This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

@Hedjwitch I’m at work now and wish I wasn’t. It’s harder to process at work

Hi Not sure I’ve posted on this thread yet?
My dh died 2.5 years ago now and although I’m over the initial grief. Crying every day, hardly eating or sleeping and sorting through endless paperwork.

I still feel completely alone and lost. Most friends initially took an interest but have now returned to their own lives with family and husbands. I’m lucky one friend did stick by me and believe me that is a massive lifeline for me.

My kids didn’t cope at all with the long terminal diagnosis that lasted their whole teenage years. One managed to scrape through but moved to another country. The other is what they call a NEET. I do think this is at least in part to the trauma we experienced as a family.

i feel so sad and alone. Though try to put on a brave face and I suspect most people wouldn’t realise or maybe they do but don’t care enough to ask?

Sorry for being negative today. My own health is a bit shaky atm and the realisation that I have nobody to look out for or care for me, has really hit home.

i didn’t go for counselling. The hospice repeatedly called me in the first few months but it was too soon for me and I think they gave up in the end. Though I believe I could still call and ask for help?

I have a fairly big house to maintain and it’s weighing down on me as dh used to do a lot of the maintenance.

Hopefully, things will improve as time goes on.

i have recently joined WayUp but haven’t posted and have started to join some bereavement and widow groups on Facebook too. There seems to be a lot of supportive groups there.

Thanks for listening.

sending hugs to everyone on this chat. I usually find weekends worst.

Yes, @Timesnearlyup - that's what it was like for me at the beginning. At some point this year (5 years down the line) I realised that it had lifted, but it still hits me at times.

I was at the hospital today having an impacted wisdom tooth and it hit me again. I could feel tears welling up and I was worried that the dentist and dental nurse would think that I was upset at the procedure, but it was just the thought of yet again coming home to an empty house.

Yes, if you think it might help I think you should phone the hospice and see what they say about counselling.

I am just over 11 years from my husband's passing. I feel for you all so much. My children are adults I can't imagine how hard it must be having young children and being a widow.
Along these eleven years my mobility has steadily declined and I am now in quite a bit of pain daily. Any one of my children would be here in a flash to help me. But oh how I miss my other half just being there in the way that only they can be to make me a drink or listen to me complaining!
That is selfish of me as I remember all they have missed out on the grandchildren especially.
I hope everyone can find some peace and know they are not alone in this struggle.

I’ve found you again! Thank you @Hisredipad.
I’m so sorry to see so many new people here. I can’t believe that so many of us are going through such awful pain.
I’ve passed the year mark but not yet a year since his funeral. I’m so homesick for him. I hate this life but on I plod.
Sending him so much support to everyone.

There's a distressing thread elsewhere on the board - a newly widowed woman has had her husband's adult children trying to divide his possessions before they've even had the funeral.

I think I'll have to take a step back from it.

That thread sounds dreadful! I dare not look.

I have been feeling especially homesick this weekend. I have seen friends and family, and it’s all been pleasant, but it’s still not what I want. I want my old life back.

DH died July 3rd and I am.planning to return to work August 10th. But now I am.having second thoughts. But if I leave it too long I won't ever want to go back and I have to. I have a supportive Boss and nice work environment so those things aren't an issue. Any advice?

@Hedjwitch When DH died I had already given up my permanent post because it became impossible to cope with the demands of my job and DH had suffered - he scalded himself at home whilst I was working late. (An unsympathetic boss kept heaping more and more work onto me. With hindsight, I should have sued for constructive dismissal. He was eventually suspended for bullying.)

What I will say is that I missed the structure of work. I always found work to be a good distraction from other problems, but maybe I'm weird that way.

I went back to supply teaching after DH died. I'm sorry - I can't remember how long I waited, but it can't have been that long because you're removed from the books if you haven't worked for 6 months.

I only did it part-time, I should add. It did help, but it would have been much better for me if I'd still been in my original permanent post. (I was full-time and unwillingly dropped to a 4 day wk before quitting completely.)

One of the times I was on supply, I found myself teaching in DH's old classroom. (We met at work - not the school where I had my final permanent post.) I got a bit emotional, but held myself together and was okay.

You'll be returning to your normal place of work and the familiarity might help. The fact that you have a supportive boss and nice work environment sounds positive to me.

I know that I would rather have been at work than in the house on my own all day. In the interest of full disclosure, I've no children and no siblings, so was very much on my own. It might be different for you, but since you have a good boss, maybe you could try it and see how it goes.

I agree that the longer you wait, the harder it might be?

@Hedjwitch I took a career break and was off for at least 5 months which I really needed to sort things out and be able to work again. I don’t think I could have returned the following month. But everybody is different. Do you feel ready to return?

@Hedjwitch I actually found going back to work after my first husband died helpful, but it was very part time and I don’t think I could have coped with full time. This time around we had both retired, although I am only 61, I was volunteering quite a bit before DH got ill, but it was mainly with church groups and they are currently paused for the summer. I covered a couple of weeks before the “end of term” for someone who’s mum was very ill in hospital and it was too much, but my health is far worse now then when I was widowed previously.

