This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

@Hedjwitch so sorry for your loss. This is a safe spacethat you can come
and say things you can’t in real life and has
lots of useful tips along the way too.
it’s a one day at a time thing. Remember to
breath and take time for yourself. 💐💐💐

Hi @Hedjwitch I am so sorry for your loss. Bewildered is such a good way to describe the feeling following such a shocking loss.
My DH also died (5 and a half months ago) very suddenly and unexpectedly. I think I was in shock for a very long time. I am still trying to make sense of it.
Try and be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to feel however you feel.
I have found this thread to be a huge comfort because you don't have to pretend here.
Much love

Hi Hedjwitch. I am so sorry. My husband also died suddenly and unexpectedly and I’m still lost and bewildered. The solidarity on this thread is precious.

im hoping you don’t mind if I join. My husband had a short illness and died in one month. 8 months ago. I have no friends I can relate to because I can’t explain how awful this is. I’ve started 6 weeks with cruse bereavement and had my first session on Friday

I joined widowed and young but am from NI so it’s not as active here 😞

@TakeThon welcome to the club that nobody wishes to belong to. I’m so sorry for your loss. You will find that a lot of us say that unless you’ve been bereaved of a partner, then you will never understand how awful grief is.

I am 18 months down the line. There are times it has been extraordinary difficult, but I do feel I’m starting to come out the other end a bit more now. I started bereavement counselling through my work healthcare about a month ago and although at the time I couldn’t see how on earth it would help I found talking to a stranger who has no connection to my life where I live very useful.

My counsellor has enabled me to know that it’s right for me to reconnect and reengage with life and plan my future and that I should be allowed to grieve at my own pace and that I can use those words in conversations with certain members of my family that stick their oar in and tell me how they think I should be

You can come here and say anything you can’t say in real life. And if in retrospect you think it’s outing then report your own post and Mum‘s net will delete it
💐💐💐

Funeral on Friday. I feel sick at the thought. How did you get through it?

I was absolutely dreading my DH's funeral to the extent that at one point I was seriously thinking about cancelling it.
But in the end it went well, and was actually very positive in many ways.

I cried all the way through it, and I am not at all bothered about that - everyone there is attending because they love you and want to support you.

I did deliver a short eulogy after the main one, and I'm so glad I did.

We also had the option for photos to be shown - again, although it was painful to sort through them, it was lovely to be able to commemorate him.

I took quite a few things to the funeral director to be put into his coffin as well, which gave me some comfort.

Everyone in this dreadful club understands completely what it is like.

Thinking of you xx

@Hisredipadthank you for your words of support. I couldn’t see how counselling would help me, I want him back can they do that? but I contacted them then held on to that date as a lifeline. It’s opened up a few conversations with my kids so that’s a good thing. I’ll go every Friday now. X

@Hedjwitchi had so many emotions. But in the end I think I was just numb. I refused to organise a wake. That’s not something I could even think about. MIL took that out of my hands, I stayed for 15 mins then left. You get through it because you have to. Sending all my love to you.

DH passed away at the end of April, and I have now had 4 counselling sessions.

I have found it invaluable, even though I was cynical at the start.

As @Hisredipad says, the counsellor has given me some useful tools to enable me to start - very very slowly - to rebuild my life from the rubble. I he has helped me to see that I don't need to worry about making other people feel uncomfortable by talking about DH - it's my right to talk about him if I choose to, rather than tiptoe around it.

The counsellor has also helped me to begin to address the guilt I feel about DH's death - I feel so unhappy that I couldn't help him, or stop his passing, even though it would have been almost impossible for me to have done so.

Thankyou. We are having the photo video thing at the Crem as when we did that for mum we all found it comforting and there are some funny ones in there too.

I'm not sure how I got through the funeral, it had been a really stressful build up due to disagreeing with a relative but in the end the service was beautiful and there were so many people there to say goodbye it made me proud of DH. The wake was a blur, but I coped - I had a friend by my side all the time and it helped a lot.

It's interesting to hear about counselling and whether it helps or not - I just can't decide whether to try it. It's almost a year since DH died and I'm really hurting at the moment, honestly, there are times when I just don't want to go on. The thought that this is just the first year without him is awful and that it's just more of the same is unbearable. So maybe I do need to find someone to talk to, I don't know.

