Fellatio's thread for a Poncetastic Christmas.

[FellatioNelson]

OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom. A bit like the war in Afghanistan, only with nicer food and sparkly shoes.

So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobsworth ponce, join me on this thread.

Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapes and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.

Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessies' on the packet, this is not the thread for you.

Oh and am MNing comforted by the scent of a cinnamon candle burning by the fireplace......poncetastic!

Nice touch with the cinnamon candle

Delia's cake bag wouldn't work for me as dh and I HATE mixed peel so I left that out and also glacier cherries and nuts so basically it's not really Delia's cake

Do you use marzipan on your cake? I want to ice mine but neither dh or I are keen on marzipan. Last year I put the icing straight on the cake, it tasted great but looked awful after the first few days as the cake sort of leaked through the icing in dodgy brown patches, poncetastic it was not!

I am going to Country Living Christmas fair in Glasgow next Saturday and i cannot wait.Poncetastic all round entertainment

Vintage4 - I demand that you come back and tell us it was crap as I didn't make it to the London one

LOLing at dodgy brown patches on cake :o

Yes I marzipan mine. How about rolling the marzipan as thin as possible? To give a barrier but not too strong a flavour?

Am v jealous of country living poncetastic fair going.

However, I do live in the sticks and therefore placate myself with knowledge that I am on fact country living everyday :o

Keep deluding yourself Tulpe

I did wonder if you could do a very thin layer of fondant icing and then do the proper royal icing over the top, what do you reckon?

I bought special Christmas snowy lavatory paper last week. For CHRISTMAS.

We have been hit by a D&V bug, children sick in every bed and on every possible sheet / duvet cover combination.

But that is NO excuse to use the special Christmas lavatory paper! Is it now?

also at CL fair. Not that I could afford anything.

I have a lovely garland of red felt hearts bought from the local Sally Army stall on Friday, already up cos I couldn't resist them. And a singing robin on a perch who tweets carols. Obv not poncetastic at all but occasionally my naff side breaks through

DD and I were going to watch a Christmas DVD but the dvd player has suffered an odd accident in my absence this week that has led to buttons hanging on by threads.

made the cake today :)

There was too much mixture for the 23cm Nigella cake so I ended up making an extra one - albeit only small (roughly 2lb loaf tin size). I am going to send to FiL as he loves Christmas Cake but wouldn't make or buy one for himself.

Also found novel method of smoothing top of cake.......as you will probably know (being of poncetastic and therefore homebaking persuasion), there is a great big barrier of baking parchment to negotiate when smoothing top of cake before baking. I had a lightbulb moment this morning and used the potato masher to do the job! Smoothest top cake I have ever made!

Ooooh Country Living Christmas Fair was Fab, you couldn't get much poncier.

We got train home (laden with goodies) and spent 3 hour journey eating truffles washed down with a few vinos.... was lurvely!

Another vote here for Nigella's xmas muffins - I thought they were lovely!

I would love to have a poncetastic christmas but with it only being me and DP and we are going to my mothers for dinner I struggle to get motivated!

Usually make my own cards and am thinking about making the spiced hot choc and some biscuits to give to friends.

DD and I have spent a lovely afternoon cross stitching christmassy things (snowmen/reindeer etc) onto plastic cross stitch squares to make into decorations. We had a very nice open fire going but I did manage to hold off on the christmas dvd.

I have to admit in all honesty that my hand did hover over it, but I resisted.

I also fed the cake and turned the sloe gin.

ninks my lot have been warned off the loo roll in no uncertain terms - but even I might bend in the wake of a d&v explosion!

Yes, we must up the ponceing ante here.

This weekend I have made 4 kilner jars of mincemeat (strange suet free nigella version- bit nervous about this TBH), 4 1 pint xmas puddings (delia), and 2 8inch christmas cakes (also delia).

Have also bought a lovely white frosted glass yankee candle tart burner, and carefully reviewed my yankee christmas tart/candle selection.

I have also bought 300 lights for tree (trad multi color NOT led- white is just not right); 100 red berry lights; and a few poncey decs from b&q (this years selection- 5/10).

Still no pigging advent calendar.

Have attempted to read the whole thread but got over-whelmed half way through so apologies if this has been covered!

Am making some little hampers for some relatives. Have made so far:

Spiced apple chutney (homegrown apples - extra points on the ponce-o-meter?).

Er, that's it.

Am also planning:

Sweet spicy pecans (cinnamony / nutmegy - DH colleague has fantastic recipe)

What else? I need specific tried-and-tested recipes please ather than just "oh, something boozy"! Thinking of doing dry cookie ingredients layered in a jar with raffia-tied wooden spoon (as per a thread last year here) - would that just look like powder in a jar?

Last year we did homemade hampers of: red onion marmelade, Nigella cheat's fudge, sloe gin, Christmassy biscotti (already been linked to above - were very good), all packaged and wrapped up prettily - was quite proud of myself as not natural ponce!

VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION

I will be in the UK for just 6 days soon. Due to an operation, I won't be asking my mum to make a huge batch of her mince pies - she can't move one of her arms, poor thing.

SO

which is the best make of shop mince pies? or should i just do a trawl of the high street, buying a pack of every kind from every store?

I am considering smuggling mincemeat back to the states with us, but fear that the suitcases will be full of tea and marmite.

(oh, btw, have bought & wrapped all the presents except for dd's, written all the cards & will post them from the UK, have bought all the decorations, and am aiming to have repainted the master suite, dining room, and kitchen, get new carpets fitted in those rooms and another two, and will have the outdoors & indoors all chrimbo-ed up. my aim is to do all this by 14th dec, then have 2 days to enjoy myself before dd finishes at school)

do i win?

You win kickassangel! Don't think any of the rest of us are repainting!

I made mincemeat last week and it is SO easy. Can post recipe if you like? Then you will have more space in suitcase!

Well. I went to Ikea this morning. OMG. My name is Buda and I need a 12 step programme of some sort! I bought LOADS. And we already have LOADS! Then I went to another shop and bought more! DH will not be impressed.

Am so excited about decorating the house this year!

Tip from a friend - was shopping with her on Thursday and she bought outside lights. She then went home and put them up! She is not switching them on yet but has put them up while weather mild and not freezing! So I may do mine this week.

I have a Nigella related question! I want to make her peanut brittle (Xmas book) I don't have bicarb. Do I need to buy it tomorrow, (ie will peanut brittle not be peanut brittle without it?) or can I go ahead?

I shan't unless someone tells me I can!

I've just ordered White Company winter candles thanks to this thread.

Just have to say I have spent most of the day on and off reading this thread and feel like I have found my spiritual home. I truly love a poncetastic christmas and try very hard to outdo myself year on year. Although last year I was robbed of my xmas as I was put on bedrest to prevent premature labour,( which didnt work as delivered on boxing day 7 wks early). So this year with all this poncetastic inspiration I'm going all out! Hows that for a positive affirmation!

I have already re-wallpapered and am freshening (that a word?) two rooms for Christmas. Plus putting up shelves and DD's longed for Zoo. My screwdriver will be steaming (am LP and learning to be handy ).You win for the carpets tho kickass

Got my wreath wire this week, I must order a couple of door suckers.

Christmas tea towels anyone?