In your situation with a supportive boss etc, I would probably give it a go, you may find the familiar routine and company will help.

@Hedjwitch I took 5 months off. Up until 4 months I couldn’t contemplate it. I just wasn’t functioning.
I’m part time and went back on a phased return with a very supportive boss. I think it’s saved my sanity. It’s the routine of having to get up and function and having the distraction.
I think possibly if you can think about doing it then you might be ready. Especially if you have a good working environment. One thing I advise is to be very gentle with yourself and tell yourself that turning up every day is an achievement.

Hello, can I join you? My husband died yesterday after a traumatic, year-long illness. He's pretty much exatly followed the timeline we were given when he was diagnosed, and was in hospice for a while, so it was completely expected but I still feel so unprepared and lost. We're both in our 40s (well he was - I am still in the present tense for him in my mind) with teens.

I am so very sorry @Sunnyphoenix .

Yes, even when you expect it, nothing prepares you for when it happens.

i am so sorry for your loss @Sunnyphoenix I was widowed for the first time in my 40’s with two teens and an 11 year old.

A few tips, I hope they may help, look after yourself as well as DC. I totally deprioritised myself, I was so busy trying to look after them and sort out the paperwork that I didn’t think of myself at all. Try and fit in some counselling when the time is right for you and the DC and be very kind to yourself, it really came back to bite me in the end when I was dealing with another crisis some years later.

Also, you will probably have some challenging behaviour to deal with from teenagers, I wish I hadn’t got so angry with them and listened more and let them see that I was grieving too. There were very poor choices on their part in the aftermath, but I feel I wasn’t always approachable enough as I was so busy “being strong” and “coping well” to let my guard down.

Do make sure that schools and colleges are informed and double check that individual tutors/teachers are informed, my 11 year old went up to secondary less than 3 months later and his form teacher hadn’t been told, DD was also moving to sixth form and had to move colleges the following year as she was not well supported.

If possible (and they want to of course) involve the DC in planning the funeral, it certainly helped mine to feel they had some choices in the way we said goodbye.

For now, make sure you stay well hydrated even if you can’t face eating, and take any help that is offered. I hope you have family and friends around you x

Hello, sunnyphoenix. Welcome to the club that nobody wants to join.

Evenstar’s suggestions are excellent. I see now that I have put too much effort into “being strong” and “coping well”. It hasn’t helped me and I am exhausted.

I hope you have supportive friends and family around you, to help you through this hideous time.

Hi sunny phoenix I'm sorry you find yourself here.
I think no matter how much a death is expected it still comes as a shock.
Try to be kind to yourself. I think we often expect far too much of ourselves and then don't understand when we start to fall apart.

Thank you all for your really kind messages. I've definitely been in 'staying strong' mode for the whole of his illness. It's been really intense medically and personally so I've been constantly all of the treatment, kids schools, work, finances etc, and it did need to be done but it's also a way of deferring grief. I can feel myself doing it now - worrying about whether I should be telling utility companies etc rather than allowing myself to actually think about what has happened. It doesn't really help that friends and family constantly say how wonderful it is that I am being so 'strong' so it becomes a persona.

PS is there anything practical I really should do now?

If you haven't done it already, make an appointment with the registrar so that you can use the "Tell us once" system. You might need more than one copy of the certificate.

Definitely get several copies of the death certificate, you will find many things like pensions, bank accounts etc will want sight of an original certificate. If you find yourself needing more it can be cheaper to go into a solicitor’s office and ask them to make certified copies. They cost around £5 as opposed to £12.50 each at the registrar’s office.

You may have to wait to be contacted by the registrars service and be offered an appointment, the medical examiner lets them know that they are happy and then you can book. My second DH died in May and that was now the case in my area, the medical examiner’s office phoned me before handing over to the registrar to make sure I was happy with the cause of death the GP had put on the forms and had no concerns.

Link to the page for registering a death in Scotland in case anyone needs it.

It was lockdown when I had to do this for DH, so the procedure might have been different then - everything was done over the phone. ISTR that I needed his National Insurance number.

I was told by my solicitor that it was very important to inform all insurance companies (car, house etc) asap. Even if the policies are in your name they insist on being told of any change of circumstances within 2 weeks or it can invalidate your insurance - what utter pigs they are!

My sympathies to you, I've been widowed for over five years now and it is a case of one foot in front of the other & keep buggering on.. .. and it does get better, petit a petit.

Insurance companies can be very piggish. Mine immediately hiked my home insurance on the grounds that it was now more likely we’d be burgled. I did point out that I was now spending much more time at home, thereby providing fewer chances for opportunistic burglars, and there was now significantly less chance of accidental damage etc, but policy is policy. Oink oink.

I'm sorry you're here @Sunnyphoenix, I wrote list after list and just plodded my way through them - don't overface yourself, and don't rush. I ordered extra death certificates and actually found I didn't need as many as I thought, in the end 5 would have been plenty. Sadly you may well need to fight your corner with some organisations/companies. Ovo hiked my direct debit for electricity when I called them to change the account name - no reason given, they just did it and then notified me. I made them back down but it's extra unnecessary work and so frustrating.