Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

Hello Folic!

Hello everyone, and welcome new recruits!

I am trying to get my BMI sub-30 before my consultation at Midlands Fertility Services. It is currently 30.72 according to Fertility Friends. I need to lose 5 pounds in 16 days. I'm bloody starving.

So if it's all right with you, I'm going to get started on my fantasy bargain bucket (in my fantasy, it's been freshly cooked - like that ever happens) and a pint glass of frosty margarita. I just fancy it.

Folic Alas, there was no photocopying. The deed was done before work. And only a little bit of obligatory legs in the air nonsense before I showered, faffed around, cycled to the office and still spent most of day with an unscathed gusset . It wasn't until late afternoon I bent down to pick something up and it all. went. wrong.

Jewels having a fanjo like the sweaty club the beatles were famed for can only be A Good Thing. Kegels a go go lady.

Sherry it is doable, make sure you do big poo and dehydrate self on the day. All healthy advice from me.

Me? I'm at home already, bunked off early. Drinking a glass of milk (latest obsession) and about to settle down to the crimson petal and the white on sky plus.

Afternoon all. Hope you are well and your imaginary buckets of gin runneth over.

If you have 2 mins I have a boring Rara-absorbed query I'd appreciate some help with. So mc in jan, 1st cycle 36 days (assuming everything cocked up), next one 27 days and period started today on day 25. Normally I am 28 days like clockwork.

So when do I have next have sex? Do I base my ov on a 25 day cycle? A normal 28? Or a mean average of the previous 3 months? Or do we have sex every other day for 3 weeks post period? In which case, like an Alaskan salmon during spawning season, I fear bits may drop off Mr Rara before he eventually curls up and dies.

Advice appreciated!

jewels am impressed with your spunk retaining skills!

folic you tried out the hat and whistle yet?

And hello everyone else!

Helllllooooooooo!
I feel so bad I have been neglecting my little coven! I was away with wrk for 10 days (internet withdrawal, massively!) and have only just got rid of visitors, etc so now I can lie on my ass and check in with you all again!

folic glad everything seems to be going ok, try not to freak, but I presume that freakage is entirely normal

And hello all newbies and delurkers! Keep it up!

Still amused at the image of me doing my shopping whilst trying semen retention positions jars LMAO. I love it when DH jokingly grabs my legs post-ttc shag and whips them in the air, pretending to shout encouragement to the little swimmers he has unleashed!

And although I may seem as if I am back, I am but a tease...

Yes, I look as if I am back to stay, but noo! I am off to Dubai in about 3 hours and I haven't packed yet - and yet here I am, mning away. House is a state, wet washing in the machine, nothing ready. Ah well, my old mantra 'Sure we can buy that at the airport' will have to come out again!

So will have to catch up when I get back as I will be too busy shagging and sunbathing when there - although not at the same time, horror of ending up in prison

Big love! x

oh man, Friday took a long time to arrive this week? Dearie me

Folic thanks, I guess I knew I have to cut down booze etc and get off my ass and start doing something but still a bit sulky about it :) Boozehound days are over I think

Well, Mr Wino and I can do no more this month, been slightly obsessive this month and tracked my ovulation down to the second with Ov. stick and monitor combo and then given it a large effort over a 24 hour period (feel a bit sorry for my poor bombarded egg) finished off nicely this morning so very much like yourself jewels am sitting at my desk with legs crossed to try and stop the concieve plus/jizz cocktail escaping for as long as poss!

and so the fun of waiting begins again...... got docs appt tomorrow for Mr Wino swimmer results so we'll have to see what they say!

rara will try the whole head pointing north, gotta be worth a go! LOL Also, if you have the pennies ovulation sticks will help you work out when to get your stetson out.... I used the first response ones before I got my monitor and they are good to use (about £20 for a month, which is only 3 bottles of wine in my brain) gives you a 24 hours heads up to go go go! Might help with irregular cycles?

tante have fun in Dubai, you lucky monkey!

right, off to make doing as little work as possible look very much like doing as much as possible...

too early for margheritas ladies?

wino have my ovaries crossed for you that fertilisation is a go.

Will try ov things then I think. Been a bit reluctant in the same way I refused to get a sat nav for years and now I have one it might actually be my best friend! Also doesn't sound so bad when you count cost in wine! May apply that fiscal reasoning to other areas of life...

