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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really cross with dd for not coming in till midnight?

139 replies

OurCountrysGood · 21/06/2009 09:06

Dd is 26 and has 2 dc of her own - ds who is 2.5 and dd 17 weeks. They don't live near us, as they moved away last year but dd drives down frequently to see us, and I go to see her too.

Last night she and the kids stayed over, while she went out to a friend's house. I assumed she'd be back by 11 although she didn't actually say this. She had to come back at about 9 to re-settle dgd who had woken up and was screaming but then went back out again.

At about 11.45 I woke up to hear dgs screaming in the hallway. I think he had woken up and gone to look for his mummy but not found her and didn't know where he was. He was very distressed and only wanted dd. It was quite upsetting for me and dh to hear him cry.

I tried to phone dd to get her to come home but she didn't answer her mobile. She then phoned back about 5 minutes later and said she'd come home straight away.

She was back about 10 minutes after that, but for the whole time dgs was sobbing and crying, it was extremely upsetting.

So, AIBU to think she stayed out too late and should have answered her phone straight away? Me and dh slept really badly because of this. I've namechanged because she's a MNer.

OP posts:

izyboy · 21/06/2009 10:19

Give it up OCG nobody agrees with you. Your daughter behaved absolutely reasonably, if you dont want to babysit say so next time. However in these circs it is you being unreasonable.

Tocca · 21/06/2009 10:20

The thing about your gc getting so upset that he cried so much a neighbour came round could have happened at anytime, couldn't it? Before your arbitrary and uncommunicated 10pm deadline, even?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 21/06/2009 10:20

If my parents were babysitting my children then yes, I would expect them to be able to settle them. If they weren't happy to look after them, I'd expect them to have said so in the first place.

Do you actually like your daughter, because from your posts, it doesn't really seem like you do.

Alambil · 21/06/2009 10:22

what would happen if she was in hospital?

she couldn't leave and come to settle the kid then, could she?

Sounds like you and their dad need to learn ways to settle the kids - who KNOWS what may happen and there'll be a time when she can not come to the rescue

SoupDragon · 21/06/2009 10:23

Even if there was no way he would settle for you, your DD came home as soon as you told her.

He could have got hysterical at any point when you were looking after him. Should she say at home all the time just in case he explodes?

traceybath · 21/06/2009 10:25

Obviously as everyone else says you're being very unreasonable.

But am intrigued regarding your 'off duty' comment. Do you think that parents sit and watch their children/babies sleep all night. I rather bizarrely tend to go to bed as well . . .

piscesmoon · 21/06/2009 10:28

Sorry dd. I think that your DD needs to go out more! It is sad if it is so exclusive that the father and grandparents can't settle him. I think she needs to leave him with the father far more often so that they can have a relationship.
You all sound very controlling. Your DD went out so she must have know he would cry. There is no need for her to be angry with you if you leave him to cry and no need for you to be angry with her! It all seems rather dysfunctional to me.
I think you should all relax! It was perfectly normal-DD went to a friends leaving her DCs safe with you. She was at the end of a phone and came back very quickly, even if he had screamed the whole time it wasn't the end of the world and I think you should have been capable of calming him anyway. You didn't make it clear that you expected her back at 10pm so she wasn't to know. The advantage of babysitting in your own home is that you can go to bed!
As a teenage babysitter I used to stay the night if they were coming in after 1am and I always got the crying 20month old back to sleep first-without calling the parents!
I would expect it to be a situation that grandparents take in their stride.

frankbestfriend · 21/06/2009 10:29

Your post has truly made me appreciate my own mother and the way in which she looks after my dc without feeling it's a chore or that she is doing me a favour. She actually enjoys it, and encourages me to have that extra hour you're so peeved about
So thanks for that.

Tocca · 21/06/2009 10:31

It's made me miss my mum even more. She loved getting the gc, all to ownsie. I would probably have come home to her tucked up in bed with both of them and my poor dad on the sofa.

Let the love in ocg, you're a long time dead.

frankbestfriend · 21/06/2009 10:36

for you tocca.
That's just how my mum is. Dad in spare room whilst dd is snuggled in bed with Grandma.

Tocca · 21/06/2009 10:44

So nice for gc to have that with their gp... for your dd!

anyway, sorry for off-topic post that i'm sure ocg will ignore along with all the relevant ones!

frankbestfriend · 21/06/2009 10:45

In fact, my Mum used to lie and say dd hadn't cried at all, when in fact she had been pacing the floor with her for an hour, just so I could feel comfortable about leaving her and having time to myself.

