30s TTC. It was the BESHt of times,it was the worst of times, it was the age of rummaging in gussets, drinking gin.....

[ginhag]

C'mon in BESHes to the beach bar...sprawl on comfy sofas while you wiggle your toes in the sand and watch a glorious sunset....and drink brightly coloured cocktails with sparklers in. Cos we're classy,innit.

I've got Adam and joe in as barmen, and we have a rather nice Cave of Gloom in the corner for those 'whyyyyyy meeeeeeee???' moments. We have a reggae sound system playing mob barley's greatest hits. It's a sunshine paradise!

Newcomers welcome,as long as they drag along a bucket of black humour and a vast amount of gin. And please note,some of us have been here so long we have forgotten the real world almost entirely.

Now,who's getting the next round in?

Fanks gin. I love you too

scorp so sorry to hear about that malicious bint of a nurse. . Perhaps you will find comfort in the new fred celebrating pedantry?

Vibrators = my top tip for diffment. I bought a rabbit in Brighton on the Saturday and got a line on a stick four days later. Rabbit has been redundant ever since thanks to having the libido of a raging queen in the Nevada Cathouse. Maybe glass ones are even more magical- like wot Cinderella's slippers were*? That's supposed to help BTW. PLease don't thow your dildos or shoes at me.

Tequila and mud wrestling anyone? Got to do something while waiting for my other half to get home after being abandoned for 10 whole days! (he's on his way!)

• Note: I am not suggesting that Cinders got off on poking herself with a glass stiletto!

x-posts. watching BB on delay so I can FForward the adverts.

She gurt lush this'un!

scorp... aaaargh re stiches. I shall nut her in the face for you. Really hope it feels better tomorrow.

(also,please can I add my shaggathon to the day's haps? As it has been a triumph, and also I like attention )

casp very much yes to tequila and mud wrestling. My bestest and most favourite hobbies!

Am not watching BB. I don't. Have to avoid bringing on The Rage.

Stitches hurt. Am loving the bitchy bobble hat gay. Have decided to watch BB with no shame as it's the last ever series. Is only reason, of course

'course scorps. and also, you are in pain, which means you can officially do what the fuck you like

am soooo not being judgy re bb tho. I simply can't watch it. So, once again am isolated from the televisual bonding experience...

Think I'll live though

cho... you still here?

I don't watch BB but I do see the appeal. No judginess from me. Gin and I can discuss shaggathons instead. Or Springwatch or something.

I may occasionally rant incoherently about the freaks on BB on here, so apologies in advance. One new contestant is a hot tomboy baby lez but she is just soooooooooooooooo awful. So miffed at missing out on girlcrush potential

muse

wouldn't it be great if we both made it this month? And had ickle baybees with some fucking sense of direction and general Work Ethic?

We could shit ourselves in terror together!!! You know, 'I done a big sneeeze, did my baby fall out??' 'I got a stubbed toe, maybe it hurt da baybee??'

And also the whole 'does this shit actually work?' question. Yes I know mine did when I had mani so I should STFU but I think I got broken after that,when I had the mmc and erpcs.

Bleeeurgh.

Anyway, we is probably got baybees innit

I too shall watch Springwatch rather than BB even though they don't clash. Only BB I ever watched was 2006 - I don't know why. I saw the opening night and couldn't stop.

And now back to the farm in Norfolk. How lush is Cwis Packham? How cute are the cygnets? How gross are the adult birds eating their babies' shit?

I watched 5 mins of Springwatch before BB and was reduced to a gibbering wreck at the sight of a female swan really viciously attacking another swan's cygnet just because it swam near her looking for its mummy. She was grabbing it at with her beak and throwing it around I can't handle the stress.

Gin, can I join in the babywin panickers club? Cos you know I'll be panicking no matter which month it occurs in

I really hope you and Muse do make it this month, gin, and that me and Aries are swiftly behind you.

and the rest of us of course, I just picked Aries cos she's roughly at the same cycle point as me.

aries I am worrying about you. First Andy Murray and now Chris Packham...

That would be brilliant gin. I meant to tell you I laughed like a loon at your Wayne & Waynetta solutions. Only I got dragged off to a meeting at work and had to do the fast close so nobody saw what I was doing.

We definitely ought to win this thread. And then everyone else needs to win too. There's a big batch of PESHes who all won around the same time, it is Our Turn.

Isn't Cunty due soon? Like this month?

I am not sure it made sense to anyone else tho...

Yep, cunty on mat leave now, due sometime round 20 somethingth I think. Before end of month anyway...

There is nothing wrong with Chris Packham, I'm with Aries on this one! Although I have to say I did prefer him younger and with bleached hair.

That my dear is for shagging above and beyond the call of duty this month!

Look at the time! I am up!

Bloody hell scorps that nurse's behaviour is appalling. Surely that cannot be allowed?I am sending bitch-slag-whore vibes her way.

Chris Packham = yum!

aries are you meant to be up at that time? Tis not normal.

I've decided to join in the "won a baybee this month" group. Only SWI once so far, but despite being knackered & sadly starting to dread the secks, I have a good feeling about this month.

Glass vibrators are wrong. Just wrong.

polly fanks for letting me know where I've been going wrong. I stoopidly let my rabbit gather dust in my goodie drawer & used a man in my attempt to get diffed. DURRRRR! .

I does hope there is a Mass Diffment this month. I need Good News.

Am very busy and important at work (read: am now In Charge of creating a YA strategy, meaning that reading teen fiction is actually officially my job. Sometimes life is happy). Also am not very happy, so will probably be posting in a self-obsessed manner and then lurking.

This does not mean that I am not thinking about you all. Sloppy wet kisses all round.

PS Polly The Holiday is one of the worst films I have EVER seen. And I love romantic comedies with a deep, boundless passion. I do hope you turned it off before Jude Law became a truly hideous lizard-man hybrid.

That sounds like an amazing job, where do I get one?

Thanks for everyone sending Teh Hate to Nurse Cuntbastard. Tum pain not so bad now. The always-wondrous TYF was so caring about it (he only played 45 mins of PS3, that's how concerned he was for me).

Drom! Getting the YA gig hardly makes up for the BMI-mare, but is small ray of sunshine. Pleased for you.... and so fucking jealous! Do you need any readers to check out your new releases? Hey, my mental age is about 14 (emphasis on the mental, hurhur). Seriously, SEND ME LOADS OF TEENY SUPERNATURAL HOKUM!!!

Laydeez, I read a v weird TTC tip yesterday and was going to link to it but then I got me stitches fucked with and forgot. Anyway, here is the tip, fresh from the US of A: after submitting to relations with one's partner, pop a mooncup up your chuff chuff to stop all the spermz from escaping! Sounds weird and yet logical. I don't have a mooncup but maybe I should. Doesn't sound like the most sensual and romantic of post-coital activities, but bollocks to that - I WANT A BAYBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

PS I fucking hate Jude Law. Saw a clip of him slagging off Charlie Brooker and Marina Hyde for criticising slebs because, according to Law, they're jealous of celebs and don't realise that famous folk are famous because they're better and more important than normal people and they inspire mere plebs to try harder in their own pathetic, meaningless lives (or words to that effect). Cuuuuuuuuuuuuunty lizard man.

Did you make it through the whole of The Holiday, Poll? I didn't, thought it was vile - it felt v. self conscious and fake.

Poor Scorps's tumtum, what a cow to do that to you

RieRie why you on MN at 5am?

It seems I am alone in thinking a glass vibe sounds nice - it would be sooo smoooove.