Are you (a) tired of ttc (b) have sore ladybits from SWIing ! If this sounds like you then hop aboard.

[Icedlemonmuffin]

Hi have made a new batch of cock tail muffins for those of us who have been trying for along time and

(a) are struggling to get excited by the sight of a cockadoodle running towards every other day of our fertile days !!

(b)have sore ladybits from all the SWIing we have been doing the past few months

and

(c) who just want to moan,groan and bitch how boring it can all get!

All funny sperm killing stories welcome I need a laugh and to know I'm not the only one going insane ttc

So hop aboard and you to can be a bus whore like me !!!!!!!!

I enjoyed reflexology, but no luck yet. Although the tests so far implicate lazy sperm rather than me not ovulating. Can I pinch some vodka and coke lady, I'll swap for an L&B? (well, a half smoked one!)

Iced I'm impressed MNing in aldi - pick us up some more booze please.

Orchid welcome, don't forget the money you have spent on boob tubes, sparkly thongs and tiny short skirts!!!

Welcome Orchid. I think you might need to do an initiation test. I think a yard of White Lightening or Hooch should be the test for newbies. Puke - the thought of it makes me sick.

I spent a lot of money on acupuncture and falling asleep-- hypnotherapy but still no baby for me.

Well less than a month til TH has to wank in a pot again. Hopefully the results will come back more conclusive this time.

Icedlemon-cd12 2 shags
FairyG-cd12 1 shag
Liahgen-cd6 1 shags woohoo
Loujalou-cd3 0 shags (obviously!!!)
Sponge-cd18 2 shags (and good ones!)
LadyBird -cd5 0 shags (due to red river)
Umbongo cd 17 3 shags!!

just updating cos you seem to have missed the fact that I have in fact made it off the starters block. I reckon you did it on purpose so that Dazzer thinks you is better than me

Sorry Lia was a bit tied up at aldi! I'm innocent the bottle just fell into my bag honest!!

Well our gang is getting bigger, which means we can cause more trouble down at the park. I think we should go on a girl gang outing - go on get excited- we should go to manc land and be in the audience of jk!!!!

A test question for newbies- where do you put fake tan?

Hi was thinking about posting this in AIBU section but thought I would run it past the gang first.

Myself and dh have been ttfc for a while now and frankly I'm fed up of it especially as dh is always late home over fertile period and I'm too tired to be a good wife and wait up. So I suggested that on said nights I will leave my knickers off and dh does the business and then puts my nightie down! Dh wasn't impressed but it's either this way or he leaves the White goods in a pot in the fridge and I will do the delivery in the morning with a turkey baster. I think he is being unreasonable what do you think.

He is Def BU but just for the record you need to keep the white goods warm, so best place is under your arm really. Bloody men, so selfish, we slave and cook and get em b and H whenever they want it, even rustle up the ole white lightening even if we have to tap our granny till the dole money comes in and do they appreciate it? No do they buggery

still am glad we had nooks last night cos my dh is glued to the bloody election, whats that all about, I don't understand it so i don't vote, noone can blame me for the state of the country then can they?

Icedone he is being VVVVVVVU. He needs to get a jog on and give you the goods and the babyyyyyy you deserve.

Well the red river has gone now so i can now compete in shag watch. Going on holiday tonight and dp has promised lots of shags while we are away so we shall see

Iced the fake tan has to applied to the fronts of the legs, the backs of my legs stay white. Whilst on holiday i will only sunbathe on my back so only the front of me will be brown or should i say bright red what a classy look that will be.
I have packed my case which is full of sparkly thongs, white denim skirt, playboy hot pants, playboy bikini which only just covers my nipples and lots more chav-tastic items but to many to mention. As soon as we arrive we will be down to the British bar (even though we're in spain) drinking plently of sambuca's and pints of white lightning, we will stumble home and i will flash my white bum to the spanish locals and stop off for a shag on the beach in view of everyone walking past. Nice!!!!

Ladybird I have just one word 'chavtastic' !!!!

Have a great holiday and don't burn your nips!!!

I can pass the initiation test with flying colours. Pass me two yards of white lightening and I promise I won't puke all over the sparkly thongs. I'm no lightweight you know

Newbies question: Surely fake tan goes on your face, top of hands, nips and lady bits -they're the bits people see most!!

