This is life (after the passing of DH) Thread two

[Hisredipad]

Gosh. We filled the other one up. Here’s a new one for us to continue our support of one another.

here is a link to our previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/5308661-this-is-life-after-passing-of-dh?page=40&reply=152421290

Thank you @nightcapersafter a rough couple of days, shes on the mend now.

Today I finally managed to sort out DH's bank account, mainly because I have builders to pay.

It was a lot less stressful than I had expected, but it was still difficult emotionally.

I'm hoping to look at pensions today, but they seem to want so much information - birth certificate, marriage certificate, driving licence, utility bills - it's just so much stuff to locate and upload.

I've been reading but not contributing for the last few weeks, May has been a pretty shit month for me with DH's birthday and what would have been our 34th wedding anniversary and I've just not felt able to say/do anything.

I'm sorry that there are so many new people here, I hope you find comfort in the wise words of those who have so sadly had to travel this path before us.

@Jaffapaffa - my way of dealing with the paperwork was to do only one thing at a time, I had a folder both physical and on the computer and put the paperwork in bit by bit so that I wasn't overwhelmed. Don't try and do it all in one go. I had to do our tax return quite soon after DH died which I'd never done before and just working my way through it slowly worked for me. I'm still wading my through random accounts now, 10 months on.

The first anniversary of his death is looming and I'm struggling, at the moment I can say "this time last year we were doing this/that/the other" but soon I won't be able to and that frightens me. His stuff is everywhere, I haven't done any putting away and can't contemplate it, even though it seems to surprise some people. What really upset me was so trivial it's ridiculous - I had to throw away the bed sheet that he last slept on which I'd had on the bed non stop (except for washing, obviously) since his death - and now it's gone. Trying to explain to someone why I was so upset was nigh impossible.

I'm also struggling with the after effects of my breast cancer treatment last summer, it's just another grim reminder of the year from hell. Having to go to the hospital all the time is really difficult. I've also been mulling over whether I would go through treatment again if it should come back, right now I'm not sure.

Another lurker. @frostyfingers feeling your breast cancer treatment pains. Just coming out the other side of treatment myself. Now facing the tablets. my treatment centre (and now room) is the same as DH was in, it’s been bitter sweet. Lovely to be with medics that I know but so difficult to be back in DH’s world that I thought I’d escaped.

I’ve struggled a lot recently. I’ve had builders here too. DH would have dealt with it all. Feeling relieved I’ve got through all that and fortunately the insurance paid up. Im still doing probate related stuff but pretty much at the end of it all now.

im starting grief counselling soon, wish I’d done it sooner but my cancer counselling lady actually thought it was probably about the right time.

I think I did a post a week ago but forgot to click post. DD was listening to my feelings of woe and identified it as depersonalisation. I spend a lot of time feeling as im looking down on my life and detached from reality. Having read up on it I wished I’d known about it last year. Found some useful grounding exercises online which I think are helping.

I hope you all are feeling better soon 💐💐💐

Hello, I’ve been watching this threads but have not posted any so far. May I join?
My DH passed away 4 weeks ago after a very short illness and I’m totally struggling. When will I stop crying? We have two boys aged 14 and 9. People say I need to be strong for the boys but without DH, I don’t know how. I work full time and I’m back at work thinking it might be a good distraction but I cannot focus.
I know it’s been only 4 weeks but will it get any better? Easier? I’m just so sad. So sad for DH as we had lots of things planned together, sad for our boys as they now need to grow up without their father, sad for myself as I miss DH so much, more than I ever imagined I would.

So sorry and sad you that you have had to join us. Ignore what people say you should and shouldn't be doing, you just have to get through the best you can. I'm sure you are doing your utmost to be there for your boys and I don't think there's anything wrong in showing them how you feel. I lost my father when I was 15 and my mother was not hugely emotional around us and with hindsight I think it gave a false impression of how she was coping and probably didn't do us any favours in the long run.

You are mourning your past and your future, and that of your boys, it's bloody hard, there's no timeline for feelings and you'll find yourself muddling through the best you can.

Welcome @Anonynoname so sorry you are joining us. I have just been widowed for the second time, but when I was widowed in my 40’s with two teenagers and an 11 year old I did far too much “staying strong” and it was very unhelpful for all of us in the long run.

Please do have a look at the organisation Widowed and Young if you haven’t been told about it already. It helped me and the children hugely to meet up with others going through the same thing, much of bereavement support is aimed at older widows and the problems you face are very different.

https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/bereavement-support-from-way-widowed-and-young?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22665226241&gbraid=0AAAAAohFGtWaeDs0mrs6RuxPmcyji4HNT

Welcome from me, too.