Happy Friday ladies!

rara purely sticking my beak in, and if it were me irrespective of length of cycle this month because it sounds like you're generally quite regular, I would abstain from day 9 and then ride mr rara on days 12, 14 and 16 this month - going on the fact that most women ovulate on day 14 or 15???

Not sure if that's medically sound but should mean you 'catch the egg'

I'm a bit of a control freak so like to watch my hormones rise (and sadly fall :() so I can make the most of those few high fertility days. Just my opinion, someone else will tell you something different I'm sure...

Good luck!

Hello gorgeous ladies, just checking in quickly - I seem to miss a lot these days

And welcome newbies, hope you bought plenty of supplies!!!

Am going away for a few days to my Mums then seeing other relatives so won't be back til Wed.

I've completed my 3 months on the pill (those who were around then will know that the doctor put me on the pill to stimulate my cycle as I wasn't ovulating - after effect of the depo injection). So should be surfing the crimson wave by Tuesday, completed by Saturday & can properly start shagging like proper TTC-ers, yay! Shag stations & faked enthusiasm for daily sex here we come!!!

Amazing catch up soon & have fab week-ends!! :)

Loopy - I know someone who went on the pill for 6 months to boost her fertility - she got pg first month off it. Hope it works for you.

As far as jizz retention goes, I seem to retain DH's population paste quite well - not that it does any bloody good.

CD13, not a lot happening.

I now need to lose 3 pounds to be the weight I claimed I was in the fertility clinic's paperwork. 4 pounds from now I will be merely OVERWEIGHT, and not OBESE! Hah. 13 days to go. They have my money already.

Have a good Sunday.

hellooooooo, well now, may just be talking to myself but update in my camp is that Mr Winos second semen test is much better. He is so relieved, I have a very happy husband!

The doc we saw was fab and has referred me on to hospital for tests on my tubes etc etc and having blood taken on Thursday to see whether I am actually ovulating or not.

Feel in two minds about it but obviously any investigations are good, just feel a bit nervous I guess. My boss has had tubal tests and said they hurt like a bitch so that's probably not helping!!!

Obviously am still in the 2WW club desperately waiting for jaggy ish fanny sensations but nothing as yet!

sherry hope the dust eating is going well.

loopy hope your crimson wave arrived today and you're all set to pounce on MrLoopy

Yay to the wino-sperm! I'm 2WWing too, though with minimal expectation as despite my EXcellent retaining (posts passim) and increasing careful use of opks didn't pin down any ovulatory activity.

How's everyone else doing?

2 week wait here too. I'm 8 DPO. Assuming I did actually O this month. Had one follicle at day 13 and a positive pee-stick, but I'm not convinced. The only outward sign of any hormone activity is that my eyebrow threader tactfully suggested she do my chin too. Oh, the shame.

I think we'll call it a day after this month on clomid. I went up to 100mg, but still not a very convincing response. It is now slowly sinking in that we really really don't stand a chance (the consultant calmly telling me my periods will almost certainly stop in my 30s was quite a big hint!) And I kind of want to forget about it all for a bit. That's why I've been so quiet this month.

Anyway, enough me me me.

Wino brilliant news! So worth the second test. Good for Mr Wino. Try not to worry about your tests. Remember, knowledge is power.

Jewels I'm in awe of your pelvic floor.

Hope everyone else is ok

I have an egg! CD16 and I have an egg!

Good news that I have an egg this early - that means we won't have to DTD at my inlaws' house over Easter! Hooray.

Good luck with the 2ww Phoebe.

Hello!

Good luck to those on the dreaded 2 ww. May your wombs be filled with a happy mixture of spunk and eggs.

Also great sperm news wino!

I am still waiting to get cracking. Have informed Mr Rara he'd better brace himself for some serious action. He looks suitably scared. In other news I have been on anti biotics which have resulted in wicked thrush and my post DD piles have randomly put in an appearance. So that lot combined with period related bloating means I quite frankly resemble a sex goddess. How Mr Rara can keep his hands off me is a mystery.

And we've run out of wine. Dammit.

Hope you are having more fun days!

Is it my round? What are we all drinking?

Clearly we should be cracking open a bottle of bubbly with news of Mr Wino?s sperm & Sherry?s egg :)

Good luck mamarara, you foxy lady, you! And good luck all those who are partaking in the 2WW! May all those little swimmers meet your eggs with glee & joyfulness

Sorry to hear the clomid?s not working for your Phoebe ? that?s rather shite

Sherry how can you tell if you have good jizz retaining qualities or not???

How?s things with you Folic? Has anything improved at work yet?

