Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

[FellatioNelson]

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

InGod - brilliant thank your DH for doing my research for me, will google to find my nearest.

Yep, I am lucky that DH is embracing this, I may have to keep an eye as he's likely to make it Banksy-does-christmas or similar.

Just nipped to the supermarket and came back with wrapping paper and cards :)

I got white paper with snowflakes on. Going to buy a load of proper red ribbon (not the nasty plastic stuff) to tie round the presents to match the new lounge.

Bwaaaa haa haa at wrapping paper matching the lounge... I thought it was just me! :)

I spent last night indulging myself reading all of this lovely thread, so can I join in now please?

The only thing I really ponce over is wrapping paper. In the past I've done -

brown paper and gingham, with candy canes

brown paper and huge white ribbon, with brown luggage labels

plain white paper with rainbow coloured ribbons and one of those blow-whistle things

red and white paper with white ribbons

silver paper with silver ribbons and a silver bauble / gold ditto

palest blue paper with white ribbons and Alice in Wonderland tags

What can I do this year? :)

And just like that, I've gone off my paper

I'm amazed at 1234's DH as well - mine just says "what's this supposed to be?" at whatever new ponciness appears each year. He got all excited about 8 years ago and made us buy a 7ft tall fibre optic Christmas tree but apart from that he stays out of it all.

Impressed by wrapping ideas! My best was a quality street theme- lots of bright colours/gold and foil.

Can anyone recommend a good xmas music cd? I have got 'christmas together' dean martin & nat king cole which we both like. DP is not keen on carols though. Ideas?

Am I too late to hop on the Poncetastic Christmas express? I've been in denial throughout September, but I'm finally ready to shrivle some oranges and bake that cake but glazed nut and dried fruit dundee style topping or royal icing?. What's the consensus this year?

It's mid October for heaven's sake! What was I thinking? So much to do, so little time...

Ooh look DD1 would LOVE her pressies to be wrapped like that!

Yum

Now, being inspired by tales of knitted boobs on another thread, I wondered whether knitting a pair or two would make good christmas tree decorations, maybe with a bit of sparkly round the nipple. Or whether tit themed tree would count in the poncetastic scale of things.

Mummywahha, I was given silver sequin nipple tassles in a secret santa and I hang them on the tree every year.

Hand knitted nigellaeqsue tits with gingham aprons attached?

I'm reaching for the Angora, anyone got a good pattern?

Or perhaps festive gordon ramsey faces with wee knitted santa hats and holly-garlanded willys?

glitterkitty - we all love this

The DC get hopelessly excited at the Louis Armstrong track

I have gone over the edge and ordered new curtains for our lounge today, my main reason for the choice of fabric was would it go with the Christmas decorations!!

Some of my DDs salt dough creations look a tad phallic so we are well into this trend!

What is next on your list of preparations? we're making mincemeat tomorrow...

I have made my Christmas cake

Very productive day here - salt dough decs done, oranges drying in the oven, nativity scene ordered... and best of all, three crocheted snowflakes made!!! And I've never crocheted before!! Thank you Youtube...

[polishes Domestic Goddess badge, adjusts nursing bra]

I've bought the blank cards and sorted out DD's craft stuff ready for the production line.
I moved my dried citrus/cinammon/clove etc wreath today and it still smelled divine. Worth all the fuss to have that smell a year later! DD also picked me a small sprig of holly with berries on.

Sue how did you make that??/

Bought some lovely cotton lawn yesterday, just half a metre to do some experimenting. I'm planning to make a table cloth (we have an odd sized large table) and matching napkins. The lawn is white and I've got some good quality silver thread, so planning to try out some different stitches on my sewing machine and see what works.

Anyone know a good place to buy cloves rather than the small jars they sell in supermarkets?