This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

@Roseshavethorns absolutely - my garden is so big and so daunting! I haven't even thought about the weeds.
At the moment I'm trying to keep on top of the grass. I'm also tackling the immense amount of brambles, mainly because the physical effort required is helping me sleep at night, and the repetition is quite numbing to my brain. I put a podcast on, and just slowly clip away. My aim is to get it all into a reasonable state so that I can sell the house in a couple of years time - it is too big and empty for me now, and will continue to be so.
The plans for vegetable plots etc are all going to one side - I will probably put as much as possible to lawn, just so that I can manage it all.

@Hisredipad it was a comment that you made on a previous post that has made me seek out grief counselling. I have no idea, of course, as to whether it will be effective or not, but I do have to rebuild a life for myself from the shattered remnants of my old one. Although goodness knows it feels like an impossible task most days.

@Jaffapaffa I truly had no idea how much life would change without DH. I think I thought it would be the same, but just a little bit different. It couldn’t be more further from the truth. On another post, someone said they were homesick for their old life. That was kind of what drove me towards counselling.

@Roseshavethorns i find the garden hard but fortunately it’s not large but I’m determined this year to get DH’s garden tools under my belt as he said they were really good for keeping the garden under control. A good friend did it for me last year but can’t this year. I’m taking some stuff out and laying turf up to the fence so I can mow it easily. I’ve got a plan to put in a couple of large bushes I can push the mower under to soften the garden edges. The garden is a bind but I don’t want to move.

My garden has always been my solace (I created it from scratch when we moved here) and I’m appreciating it even more now. Even so, aspects of it are distressing. We bought new garden furniture last year and it grieves me that we’re not now going to spend the summer having leisurely suppers in the garden. I’m also trying to tame the allotment.

You know what? This thread isnt about bereavement - it’s about love. This is what love is all about. Entwining your life with someone so tightly that you feel every tug when they are pulled away from you.

Wishing you all a big dollop of peace x

Yes, it’s exactly that.

Today my DH should have turned 46. He passed away 54 days ago. I still can’t quite comprehend that what has happened to him, happened. It still feels like it’s not real. Sometimes I have to look at a photo I have of him in his final weeks to make my mind believe that he is really gone and won’t be coming back.

I understand what you are saying.

I did go to work yesterday to empty DH's locker, and that was a brutal reminder that he has in fact gone - his coat, hat, (unused) sunscreen, half eaten bag of sweets...

I can't face bringing the items into the house yet - I will do so in a few days.

But I'm glad I did it - I need my brain to accept that he's gone because at the moment it keeps telling me that he's just popped out., and I hear his footsteps on the stairs.

I've had to put some photos away for now, because seeing them is a jolt.

But we are all in this together, and I will be thinking of you x

Thank you @Jaffapaffaits good to be able to offload with people that get it x

unluckynumber7 - my DH was a similar age to yours, he was 46 when he died two months ago from bowel cancer. One of the things I am finding so hard right now is all the years ahead without him stretching for decades. Everything feels so pointless and colourless now, partly because he isn't here but partly because I feel like the world is a cruel and terrible place now and it makes being here feel pointless. I don't want the next however many decades to feel like that, but I think they will, because the void he has left can't be filled, it's too massive. I don't want to move on from him, I want to keep him with me. Does everybody else also have a general sense of 'wrongness' that is attached to literally everything now? Every time I think about him being gone forever it comes with a wave of horror, and the same when I think about what he went through. I can't believe he died, even though I was there when he passed away, I still can't comprehend it. Because it's so final and there's nothing anyone can ever do to change it, my mind keeps fighting against the reality of it.

Yes, that’s exactly how I feel. I’m (at a guess) considerably older than you, but still aghast at the long years stretching out in front of me.

@Magicpaintbrush I know what you mean. It's so hard. Life is just grey now.
This is such a lonely place to be.

hi, just popping along, as mostly everything you've all said, resonates so much with me. My lovely DH died 4 years ago, aged 51, from lymphoma - well, it was actually a failed stem cell transplant after 2 years of nightmare treatment, mainly in isolation in hospital during covid, so it was all pretty awful.

I say 4 years, but it feels like yesterday and forever all at the same time and every day is a matter of survival as I have 2 kids, one is neurodiverse, so particularly challenging. But I also have to work full-time, so it's exhausting.

Saying that, I have fewer days where life is surreal, that strange feeling in the beginning, of being behind a pane of glass and everyone else on the other side - so weird and so lonely, and so difficult to explain to anyone. But I still get it every now and again, or think I see him walking down the road, and my heart really hurts. He is missing so much here with us, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I am a different person, forever changed. But also, although noone really sees it, which is still the awfully lonely bit, I am proud of myself of just how hard I try every day - and you should all be proud of yourselves too.

