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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really cross with dd for not coming in till midnight?

139 replies

OurCountrysGood · 21/06/2009 09:06

Dd is 26 and has 2 dc of her own - ds who is 2.5 and dd 17 weeks. They don't live near us, as they moved away last year but dd drives down frequently to see us, and I go to see her too.

Last night she and the kids stayed over, while she went out to a friend's house. I assumed she'd be back by 11 although she didn't actually say this. She had to come back at about 9 to re-settle dgd who had woken up and was screaming but then went back out again.

At about 11.45 I woke up to hear dgs screaming in the hallway. I think he had woken up and gone to look for his mummy but not found her and didn't know where he was. He was very distressed and only wanted dd. It was quite upsetting for me and dh to hear him cry.

I tried to phone dd to get her to come home but she didn't answer her mobile. She then phoned back about 5 minutes later and said she'd come home straight away.

She was back about 10 minutes after that, but for the whole time dgs was sobbing and crying, it was extremely upsetting.

So, AIBU to think she stayed out too late and should have answered her phone straight away? Me and dh slept really badly because of this. I've namechanged because she's a MNer.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 21/06/2009 09:10

She should perhaps have made it clearer but I can't see the significance of midnight-he might have done the same at 10.15. Babysitters have to manage if the parent is out.

SouthMum · 21/06/2009 09:12

YABU - she is 26 and she came back to re-settle the kids AND came back because one of them was crying AND she called you back 5 mins after the missed call

She sounds very responsible and I think you are being very harsh and VU.

Ewe · 21/06/2009 09:12

YABU

If you wanted her back by 11pm you should have said.

You're also putting loads of adult emotion on a 2.5yr old, he could have had a nightmare, not necessarily crying because he couldn't find his Mum. Even if that was the reason, if he had woken at 10:30pm, it would have been the same.

It is one night, she has her children 24/7 I am assuming. If you don't want to babysit, then don't, if you are happy to then dealing with a child in the night tends to be par for the course.

cocolepew · 21/06/2009 09:13

I think even though you've namechanged she still might work out this is about her . I agree with picesmoon, it could have happened at anytime.

QueenEagle · 21/06/2009 09:15

I assume the arrangement was for you to look after the dgs while she was out? If dgs cry then not unreasonable for it to be up to you to put them back to bed. If kids learn their mums/dads will come running every time they cry then they will make their parents' lives a misery by making them feel they can never leave them.
IMO the best thing would have been for you to see to them and let your dd have her night out uninterrupted.
Don't let this spoil your time with your dd while she is with you.

JackBauer · 21/06/2009 09:15

YABU, it sounds like she came home as soon as she knew she needed to. She wasn't to know that her ds would wake up sobbing.
I can understand it is upsetting trying to comfort a child who wants their mummy, but it's not your DD's fault.

piscesmoon · 21/06/2009 09:15

Sorry-though it was 17 months not 17 weeks-that does make a difference, YANBU. However it was the older one who was crying-I used to have to deal with that as a teenage babysitter.

Goblinchild · 21/06/2009 09:17

Poor girl, if she wants a night out that's guilt free, she'll have to stay somewhere else.
Or stay at home and have a babysitter instead of an unsympathetic mother.
She answered her phone in 5 minutes, and then came straight back because you couldn't deal with the situation. Sounds like an excellent parent to me.
Perhaps you need to develop a closer relationship with your grandson, so that he will accept cuddles and reassurance from you when he's stressed. Toddlers do cry when they are unhappy, and they recover more quickly than many adults.

SoupDragon · 21/06/2009 09:20

YABU.

She most likely didn't answer her phone right away and called you back when she'd noticed she'd had a missed call. She came back promptly after that.

JackBauer · 21/06/2009 09:20

Agree with QE, on the few nights out when MIL or my mum have babysat I have found out the next morning if the DD's have woken, barring emergency's they are babysitting and they are dealing with DD's, not me.
I have found out that DD1 stayed up watching simpsons once until 10pm, but if that's how MIL dealt with it rather than calling me home, then fine by me.

