1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

Badly behaved internets too, by the looks of it.

Off the gynaecological topic, as anyone ever tried to cut some long layers round their face? If so, how? And was it a success?

well I was quite proud that at least one bit of my reproductive tract was behaving itself....

cass perhaps I have a badly behaved cervix and it left it up there along with the empty bottles of white lightening, take away cartons and over flowing ash trays.

Mind you, apricots are probably too healthy for its badly behaved tastes.

I can't see the links, which, given I'm on Manstew's work PC is probably a good thing.

But when you've found your cervix, what do you do with it? What is ze point?

What is it Salty ? Speak UP girl!

Cass you prod it and think 'hmn, wonder if that means I'm ovulating/about to ovulate/the droid/I'm diffed (delete as applicable)'

HB long layers can look luvverly - sort of start at your chin and flick round to frame your face. Are you being done?

no-one gives one single solitary shit about my hair problems

You lot are gross. It's excellent.

Now pass me one of them there jam jars and a plunger, pliz.

I've never given the location of my cervix any thought until today, and am not really up for the idea of going looking for it - especially if there is a risk it will not be well-behaved, don't want to anger it by poking

Cass I am alarmed by concept of nurse inserting half an arm. I may swap my baybee winning plan for something less internal, like, erm, keeping chinchillas or guinea pigs.

I have long layers cut around my face, I can recommend it.

Oh oh thanks Salty. Um, budget expended this month so was going to pop to the bathroom with my sharpest sewing scissors and do it myself. I have quite long (well past bra strap) thick hair with a shortish blunt fringe and I look about 9 . there are some layers but they've all grown out so my hair goes along-along-along (that's the fringe) and then whoops! (that's the eight inch drop from the finge to the next longest bit) then along along along again. And instead I want it to go along-whoops-along-whoops-along-whoops-along-along-along.

Do you see?

HB are you going to do it yourself? I have layers in mine and occasionally trim it myself but if your is not layered at all at the mo, it might be quite difficult to do. also it works best if you use one of those razor thingies the hair dresser has. quite difficult with scissors from scratch i think.

Woah there Headcase step away from T'scissors. reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaalllly don't layer your hair yourself. I did once, and thhen had to go to v expensive hairdresser to get it sorted, whilst she pissed herself laughing.

Don't do it my dear.

My son handed me a solitary shit this morning. In a plastic pot. It was a special moment.

Do it Head ! If nothing else it'll take focus off Lolly's Tango feet

headcut you have AMAZING descriptive powers, you should do this for a living (oh wait)

if you have watched the hair dresser do it before I reckon you would be ok, but I'd start at the bottom and take a bit more off each time, rather than going for it straight away.

That toothed fanny thing reminds me of a book i've read, cant put my finger on it... Good job really, could be painful

Is only front bit tho....

'Kay. I'm going to go and rummage for my cervix instead. Nothing on telly...

Head don't get muddled and give your cervix a layered bob....

Oh dear. I don't think it's gone very well

Tant pis. I have so much hair and it's so messy, I'd have to shave half of it off and entice a small but affectionate family of house-martens to nest in the remaining thatch before anyone noticed anything was awry...

Which did you do? Which didn't go well? Which is hairy???

Shit cass is she talking about her cervix??

She's got birds living in her thatch?

Shit. I've got mice in my kitchen and I thought that was bad enough...

HEADGIRL tell us what happened deary, I'll make you a nice cuppa and a piece of toast with my special jam on it...

Mmmmmmmmmmmm, salty .....