On a more serious note. Ladybird, reflexology is great. If nothing else it's a time to relax when the rest of the time is spent thinking about babies - or lack of them. The lady I see is a fertility specialist and we work sessions around my cycle. I conceieved DC1 after two months of seeing her last time and so did a friend of mine. Whether it is just taking some time out, or the fact it does actually help, in my mind it's worth it!

Does that mean I can stay? (hic, hic, smelly white lightening breath).

Lady I am glad you are going on that holiday to relax like everyone who got duffed easily recommended. Not sure that they would recommend the booze but me thinks it helps us forget the lack of baby. Maybe we should all move from park to the beach on holiday with you.

Orchid you are in as long as you don't puke breathe in my direction.

Me is feeling all political and started me own thread in that part of the world mumsnet. I think all that white lightening is doing the trick.

What was your thread Lou?

Jk or trisha to rule the world!!!!

Yes we all should leave the park and go to the beach, lots of barmen , so booze and sex!!

This one about how Nick Clegg might get hurt if I see him

Well done Lou. staying on politics my dd wanted to know why we had to put a cross on a piece of paper and why couldn't we vote like x factor!!

coming off politics (sorry been quiet but my laptop has a virsus & won't switch on). Shag watch for me needs to be reset with this weird period I'm having so I'm back to day 4! Anyone want to update???

Why aint there nufink on TV on Sat night. Fancy the park????

I am off to the beach with Lady and my bumper pack of Hooch and Wkd. Care to join me FairyG? You can have some of my sun oil so that we can roast nicely in the sun together.

Not sure I have the brain power to update shag watch and have just fallen out with TH so its unlikely I am getting any. [Stomps out the room]. Nearly typed womb!

You can storm out of the womb if you like!!!

I'm deffo with u...can we hve some cock tails like pina colada as we're gonna head to the beach. I'll pack my white bikini!!! It'll have to be primarni!

ok I'll try!

Sponge-cd20 2 shags (and good ones!)
Umbongo cd 19 3 shags!!
Icedlemon-cd14 2 shags
Liahgen-cd8 1 shags woohoo
LadyBird -cd7 0 shags (due to red river)
Loujalou-cd5 0 shags (obviously!!!)
FairyG-cd4 0 shag

I hope thats ok!!!

Sponge-cd20 2 shags (and good ones!)
Umbongo cd 19 3 shags!!
Icedlemon-cd14 2 shags
Liahgen-cd8 2 shags woohoo even enjoyed them both so far.
LadyBird -cd7 0 shags (due to red river)
Loujalou-cd5 0 shags (obviously!!!)
FairyG-cd4 0 shag

Am in middle of making 50 cupcakes for dd's dance show in the morning so just checking in to update my shags

Back tomorrow, have good evening ladies.

Well I've got my playboy bikini on so can I join you all on the beach with a cocktail umbrella in my wkd!

Sorry Lou tell him about shagwatch and shame him!!

Lia hope you got all your cupcakes done and good luck for the show!

Fairy thought you had got banged up for shagging in the park!!!

Hope you got your cakes done Lia We had a very good evening! so will just update

Sponge-cd21 2 shags (and good ones!)
Umbongo cd 20 4 shags!!
Icedlemon-cd15 2 shags
Liahgen-cd9 2 shags woohoo even enjoyed them both so far.
LadyBird -cd8 0 shags (due to red river)
Loujalou-cd6 0 shags (obviously!!!)
FairyG-cd5 0 shag

Would also like to report that 4 in one month is more than we have managed for AGES. I think dh has had a lightbulb moment about sex causing babies

Nope out on good behaviour!!!! (well I say good behaviour...)

Go Unbongo & Lia!!!!

Sponge-cd21 2 shags (and good ones!)
Umbongo cd 20 4 shags!!
Icedlemon-cd15 3 shags
Liahgen-cd9 2 shags woohoo even enjoyed them both so far.
LadyBird -cd8 0 shags (due to red river)
Loujalou-cd6 0 shags (obviously!!!)
FairyG-cd5 0 shag

Well managed to avoid major grumps with dh and have sex instead, like UmBongo this is the most we have managed in months and I have booked dh in again on Tuesday !!!

Hope every one is having a good Sunday, we all went to the park and got eaten alive by what dd likes to call Midgets!

Go you Iced!!!

I'm trailing big time!!!!

I tried something new as dh said he felt like a cock on legs, I texted him in the morning asking could I book his 'services' that night so it didn't feel so much like 'work' sex and then after being serviced I asked could I book him again in two nights time. Every other night, I know would be better, but just doesn't seem to work with us we end up arguing rather than having sex!