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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really cross with dd for not coming in till midnight?

139 replies

OurCountrysGood · 21/06/2009 09:06

Dd is 26 and has 2 dc of her own - ds who is 2.5 and dd 17 weeks. They don't live near us, as they moved away last year but dd drives down frequently to see us, and I go to see her too.

Last night she and the kids stayed over, while she went out to a friend's house. I assumed she'd be back by 11 although she didn't actually say this. She had to come back at about 9 to re-settle dgd who had woken up and was screaming but then went back out again.

At about 11.45 I woke up to hear dgs screaming in the hallway. I think he had woken up and gone to look for his mummy but not found her and didn't know where he was. He was very distressed and only wanted dd. It was quite upsetting for me and dh to hear him cry.

I tried to phone dd to get her to come home but she didn't answer her mobile. She then phoned back about 5 minutes later and said she'd come home straight away.

She was back about 10 minutes after that, but for the whole time dgs was sobbing and crying, it was extremely upsetting.

So, AIBU to think she stayed out too late and should have answered her phone straight away? Me and dh slept really badly because of this. I've namechanged because she's a MNer.

OP posts:
Original poster
OurCountrysGood · 21/06/2009 09:57

She said she was round a friend's house, who lives not far from us (she grew up round here before she moved away) and certainly it didn't take her long to get back once she'd picked up her phone.

She used to have a big problem with honesty when she was younger - I always have to take anything she says with a small pinch of salt.

I told her I was going to bed at 10 - surely anyone would know to be back shortly after that? She should have known that dgs wouldn't settle for me, and there's no way I can settle dgd as she's still exclusively breastfed and dd didn't leave me any milk!

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 21/06/2009 09:59

I wonder if you disapprove of her attachment parenting and are getting you own back by saying that if she has chosen it she can't have a night off and must be in bed by 10pm?

I can't see a problem-it was your grandson-he knows you and the house, of course he was upset to start with-they are when they first wake but you could have calmed him and let your DD stay where she was until she was ready to come back.
If she was in a cinema she wouldn't have even had the phone switched on. If she had been at a party or somewhere noisy she wouldn't have heard it. In that type of situation you would have to cope. If I was her I would find a different babysitter!

TrinityRhino · 21/06/2009 09:59

its a shame he wont settle for you
mine only see my parents once and year and they can settle them
but then they actually want to care for them...

izyboy · 21/06/2009 09:59

If I was her I would wonder whether you were actually 'able' to look after the gc's properly - you have a chip on your shoulder and that cannot be a good environment in which to leave kids.

QuintessentialShadow · 21/06/2009 10:00

I am more concerned about the fact that you have chosen to diss your own dd on a forum you know she posts.

It has happened once before, a mum coming online to wash the family laundry regards her daughter and her marriage.

Are you the same mum?

eandh · 21/06/2009 10:00

well I have worked out who you are and who your dd is so am hoping your dd doesnt see this as surely you should speak to her rather than risk her reading this on here

I don't think it was too late and she came to settle dgd when she woke and was home in 10mins after phone call. This has reminded me how lucky we are that my parents have the dd's overnight about every 6 weeks so we have a break (have done this since dd1 was a few months old) they have never called me and managed to settle them if they were upset (and when dh and I had nor virus and they had the dd's so we could get some rest my Mum was up from 2am as dd2 came down with it and she never mentioned it (only found out months later)

Alambil · 21/06/2009 10:00

If she wasnt due a feed, you don't need milk to settle her

It seems odd that you think when you go to bed, you're "off duty" - what happens when parents go to bed? what happens when kids are on holiday at their grandparents?

It's obsurd that you're getting so wound up by this really.

12am is not late. She was home within 15 minutes of you calling her (for a second time)

the poor woman probably felt like she didn't have a break at all.

piscesmoon · 21/06/2009 10:01

I don't think that you are being unreasonable about the younger one, but he didn't wake and even if he did he could have cried for the short time it took her to get back.

Alambil · 21/06/2009 10:01

I thought that QS.... strangely similar relationship with the mum/daughter

eandh · 21/06/2009 10:02

End of my post didnt appear but I think you should speak to your dd rather than risk her reading what you have posted on here

FiveGoMadInDorset · 21/06/2009 10:02

Your grandson not settling for you says an awful lot about your relationship with him.

