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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really cross with dd for not coming in till midnight?

139 replies

OurCountrysGood · 21/06/2009 09:06

Dd is 26 and has 2 dc of her own - ds who is 2.5 and dd 17 weeks. They don't live near us, as they moved away last year but dd drives down frequently to see us, and I go to see her too.

Last night she and the kids stayed over, while she went out to a friend's house. I assumed she'd be back by 11 although she didn't actually say this. She had to come back at about 9 to re-settle dgd who had woken up and was screaming but then went back out again.

At about 11.45 I woke up to hear dgs screaming in the hallway. I think he had woken up and gone to look for his mummy but not found her and didn't know where he was. He was very distressed and only wanted dd. It was quite upsetting for me and dh to hear him cry.

I tried to phone dd to get her to come home but she didn't answer her mobile. She then phoned back about 5 minutes later and said she'd come home straight away.

She was back about 10 minutes after that, but for the whole time dgs was sobbing and crying, it was extremely upsetting.

So, AIBU to think she stayed out too late and should have answered her phone straight away? Me and dh slept really badly because of this. I've namechanged because she's a MNer.

OP posts:

TheArmadillo · 21/06/2009 09:33

you sound as if you really didn't want to babysit so why did you agree?

Also if you wanted her back at a certain time you should have agreed that before she went out.

If you are babysitting you should be prepared to deal with distressed children.

She returned your call and was back within 15 minutes.

Surely babysitting 2 very young children you and your dh should have expected disturbed sleep? Young children do wake alot on average especially in a different environment.

I think you were being incrediably unrealistic and very harsh on your dd. YABU

ra29needsabettername · 21/06/2009 09:33

Would it not have been nice of you to let her have a break/night out even if it meant you had to stay up late/look after your dgc?
I find it hard to understand tbh...

SouthMum · 21/06/2009 09:34

You thought she would be back so DCs weren't left on their own??? Why what were they doing - sat up watching Live Sex on HBO with a few cans of Bud sticking hair pins into plug sockets????

They were in the same room as you so they weren't left at all.

Sorry but kids crying and interrupting sleep is part of the glorious road that is being a grandparent who has the kids overnight.

Suggest you don't have them in future then they won't ruin your evening.

piscesmoon · 21/06/2009 09:36

She should be able to go out! He is of an age where you can explain and calm him down. She might have to be rushed off to hospital suddenly to have her appendix out-there are 101 reasons why she might not be able to attend to everything at once. I think it is very good for a DC to be able to stay with close people like grandparents on their own. You could have taken him into your bed for a cuddle. I liked staying with my mother when DS was that age because he got into bed with her in the early morning rather than me!!

SouthMum · 21/06/2009 09:37

Infact the more I think about this the more I think it is AIBU by stealth - no grandparent would seriously be miffed at this situation...

Come on OP what really happened????

Tocca · 21/06/2009 09:37

so, the issue is that you wanted to be 'off watch' by the time that you went to bed at 10pm.

That's a bit mean - agree with bonsoir, you either babysit and give her a night off, or you ask her to be home by 10pm.

bubblagirl · 21/06/2009 09:37

i think your dd didnt take the mickey she came back when most people looking after child would take on the responsibility of settling child unless she came back to feed and then settled back but the older child could have been cuddled popped into your bed etc

ive never had to come back and settle my child when out and my mum has always settled and soothed for me saying its fine children cry its only for one night

im sure she wouldn't have been out early most probably after settling children for the evening she probably just wanted few hours to herself thinking children would be fine and looked after by you 12 o'clock isn't late if you have already gone home twice to settle children she probably wanted to finish conversation and coffee to feel she'd actually had some kind of a break

QueenEagle · 21/06/2009 09:40

"He was practically hysterical - it must have been very disorientating for him to wake up in a strange house without his mum there."

But he wasn't in a strange house....you said your dd and dgs visit frequently!!

What is the REAL problem here? Is it that you felt unable to cope? If so, very unfair to take that out on your dd - next time say that you aren't up to babysitting.

Original poster

OurCountrysGood · 21/06/2009 09:43

SouthMum - they weren't in the same room as me, they were in the room together, and where dd was going to sleep when she got in.

Do you all think that midnight is an acceptable time to come in then? When she knew I was going to bed at 10? The deal was never for me to have them overnight, I know she wouldn't leave either of them for that long. I suppose I just didn't think she would be in so late. She said that when I phoned she was having a cup of tea with her friend and would have left after that but how do I know she's telling the truth?

She doesn't post much on MN anymore, btw, I namechanged so she wouldn't see my name if she did happen to come on.

OP posts:

TrinityRhino · 21/06/2009 09:45

I see my mum once a year as we live so far away
last time both the little children woke when she babysat for me and dh

I didn't know about it till I came home ot find her watching something she didn't want to watch on the telly and desperate for a cuppa as she didn't want to move and waken both of them who had settled back down to sleep on her

she didn't want to ring us as she could cope
even though it obviously put her out
they are her grandchildren and she wanted to care for them and to help us

you sound like you didn't want to babysit

Original poster

OurCountrysGood · 21/06/2009 09:47

I think that when you're 2 and used to being at home then yes, waking up in a dark house without mum there must be extremely upsetting for a little one. Things look very different in the dark.