I really don't remember the funeral. I had the celebrant read my eulogy but my daughter and one of my sons read their own. We tried to reflect my DH and his personality in the service, we chose his favourite song (totally inappropriate) and loads of photos. We tried to give him what we think he would have wanted. I'm glad I have blanked it out though.
I keep toying with the idea of counselling but it would be a hundred mile round trip (the beauty of living in the Highlands). I think I will go for it at some point but not just yet.

This has reflected just how I feel. I have been having a really hard time lately. Today I discovered raspberry plants DH must have planted for me. It broke me again. The thought of the future without him just seems so unbearable.

There’s so much here I recognise.

So many people wanted to come to the funeral that I was daunted beforehand - I thought it would be overwhelming - but there was so much love for him in the room that it buoyed me up. The photo montage for the service was limited to a dozen or so photos, but we made a longer one for the wake and I plan to get a digital photo frame to display it on.

I started seeing a therapist about six weeks after he died. I was so traumatised that I wanted to find help from someone who stood outside the situation, but had read that one should wait six weeks so that some of the initial shock has subsided. I’m finding it really helpful. A friend has just put me in touch with a bereavement support group at a local church and I might go to that, too.

I’m currently picking crops which he planted on the allotment. It’s lovely but awful at the same time.

for Cruse bereavement they recommend waiting 6 months. And I did. They had no availability for face to face but I sent them a message and they got back immediately, saying they’d try to fit me in. I thought the first of everything was going to be the hardest, but I’m now thinking about the 2nd of everything and how everyone will think ‘give up already’ 😞 I’m not the best at talking with a stranger but even in the waiting room I could picture my DH sitting with me like he always did. The whole thing was very emotional and I worried I’d clam up. I didn’t and I’m grateful for that.

I feel the not wanting to go on too. When I’m crying I’m desperate but I’ve got kids and I don’t want to pass more pain to them. It’s so difficult. I can nearly feel him telling me to carry on for the kids (even though my very presence annoys one of them 🙄)

Oh gosh. Now I’m wondering whether the waiting six weeks was me misremembering the Cruse advice! Quite likely as the shock of my husband’s unexpected death seems to be causing memory problems.

Have just found the second thread.

FWIW, I dreaded the funeral, but found it a comfort. I would have welcomed counselling, but it seems a bit late now.

@ComeIntoTheGardenMaud unfortunately my dad passed in March b4 DH and I’d read about the waiting time for Cruse then too. It could be just NI though but 6 weeks is no time at all, I was literally still walking up thinking he was alive at that point

I was told six months was a good place to begin thinking about grief counselling.

For many reasons, I never actually got round to doing it. I’m 18 months a widow and I started it a couple of weeks ago.

What actually happened for me Was that I was having counselling for breast cancer and when that came to an end I said to the counsellor that I probably up to sort out some grief counselling as I felt I’ve never got over DH’s passing. And also mentioned that I felt it was too late and she said it was never too late.

Anyway, long story short is that I now see her for grief counselling. She just lets me talk asks me a few pointed questions and then make some quite clear observations about things that I say. She’s enable me to have some statement that are either for me in my head on how to deal with things or I can actually voice them if I feel that there’s negative conversation with friends and family about how my life is

DH and I never had the conversation about what we would do if the other one was left alone. That has been super difficult because I’ve had to think about what he would like me to do and in my heart of hearts I do know he would want me to be happy. But at the same time, it’s not the same as having been told it.

I think one of the biggest problems for me about booking grief counselling was why would you book an appointment to be sad. But I haven’t found it like that at all.

Hello everyone, thank you for welcoming me. I was wondering what people have done about work? I just don't feel able to do anything other than either clean or garden like a maniac ( helps me sleep) or wander about the house picking things up and putting them down again. I don't have enough money to resign, which is what I would realise to do.
Edited to add I have been off for 5 weeks already.

@Barney16i took 3 months off then went back pt. It’s shit and I’d rather be home but bills to pay. Everyone talks like normal and they are happy and I feel like dying inside

People see what they want to see - both at work and home. If you put on a brave face and aren't a complete mess all the time then sadly they assume that you're ok. I am learning, almost 12 months in, when people ask me how I am to tell them the truth - no, I am not fine, yes I am still devastated, no it's not getting any better etc etc.

One of my distant colleagues said quite recently "you'll be looking for a new man soon" - they are lucky I didn't thump them, and that I don't see them much.