Op, you sound poisonous

Original poster

OurCountrysGood · 21/06/2009 10:47

But she wasn't on the end of her phone was she? She had to call me back when she saw the missed call. I've just checked my call log and it was actually 8 minutes before she returned my call, so 18 minutes in total with a screaming, hysterical toddler who would only settle for his mother.

OP posts:

TheArmadillo · 21/06/2009 10:49

YABU

You haven't anyone that will agree wtih you.

I'd give up if I was you.

Also don't babysit your grandkids again.

janeite · 21/06/2009 10:49

Oh fgs.

Surely you are not real?

Kimi · 21/06/2009 10:49

She is 26 not 16

frankbestfriend · 21/06/2009 10:50

18 minutes! Did you have the stopwatch out?

See my previous posts about my own Mum trying to settle her dgd.

bubblagirl · 21/06/2009 10:51

i think it sounds like you and your dd don't get along maybe you didnt enjoy being a parent and don't want to do the parenting of young children again

but this could be what helps you build bridges offer to stay up later to watch gc so she could have a break its one night the rest of your nights you can go to bed at 10pm but 1 night wouldn't have hurt for you to offer to watch them

she obviously is more grown up than when she was a teenager and we all lied but none of our parents still hold that against us she was drinking tea with friend not taking drugs and binge drinking it really wouldn't hurt for you to take a step back and look at your own parenting and why you don't enjoy

dont blame your dd you have a chance to mend and reform a bond with her and most importantly have a strong bond with your gc

my dp mum hated being a mum she found it so tough and when we go to stay she's forcing us out the door so she can watch our ds she wants to do it as its not often and only few hours out of one night but she wants to do this for her son and me and he gs

next time say i would like you back for 10 but then it wouldn't be worth her going out or grit your teeth and say i'd like to watch them for you have everything prepared for next few hours and enjoy it

i don't believe the bit about neighbor and abandoned child i think thats being used to emphasis how upset grandchild was but most children will be upset but a snuggle and a drink they will settle down no child will cry all night

bubblagirl · 21/06/2009 10:54

dont make her feel guilty if listening to music i miss calls 8 mins to return call give me a break if it was 2 hrs that'd be different and she came straight home its a shame you hold such negative feelings towards her this could be fantastic relationship other wise supporting your dd for one night for few hours what time did she go out you haven't mentioned this

Kimi · 21/06/2009 10:56

As much as I hate screaming kids I think you need to chill, It is a problem that the child will only settle for the mother not the fact the mother went out.

macdoodle · 21/06/2009 10:56

You sound like a waste of space !!
My 17 year old regular babysitter is quite capable of looking after my 2 DD's (7 and 18 months) and will often settle them if they wake or bath and feed DD1 and get her to bed !
She has only ever once called me to come home and that was when DD2 was poorly (I didnt know when I went out)!
I am usually out til 11:30-12 (dinner and a movie)!
If you wanted her back by your bedtime of 10pm and werent happy to look after them after that, then you bloody well should have said so!
If I was your DD I wouldnt be coming back in a hurry

littleducks · 21/06/2009 10:58

Did she ask you to babysit?

I wouldnt do this to my mum/mil without asking her, but if she asked and you agreed you should have set a time then

SoupDragon · 21/06/2009 11:00

I'm beginning to think this is made up because, in the face of all the people here telling you that you're unreasonable, you're not listening, simply prodding the fire.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 21/06/2009 11:00

YABVVVVU, I thought this was going to be about a 14 year old who stayed out past her curfew. She is 26 FGS and on a night out (I am willing to bet a very rare night out also)

Your DD came home 15 minutes after you made the call to her, she called you back as soon as she realized that she had a missed call.

You don't sound like you like your DD very much and it saddens me, I know how it feels for a mum to not like her child sometimes, I have been there. But my mum has DD for me and DH, offers all the time and can settle her also. My mum (as bad as she is with me) adores her DGD and and actually wants to look after her.

If you don't want to babysit don't but don't try to guilt trip your DD because she dared think she could have a night out.

TBH you make me feel quite sick and I feel so sad for your daughter.

Carry on like this and you will loose her for good and NO ONE would blame her.

WolframAlpha · 21/06/2009 11:01

Yes, agree SoupDragon.

And the ridiculous detail of the neighbour coming round.

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