1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

FFJ meringues...

Reminds me of the immortal semen cookbook. Here it is for the n00bs, courtesy, I believe, of our own darling Pette in the first instance.

Salad I want to hear about your cervix please .

How the fuck did you find it?? I had always imagined it to be a good three feet up there. What does it feel like? (the only time I've ever been aware of its presence was when being serviced in the manner of our four-legged mammallian cousins, and then I'm generally wincing and trying to unobtrusively inch forward, rather than giving my inner biology much thought).

Ocs you too? How have I not achieved this rite of passage? Do you have to fist yourself in the manner of niche clips on YouPorn?

Well, Miss, my idea is that I put the excess in Jam jars and post it to you all!!

Salty will you provide a wooden spatula or similar for ease of application?

The colour was paramount in the decision making process. Also I thought it would be a useful tool to distinguish it from the 50,000 other Fiestas that are likely to be parked in the vicinity at any one time.

Hmm, traveling cervixes eh? (cervii?) Thats something to look forward to then. This Charting business is no end of entertainment, might as well sell the tv.

I thought a pipette, Headgirl

So who wants some?

incidentally, cervix really does feel like the tip of your nose, some of the time, and your lips the rest. Well, mine does anyway...

Salty do you think it keeps OK at room temp or would you need to ship it in a refrigerated lorry?

HB no fisting involved, just some poking around and going 'ooooh, so that's where that is'. It's a bit of a way up and just feels sort of different to everything else. I haven't worked out how people tell whether it's open or closed though. It is of course possible that I've found some entirely different part of my anatomy and am deluding myself.

ZOMG HB (sorry but that cook book deserved it) semen creme caramel? sweet bejesus. reminds me of the book an indian gentleman sent my boss once, extolling the health benefits of quaffing your FMU. that not green with envy.

Really? How far up is it?

Don't make me Google 'how can I find my cervix'.

The tip of your nose? Why? How?

I'm starting to find this upsetting.

Pipette, yes! What about the labelling? Clinical and clean, or something a little girlish and whimsical to set at ease the anxious BESH?

Erm, at its furthest point it's a stretch to find with my middle finger, less so the rest of the month. But clearly that only works as a measurement with my finger and my cervix. It depends what angle you're at as well.

Wouldn't FFJ just clog up a pipette? Would it ever come back out again? Or do you have more hi tech ones in mind than the squishy plastic ones we used to use in the lab?

Occy room temp will be just fine, as long as I close the jars good and tight and put one of those wax circles on the top.

HB it is like, easily reachable without your hand disappearing up inside you...

Whimsical I think..

salty's homespun FFJ

Har, thanks for clickety-clicking Salady. Much the same reactions as I had.

Google images confirms that a cervix somewhat resembles the unforeskinned helmet of a cock moments after ejactulation. Men turn out to be merely inside-out women, after all. Who knew?

(The spelling fairies are on holiday)

what I want to know is how they take those photos! Or maybe I don't....

Labelling, definitely girlish and whimsical but please NO PINK.

HB i can only just reach mine with the tips of my fingers, its sort of at the back and i thought it felt more like a small firm peeled fruit of some sort (maybe apricot?) I only found it cos there is advice on FF of how to 'gather' CM if its not flowing down river.

Believe me Occywoccydoodah in these quantities, it'll come out. You could just use a teaspoon, obviously. Ooh, maybe I'll supply a novelty tea spoon instead....

This: "This Charting business is no end of entertainment, might as well sell the tv. "

and this: " "

have both just made me actual Laugh Out Loud

Head I've never found mine either. But then, I've never looked for it. Possibly that's why. My only involvements with it have been during, as you say, fervent congress and in labour, when it seemed there had been an agreement taken before I got there that no-one was to go off shift without discovering The Wonder Of My Netherds for their very selves

Cassington

I once got told by a smearnurse that I had a 'very well behaved cervix'.

...but a very slippery womb. (to be fair, the nurse didn't actually say the last bit. First bit is TRUFAX tho!)

Salad. Are you absolutely sure you didn't leave an apricot up there in some sort of bizarre fertility ritual?

A very well behaved cervix? FFS. Reminds me of my recent smear when the nurse said, with half her arm up me, "Oh, you're taller up there than you look" !!

Perhaps that's why I've never found it.

...badly behaved cervix...

... badly behaved cervix...