Chocs how are the wedding plans going? I don?t seem to have received my invite yet? Mind you, I don?t seem to have received one yet from Wills & Kate so they are obviously cutting it a bit fine!!!

Ellis/Jars how are you?

Apologies to anyone who I?ve missed?

I?ve got AF visiting at the mo and after this, it could be make or break time! I shall be POAS, and CD whatever, etc. I?ve got no less than 6 (yes 6!!) apps on my iphone to help me predict fertile days, etc & I feel almost excited Of course, I?m putting a lot of confidence in the fact I have had 3 withdrawal bleeds the last 3 months with the pill so just hoping it?s kicked my cycle back into shape!

Hope everyone is ok?It?s my 34th 24th birthday tomorrow and am on a week off which has been lovely so far. I?ve been to see my Mum for a few days in Wales, then to Northants to see my Grandad & Aunty and today spent all day in the gardening, de-weeding, scrubbing the patio, lots of planting, etc . I just can?t believe how satisfying it all feels ? and just how much I?ve turned into my Mother!

Where IS everyone?

Are you all taking the whole Easter thing to heart and all at it like bunnies???

Loopy -

It has been quiet on here. There always comes a point when it's just a waiting game and there's not much more to say!

My egg has now been and gone, so mercifully, we need not bring the shag rag to inlaws' at Easter!

I am CD20 - 2WW.

Hope you have a lovely Easter - my husband has bought me a humungous Thorntons number - I'll eat it slowly...2 pounds to go before clinic appointment next Fri.

I will be having a little RL wine to ease my passage through a long weekend at in laws and also lunch with my heavily-pregnant -with twins, of course - old workmate,

Have a good one!

Sherry I meant to say my hubby bought me a beautiful Dinnny Hall necklace for my birthday - thanks for mentioning those a while back on one on your sprees [bugrin]

Hello, my dears. I am delurking, having been away + phone crisis for a week or so.

Hooray for Mr Fin's jizz & Sherry's Easter egg!

I am on CD 33, so am awaiting the flood any minute now. I have not POAS as we have managed one shag far too early in my cycle to conceive. How rubbish are we? So I am just waiting for the spotting to start.

However, I am also full of chocolate and slightly punk from the sun (and hungover to fuck and back from celebrating 5 glorious years of marriage), so life is good.

Off to catch up, back soon.

PS never have a cocktail in which three of the ingredients are different kinds of rum and which contains absinthe. Oh, the humanity.

Ok. I am cross, cross, cross.

15 dpo. No period. HUGE sore boobs. Two negative tests.

But I'm not really 15 days post anything, because my day 21 progesterone was 4. Yes, that's right. 4. Not 40 or even 14. 4.

So, clearly I didn't ovulate and I'm not pregnant, so where is my period and why, when in fact I'm almost completely devoid of hormones, do I feel so damn hormonal and, well, pregnant?

And I'm back at work after a lovely week off.

And MrC's bike got stolen last night.

Fuck it all.

How unfair, Phoebe. All of it. I had late period & massive sore boobs this month too but it turns out it was just the mother of all periods.

Stupid rubbish biology.

Boo phoebe and jars monster periods suck big fat fairy ones.
And bike theft is a shocker - Mr Raras bike was stolen a while back and am sure he still pines for it. Silly bugger.

Hope you all had good weekends apart from knickers and bikes.

We're still spawning so still in the optimistic phase. Am sure descent into pessimsm will start fairly soon though. Although Mr R's helpful post coital comments of 'that must have done that time' have only enhanced the romance of it all.

Fingers crossed for gOod news from someone here soon.

Rara laughed out loud at Mr R's comment Why is it men are so confident at the sheer force & power of their own sperm?!!

And I think it only fair that Folic is placed into a Buddha-like shrine so we can all rub her tummy for luck

s'up gang? mr j&b's running late and I was nearly unreasonably aggrieved about it and then thought I could use the time to say hey. I've checked in on the phone whilst oot and aboot hoping for news of you lot but not had quality time with the laptop to actually post.

Phoebe, dude. Sucks. Sorry.

Me? Lateish period, soreish boobs, moodyish mood etc etc but pissed on more bloody sticks that I like to count and nothing doing. And I missed the entirety of the otherwise national heatwave last weekend up (freezing) hills on the isle of arran, in an actual goddam anorak. So I'm going to stay in the south and get good and wasted this time round.

What gives with the rest of you? Keep it coming peeps. Us lurkers need updates!