Will hope to check in again, I don't know anyone in real life that is in the same boat as me, so it is comforting to be amongst people that understand. Thanks.

@Magicpaintbrushmy DH was bowel cancer also, 9 months from diagnosis to him passing away. The things he went through were horrific, he was so brave. I feel exactly as you do. The only thing getting me up and forcing me to keep going is my DD.

@brainfog2026 I cannot imagine how hard that must’ve been for you both going through treatment during Covid isolation.

Another night of not wanting go to sleep, so that I don't have to face another day.
That awful reminder every single morning that he isn't here any more and that I will never see him again.

So hard. I slept in another bedroom occasionally when things were tough.
Hope you got some sleep eventually 💐

My heart goes out to all of you who had to watch your partners suffer. I can't imagine the horror you must have felt.
My dh died suddenly, he wasn't ill. He just went to sleep and his heart stopped. It took months to get a cause of death.
I had a really hard day yesterday too. I thought I was accepting that he's gone but I'm not. I was just refusing to deal with or think about things and then someone asked how I was and I said I was ok but I'm not.
I really need to start dealing with the legal stuff and his estate but doing that means it's really real.
I look around and see people who live on their own and they just take everything in their stride. They fix things and arrange things and get people in to do the things they can't and I'm just paralysed. My house is full of half finished jobs and things that need done and I can't even make myself go and find a screwdriver.
I miss "us" so much.

It’s the losing your whole. I said I was half the whole for a long time. So sorry for your loss. I slowly learned to do screwdriver jobs using YouTube a lot of the time. I thought about how DH would have tackled it and can do a fair few simple things now. Often badly but at least they are done. Yesterday I managed to get a new hook latch screwed to the gate that was banging around in the wind.

re sorting the paperwork I got a packet of plastic punch folders and each thing needing sorting in one pocket until I had about forty then put them in a file and tried to do one or two a day starting with the council tax then the water board etc. banks etc had bereavement departments which were jolly helpful 💐💐💐

I concentrated on doing a lot of the money things that helped me so I knew I was ok financially

How was the weekend for everyone?

Someone I had previously considered a friend came round on Friday - she's never crossing my threshold again after making too many insensitive comments. For example, telling me that she's had a nightmare year, as her son has split up with his girlfriend - all while sitting next to DH's ashes.
And telling me how hard she found DH's funeral, as it was the 3rd one she'd been to this year.

I spent a lot of the weekend clearing brambles and nettles from our garden - mainly because then I make myself so tired that then I can get some sleep.

And I've taken all the sympathy cards down, ready to put away. I feel so guilty about this, as if I'm putting DH out of sight, but they make me cry every time I see them all.

This is such a long and difficult journey - taking it step by step.

@Roseshavethorns just take it slowly.

I haven't really started the financial stuff yet. The bank have changed the joint account to being in my name only, which is fair enough - and have sent me a cheque book! Utterly ridiculous.

One letter about pensions did say 'We will write to again in 4 weeks if we have not heard from you in that time', so they are clearly used to the paralysing grief.

For half finished jobs, I'm thinking about just one at a time, and I am asking other people for help - which I've never done before.
Sometimes I just put a message on the street WhatsApp, especially if I need something for just a short time and cannot face looking for it.

A request to borrow some safety pins for a day has resulted in a neighbour who lent me them asking me if I'd like to come to a book club with her.
Small steps, and I don't know if I will go or not - but the kindness of strangers is always so surprising.

Yes, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the kindness of strangers. My husband would be so touched to see it.

I've found most people to be lovely.
I have met so many people that knew DH from walking the dog. Our dog is very distinctive and every day someone stops me to ask how I am. I don't know half their names but often recognise the names of their dogs.
I really struggle with asking for help. I always have.
I have made a pact with myself that I will start to tackle the paperwork this week. Once that's done and I have applied for Confirmation (the Scottish version of probate) I will start to tackle the practical stuff.

Try and go if you can @Jaffapaffa. When I was widowed before an elderly neighbour who was widowed many years before advised me to accept invitations as sometimes people don’t ask again. I found that was very sound advice, it is really important to get out even if it is hard. I am planning to go out even though I may not enjoy it at first as those social connections are so important.

Tough day today. Been in tears a lot of the day, missing DH so so much and now up with DD feeling sick. I’m not good with this and really miss him being calm and supportive.

Thinking of you @unluckynumber7. Hope your daughter is feeling better. I know what you mean about that calm presence. I'd say to my husband 'oh will we be okay?' and he'd answer 'Eazums!'
Sometimes he'd say to me 'don't be such a wet lettuce!' I can still hear him say it now after 11 years when I'm being flakey which is often!
Really hope you got some rest and all on this thread. 💐