Obviously, I know very little about your situation, but I would suggest ignoring the people telling you to stay strong. In my experience (I’m five months in) they’re saying it for their own comfort and convenience, because it’s so unsettling to be around grief. Being strong doesn’t help you if you’re (perfectly reasonably) feeling down and defeated and doesn’t help your boys. It’s ok for them to see you grieving and to express their own grief.

I’m too old for Widowed and Young, but my friend found them a great support.

If it helps @ComeIntoTheGardenMaud WAY do now have a sister organisation WAYUp for slightly older widows. I think I may join as sadly I probably already know some people in it as it’s only 18 years since I was eligible to join WAY and I have kept in touch with quite a few people.

https://way-up.co.uk/join-us/

Thank you, Evenstar. I probably won’t join the group as I have several widowed friends (some younger than me) and we act as a very informal support group.

Welcome from me too Anonynoname. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
It's been nearly 5 months since my dh died suddenly and the only thing I have learned is that there is no "right" way to grieve. Ignore anyone who tries to tell you what you should do or how you should feel. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

@Anonynoname welcome to our thread. It’s a great safe space to talk through difficult things. If you find yourself thinking that you shouldn’t have posted for any reason report your own post to have it deleted.

I think everyone has a very different life after losing a loved one. Some people seemed to bounce back fairly quickly. I think those of us that are here are the other sort that need a lot of support. Four weeks is hardly anything. Try be kind to yourself and if you don’t feel great, it’s not shameful to tell people that.💐💐💐

Hello
I found this thread and just wanted to reach out, my eldest son left this world 12 days ago after struggling for years with mental health and anxiety, he was only 36 and I just dont know how to get through each day.

Hello, Ifeellost. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Do you have anyone with you to support you?

I have my partner and other children around me @ComeIntoTheGardenMaud for support but I just feel like I have lost a part of me, he was the one who made me a mum.

My very dear partner died last week. It was completely unexpected. I am heartbroken. I veer between thinking he will walk through the front door and hysterical crying. If I thought I wouldn't upset the neighbours I would stand in the garden and scream. My whole world, my life and the life I thought I was going to have have been smashed to pieces.

Welcome, Barney16. Similar happened to me. All I can say is that I get it. I’m still surprised that my husband isn’t here.

@Barney16 my first husband died away from home unexpectedly and the first I knew was a policeman arriving at my door. You need to deal with the shock as well as the grief, I can’t say anything right now that will make it any easier, but as someone else who gets it I can offer a handhold from afar 💐

Hi Barney16.
I am so sorry for your loss. My dh died very suddenly too (nearly 5 months ago). I understand the horror you are feeling.
Hopefully knowing that others understand what you are going through will help you feel less alone.

My husband died from bowel cancer too in Feb 2025. It was also very quick. The treatment was brutal. I look at photos taken a year before he died. He looks so well and happy then, you never know what the future will bring. All our plans have gone. Now I have to build a new life by myself I have two adult children and they have been wonderful, but they are mourning too and miss their father. It’s all the things that happen and I can’t tell DH now. Un MH hugs to all the brave women trying to find a path forward.

More bloody unfairness in this awful new world. My car insurance goes UP now that it's just me, and if I add my adult son, who is a paramedic and has driving training it increases by 100%. I am absolutely furious.

@frostyfingers the financial shocks just keep coming. No-one ever talks about the financial reality of widowhood other than to judge your lack of preparation.

@frostyfingers have you tried changing your policy to an any driver policy?

I had trouble with mine when I wanted a specific family member to be on my policy to help me but my insurance broker who is also a family friend said it would be cheaper to make my insurance any driver rather than named drivers.

And yes, widowhood is the wretched club that Keep keeps on giving isn’t it? It’s amazing how many things change or don’t work in the same way because you’re on your own now.

I’m exceptionally miffed with the water board as I should be able to claim a single occupancy charge. To do that, I had to send them my Council Tax Bill but a year down the line they are still not charging me as they should. I’ve tried to ring them but it takes over an hour to get through so I’ve lost patience with it. They keep sending me emails asking me how they’re performing. I give them a zero every single time. I’m hoping it might make them getting in contact with me, but oh look, there’s a flock of pink pigs flying overhead. 😂

Thanks for that tip @Hisredipad , I’ll look into that. I am wrestling with PayPal trying to get money back, and Three, whose bereavement department said that they couldn’t authorise a refund without DH being there, honestly! I will admit to enjoying her reaction when I said that wouldn’t be possible.