that though ta.

How's yrsen? Fully recovered?

Will your mate be joining us, oh cunty one?

Well, I have guided her towards the conceptionboard cos she had lots of Q's about oving and temping etc, but in truth she is only 2 months on from her mc (and it was a surprise preg) so I'm reluctant to extend an invitation in case she diffs straight away. She may not have any probs, it's just become the be all and end all for her over the last couple of months so she's dived straight into the Pit of Menkul.

I mean she's lovely and all that, but at the risk of sounding a bit mean and insensitive let's see how she gets on... she'll learn loads from the main board anyway and as soon as she needs the support structure (if she does) I'll point her this way.

furry muff.

Comment? Que?

Here's some exciting non-TTC news: the Embarrassing Bodies truck has just rolled into town. I saw it. This should be a hoot. "Hello I've come to you because I have some weeping pustules in my anus and genitals and I'm too embarrassed to go to the local GP, and I'd prefer to show millions of voyeuristic viewers along with the frankly creepy Doctor Kristian." "OK, pop your trousers down and we'll take a look." . I mean, honestly.