This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

My DH and I took early retirement at 55 (I am so so grateful for this) so it didn't apply to me but DD took 10 weeks off. Her GP was happy to sign her off for as long as she wanted but she felt it was going to get harder to go back if she waited any longer.
On speaking to DD she feels now that she would have benefited from a few more weeks off and a phased return. The hardest thing for her is, as @TakeThon says, every one around her just carries on as normal (as they should) and expects her to be normal too. But she isn't the same person anymore.

I dont k ow when to go back. Tomorrow is the funeral,I'm dreading it. I am lucky that my Boss said to take as long as I like but the longer I'm off,the harder it will be.

Hedjwitch you will get through tomorrow. No-one will expect anything from you. Let the professionals guide you. They will help you every step of the way.
It won't seem real but you will do it. I think the knowledge that it was one of the few things I could still do for dh was what got me through the door.
You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other (my new mantra).
Work is a worry for another day.

I just feel I'm not in the right frame of mind to work. Grief is so unpredictable. I can be fine, the next minute I'm thinking I don't know if I can do this (life I guess) without you. People keep saying to me please tell us if you need anything. Hard question to respond to, What I need is my husband back.

@Hedjwitch I will be thinking of you tomorrow, it's tough but you will get through - if you can, have someone looking after you during the day.

I’ll be thinking of you too, Hedjwitch. As frostyfingers says, place a reliable person as a buffer between you and other people.

Thinking of you. I hope it is as bearable as it can possibly be. Virtual hugs.

@Hedjwitchalso thinking of you tomorrow ❤️. It actually overwhelmed me the amount of people that showed for DH. I don’t think he knew he was that loved by everyone. The professionals acted as a buffer between me and the others..honestly was like having my own bodyguard but the reason for that was DH was cremated and we had a very tight time slot. There’s only 2 crematoriums in NI

I had the ‘he won’t mind if you date again’ from my mother in law. She kept saying you just don’t know, I said I do know and if it was me that died I’d be pissed if he met someone else. I was actually quite upset about the comments. But she lost her son, people say stupid things

There are some people who immediately look for another relationship: that's not for me.

DH was a good bit older than me and told me that he wanted me to "get another man" once he was gone.

I have a friend who is very keen on finding another partner for herself, but that's not something I'm looking for. It's been more than five years for me.

I was fairly astonished that DH's ex quickly found a new partner after the death of each of her partners. (Including DH, to whom she was married for some time, she's on partner number 4. I think she's had less than a year between men.)

Now that I'm on my own, I've discovered that it's laughably easy to find another man - and I'm no oil painting. I'm not interested: I now avoid speaking to men my age, by and large, in order to avoid misunderstandings.

I had one situation where (presumably a decent enough chap) thought that I was chatting him up when I just thought that I was having a conversation: he noticed my wedding ring, made a comment and ended the conversation.

I was embarrassed and nearly blurted out "I'm a widow!" but didn't want to give him the wrong idea, so bit my tongue. It's easier just to avoid the situation.

sleep doesn’t come easy now. 2nd counselling session tomorrow.

and yeah I suppose I just don’t know if I’ll date again, we were together since I was 16, my only boyfriend, I couldn’t imagine the thought of dating again.

Got through the funeral. A surprisingly joyful and uplifting day,despite the pain. Today now feels like day 1.

I’m glad you were able to find joy in the day.

The day after felt like day one for me, too. On we plod.

I'm glad it went well hedjwitch.

My DH funeral is next week. I'm delivering the eulogy. I keep thinking I can't do this but then I think we'll you are bloody going to do it because it's to honour him. I have practiced it every day since I wrote it. Wish me luck.

@Hedjwitch i’m really glad the funeral went well. Just take money to breathe now. remember you don’t need to rush anything.

@Barney16 wishing you luck for next week And and reading the eulogy. That’s amazingly brave thing to do. It was something I couldn’t do.

I couldn’t imagine dating again, but I do have a coffee now and again with a very nice widow who I think would like more but for the moment I’m just taking every day one day at a time. It’s been an awful lot to sort out after my DH’s passing and we’re only really beginning to scratch the surface of some of it. I think it might take a good year more now.

Two of my DC gave eulogies for DH. The celebrant had copies of both and was prepared to step in if they couldn't do it. As it was both were amazing. The celebrant read mine for me as I could barely function.
I joined Way-Up today. It feels like a huge step.

Barney,I read the eulogy on Friday. I didn't want anyone else to do it. I got through most of it...a small wobble in the middle where I just took a few breaths to calm down, but I did lose it a wee bit at the end talking about our dcs. So many people complimented me on it afterwards though and said how strong I was so I feel ok about it.

@Hedjwitch I’m glad the day passed and you were able to read the eulogy. One of my DS did it after carrying his dad’s coffin with my other sons and brother. Truly heartbreaking, it just doesn’t seem real now.

I got my daughter an engraved bracelet (DH had a pet name for her) and gave it to her the day before Father’s Day. I told my grief counsellor I thought I’d made a huge mistake because she got so upset but she said it was emotional but beautiful. Tears need to fall.

It's 6 months this week since DH died and I'm just lost.
I don't know how I am supposed to move forward. How am I supposed to find any meaning in life?

I’m only a few weeks ahead of you.

All I can say (and this will sound trite) is take each day at a time, and try to fill time with pleasant things - trip to the cinema, time in the garden, catching up with friends, whatever works for you. Of course these things would be better, more meaningful, shared with our partners.

I'm so sorry @Roseshavethorns . It's been more than 5 years for me.

At the time, an older relative advised me that such a bereavement never goes away, but is like a heavy burden which gradually becomes lighter with time.

I can't explain it exactly. In the early days you wonder how you can breathe, never mind anything else. Then the day comes when you realise that you're at least coping, though I acknowledge that it was so much easier to cope with life when I had my husband with me.

Have had a shocking couple of days triggered by having to search paperwork for former addresses for DH as we are using a search agency to check that we are aware of all his many accounts and investments. In the search I have found notes in books about personal stuff and feel quite overwhelmed with it all, also some of it is not appropriate to share with my stepsons, but feel maybe I should share some of it.

I have been expecting to hear from the hospice regarding counselling, but nothing so far and feel I really need to talk some of this stuff through in confidence. Have felt unwell today, but think it’s stress and just the sheer weight of the grief.

3 weeks since DH died and I still dont really feel anything. I should be mired in grief or something but I'm not. I'm supporting the 3 DCs who are adults but still adjusting to the loss of their dad,but that's about it. Its odd. Going back to work at the beginning of August,everyone says its too soon,but what else can I do? Look at the walls all day?

It’s only really hitting me now and it’s 8.5 months since DH passed. I just don’t see the point of anything anymore. I’ve made sure my children are ok, I know they aren’t but I lost my dad March and this feels so much worse. I miss him so much

sorry I’m off on a rant now