OP posts:

rumdontbotherreplyingmum · 21/06/2009 09:49

OCG.. where do you think she was? did she tell you where she was going?.. I can't understand why your making a big deal out of it to be honest...

SouthMum · 21/06/2009 09:50

Oh sorry OCG - misread that - makes no diff though - you could have taken him to bed with you for a cuddle.

Midnight is a very acceptable time to come in if you are 26 and your mum has the kids.

However we all knew this was AIBU by stealth - when you say the kids were staying over and you were babysitting the natural assumption for us all would be to think you were going to look after them.

You should have said to your DD that this wasn't the intention.

You are still BVU - your DD is a mother not a mind reader.

And your comment about "how do I know she is telling the truth" made me go - why would you think she is lying?

Don't think you need to worry in future though - if this was me and my mum made such a fuss I wouldn't be staying there again.

TrinityRhino · 21/06/2009 09:50

I dont think I realise how lucky I am

Original poster

OurCountrysGood · 21/06/2009 09:51

TrinityRhino - if I could've settled him I would. But he was screaming so loudly one of our neighbours came by to see if a child had been abandoned!

I repeat - I didn't want to leave him to cry beacause i know dd would not want that. And also I didn't want him to wake dgs up.

My problem is more that she didn't answer her phone straight away and was out so late.

OP posts:

Tocca · 21/06/2009 09:51

So, the consensu is YABU. And you know on MN if anybody could disagree that they would...

Have you changed your mind, or do you still think the way you have reacted was right?

Goblinchild · 21/06/2009 09:52

I think if you're looking for someone to say you were being reasonable, you're going to have to sign on with another name change and support yourself.
And really...
'She said that when I phoned she was having a cup of tea with her friend and would have left after that but how do I know she's telling the truth?'
Says a lot more about you than your daughter.

SouthMum · 21/06/2009 09:53

Oh get over yourself - she called you back after 5 mins and came in at midnight which is perfectly reasonable.

You didn't want to look after them - you should have said instead of looking for excuses of why she is a rotten mother.

Agree with Trinity - I will never moaan about my mum again.

Goblinchild · 21/06/2009 09:54

TrinityRhino
I dont think I realise how lucky I am

So perhaps this post has done some good then!
Count your blessings.

Tocca · 21/06/2009 09:54

She wasn't out late. She was out past your bedtime.

She missed the call, happens to all of us and was back within 15 minutes. It really does sound like you've got a big old downer on your daughter, I'm afraid.

izyboy · 21/06/2009 09:55

This is very odd - she has an occasional night out and you agreed to babysit. Why couldnt you have stayed up for a bit? It's really no big deal, you could go to bed early the next night. When I babysit for my friends and them for me, we come home between 11:30 and 12:00pm. Any earlier and ther is no pint in going out. You are being very unreasonable and controlling. If I was your daughter I would find another babysitter.

Alambil · 21/06/2009 09:55

it's not SO late - midnight is the time most clubs are just getting good, the pubs aren't even shut at midnight on a Saturday!!! but anyway - she was with a mate having a cuppa... so bloody what?!

She didn't answer her phone for a multitude of reasons - it was in the hall, she didn't hear it, they had music on, they were laughing loudly at that precise moment

She RANG BACK. Withing FIVE minutes.

I suggest you don't babysit any more - it's obvious you don't want to and still expect her to deal with the children when she's not there!

I am going to seriously thank my mother - she's had DS many, many times overnight / over weekends. The most recent was for a whole week.

Alambil · 21/06/2009 09:56

withIN obviously

JoPie · 21/06/2009 09:56

You should have specified what time you wanted her back if you had an issue with it. You were going to bed at 10pm and intended to have nothing more to do with them? Completely unreasonable, IMO. You say the deal was you wouldn't have them overnight, but until midnight is not overnight! Midnight is hardly late, she clearly was close by anyway as she got home so quickly when you phoned her. ND she had already come home once, why didn't you mention a time to her then?

I think you should tell her that you don't want to babysit for her again, as it seems clear that you don't want to put yourself out. Actually if I was her I wouldn't ask you to, I agree with pp's, I feel sorry for her that she can't rely on her own mother to babysit for just a few hours.

monkeyfacegrace · 21/06/2009 09:57

Am I missing something? Unless your a frail 90yr old granny midnight is kinda normal?? A lot of people dont think about going to be before then anyway? If you are prepared to make your daughter feel guilty over TWO hours then shame on you. My parents have my 2 kids overnight, and my mum has serious medical issues that means it takes a lot of clinical sorting out before she can move from the spot, but she still does it gladly cuz they are her grandkids and she realises that sometimes us mums need time out too. As for not answering her phone, thats plain rediculous.

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