QuintessentialShadow · 21/06/2009 10:02

I am actually sure it was you. The controlling and lacking in empathy suggests it.

If it is you, I am sure your dd will read this.

I have to say to your dd: I have missed your posts, as I havent seen you around since last time. It seems by this that you DID move away after all, GOOD MOVE. Well done.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 21/06/2009 10:03

You know what, if you resent her having a night out, just don't have them to stay again. You do sound rather petty, I'm afraid. Are you saying you didn't know how to deal with your grandchild? because that's rather unfortunate.

There was no agreement according to your posts for her to be back by 10. As far as she knew, the kids were being looked after by their grandma, so were safe. Going to bed is a red herring because unless you are telling me she stays up all night to watch them, the house settles down every night . and coming back at midnight is hardly you having them overnight, is it? You having them overnight would be if she had left them with you and was not staying with you also. She went out, but her sleeping arrangements were to return to your house after her evening out.

Do you resent her having a night out, or is it that you didn't want to be responsible for the kids, or is it that you disapprove of her parenting methods? What is the problem?

eandh · 21/06/2009 10:03

oh ok that did appear just forgot I had typed it in first part of post -

JoPie · 21/06/2009 10:03

Its no surprise you can't settle him when you spend the time on the phone and from the sounds of it, peering out of thw window waiting for her. Be honest, did you even try?

And as for questioning her honesty on everything...you have serious ishoos there. Seriously, don't babysit again, you're not able for it.

Why do people ask a question on AIBU when they are unwilling to admit that they may be U? Whats the point?

Original poster
OurCountrysGood · 21/06/2009 10:05

Pisces - the younger one is dd, I don't think you're reading my posts very closely at all.

QS - I don't know which mum you're talking about but my dd's marriage is fine AFAIK!

OP posts:
lucyellensmumisgreat · 21/06/2009 10:06

If i were your DD i would not let you babysit ever again - firstly you say it was awful for you to hear dgs crying in the hallway - um, novel as it might sound - but you could have got off your arse and gone to comfort him!

No good posting here to ease your guilt for being incompetent.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 21/06/2009 10:07

Oh QS, I remember that. Can't remember who it turned out to be though.

OP, if this is you again, then I think you need to sit down and work out what is really important, before you drive your daughter away and end up a lonely old woman with nobody who cares about you. She will reach a point where she says you know what, it's not worth it. And then you'll be alone. And you'll regret your attitude and actions. But it'll be too late.

SouthMum · 21/06/2009 10:07

Yep don't babysit again, or next time make it clear that you expect your DD to behave like she is living at home again and must report in every 5 minutes otherwise you will assume she is lying about where she has been.

Seriously you sound so wet I'm surprised you aren't drowning.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 21/06/2009 10:08

Ah, x posts - if you are not the same person that QS is talking about, apols.

purepurple · 21/06/2009 10:08

When i read the thread title i thought DD was 12 and had stayed out beyond her bedtime.

was I in for a shock when i read the OP

26 ffs and this bit made me laugh "She used to have a big problem with honesty when she was younger - I always have to take anything she says with a small pinch of salt." no shit, sounds like normal teenage behaviour
no wonder your daughter moved away

QuintessentialShadow · 21/06/2009 10:08

Hecate I remember but wont "out" her here, 'tis not fair. And I might be wrong.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 21/06/2009 10:11

YABU - I thought from the thread title it was going to be about a 14 year-old.

She sounds perfectly responsible and your sound a bit grumpy TBH.

SoupDragon · 21/06/2009 10:12

FGS, you phoned, she was home in 15 minutes.

Get over it and don't offer to babysit again since you're obviously cr*p at it.

Original poster
OurCountrysGood · 21/06/2009 10:16

I'm very surprised that you expect your parents to settle your dc. Seriously, there was no way dgs was going to settle for me. You lot weren't there, you didn't see him. Even his dad (my son IL) can't settle him if he wants dd. And she would be angry if I left him to cry. As for "I could have got off my arse" comment- I was asleep and in bed and went to him as soon as I heard him.

OP posts:
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