Original poster

OurCountrysGood · 21/06/2009 09:20

Pisces - dd would not want me to leave her ds in that state. He was practically hysterical - it must have been very disorientating for him to wake up in a strange house without his mum there. He's also still breastfed and only wanted his mum for comfort.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 21/06/2009 09:21

Pisces, why does it make a difference because the sleeping child was 17 weeks old, not months??

JackBauer · 21/06/2009 09:22

OurCountry, but she did come home and comfort him. I am not sure what your point it TBH, she isn't psychic (unless this is AIBU by stealth...) and wasn't to know he would wake up before midnight so surely the time she came back is irrelevant.

piscesmoon · 21/06/2009 09:24

If he was over 2 yrs he could make do with a drink of water! It would be unreasonable with the baby who needed bf if they woke. You were hardly a stranger and once he awoke properly he would realise where he was.At 2.5 yrs she should be able to leave him with you and go away for the weekend!

SouthMum · 21/06/2009 09:25

OCG - this is what kids do though, they have to learn that mum isn't going to be there immediately all of the time. He might have had a night terror or something - it happens and babysitters have to dealwith these issues, otherwise don't babysit in future.

She came back didn't she so whats the problem??

Sorry but I am pretty annoyed on your DDs behalf - she's 26 and a mother and she dared not to answer a phone call straightaway AND she took a full 10 minutes to come home when most other GP's would have dealt with the situation.

Unless there is more to this story I really think you are being out of order and a bit wet.......

piscesmoon · 21/06/2009 09:26

Because if he was bf he needed his mother aSoupDragon-unless she could express but I never got the hang of, it and my DSs wouldn't take a bottle anyway.
The older one was being bf but there were lots of alternatives by that age.

purepurple · 21/06/2009 09:26

YABU
Children cry, get over it.
I think you are annoyed at your DD because you couldn't cope with your GS when he cried.
She did ring you back within 5 minutes and came straight back home.

I actually feel a bit sorry for your DD.
If you can't rely on your Mum, then who can you rely on?

piscesmoon · 21/06/2009 09:29

I think it is a bit wet! At 17 I regularly used to have to deal with a 20 month old who always woke and cried for the mother. I ended up entertaining her but I didn't spoil the evening and phone the parents when we could get over it.

random · 21/06/2009 09:30

YABU

Original poster

OurCountrysGood · 21/06/2009 09:30

Pisces - she's never left him overnight AFAIK. She's very pro attachment parenting and ds usually goes into bed with her at some point in the night - although he starts off in his own bed/room.

I didn't want to let him cry because of dgd sleeping in the same room. We only have a 3 bed house so dd, dgs and dgd were all in the same room!

The significance of midnight is that I told her I would be going to bed at 10, I thought she would want to be back soon after that so her dc weren't left.

OP posts:

FiveGoMadInDorset · 21/06/2009 09:30

Definitely being unreasoable

poshsinglemum · 21/06/2009 09:30

YABU

I know that it's not nice dealing with a hysterical child but that's part of the deal when you babysit.
Mabe your daughter would be better off finding a professional babysitter.
I'm having this issue with my parents who have babysat for me. The second and last time they told me that dd almost cried and made it into a huge deal and made me feel bad for taking three hours off.
I just feel that I may have to go professional if I am to have any guilt free time to myself.

Tocca · 21/06/2009 09:32

Well, namechanging isn't going to stop your dd from identifying you on this post is it?

It occurs to me that you are the dd, and you are posting to see if your dm was being unreasonable?

Anyway, on your op, yabu. This could have happened at anytime of the night. Toddlers do cry sometimes - it was reasonable of you to call her if you couldn't settle him, and she came back quickly. I miss calls all the time, you sound like you are wanting to see wilful neglect where there would appear to be none.

BonsoirAnna · 21/06/2009 09:32

YABU - if you weren't prepared to babysit properly for your grandchildren, you should have warned her. It is quite natural for her to assume that, if you agreed to her going out in the circumstances, you were agreeing to babysit!

NervousNutty · 21/06/2009 09:32

YABU, my mum has been having my dd1 overnight since she was a baby, and has never ever called me to come see to her or pick her up.

She had 3 children of her own and is more than capable. She would only call me in an emergency.

I feel sorry for your dd tbh.

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