Is this a red flag? (Yelling)

[seriousquestion26]

Can I ask for advice on how to handle this situation

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 3 years , living together for 1. No kids (I’m mid 40s, he’s mid 50s). He was with someone for 20 years, 1 university aged child, she seems fine with him so no red flags there (she left him for someone else)

For the first time ever he shouted at me today … the reason was I heard a noise (worried it was a rat) and shouted for him to come down quickly (in case he could hear)

Apparently ‘being asked to drop everything’ is annoying to him. I explained that it was urgent…
This is v out of character- he’s usually v mild mannered

For context we are due to get married in a few months - I am the high earner in the relationship and it’s my house (he does a bit of freelancing)

Im concerned as I’m a bit vulnerable at the moment having lost my job 2 weeks ago (so now at home in the day focusing on my job search). I think he misses having the house to himself in the day & may be worried about money (he has serious savings from his earlier working life & inheritance)

I left & went back to my home office

Planning to tell him I won’t be yelled at (it might be overkill to say ‘so that again & the wedding is off /you need to leave’ - or maybe not?)

Anything else I need to do? Like refuse to spend time with him etc..?

Wary as my cousin’s (now ex) H started becoming abusive after marriage & ramped it up after pregnancy…

I can manage financially alone & fund most things including mortgage anyway

WWYD? Any advice for me please?

he was working to pay rent and has since decided he can retire…

You were his retirement plan and you've putting that in jeopardy with your job loss.

I am however concerned that I have made his life far too comfortable (since moving in with me he has basically retired, and then inherited a large sum), and that he is telling me he doesn’t want to be bothered with my needs … meanwhile he complains about me being on my phone in the evening when he wants company

He's got his feet under your table, he's got his fuck you money, and he's showing lack of respect for you.

He has not yelled at me before, he did have a massive strop when he moved in as I wasn’t ’welcoming’ enough (he left our home for several hours until I called him asking him to return) - I consider this a red flag, but again it happened at a stressful time
He is over-frugal and getting used to an easy life - as I am aware that no one is perfect, I might be tempted to do the same if I had the opportunity!

Speak to a lawyer before you do anything. He's gotten comfortable and you're seeing some of his negative side.

I think he sounds like an asshole who's retired on your dime and doesn't like that your job loss might complicate that.

I’ve read all the OP posts and some of the replies.

I agree that it’s time for you two to put your cards on the table. I would add, @seriousquestion26 if you have lines around the marriage - eg you need him to put his hand in his pocket while you are looking for work - make a deadline in your head about this. I did with an ex, I got sick of his promises that never materialised, so when we had ANOTHER conversation about it I mentally noted a date six weeks ahead. Surprise surprise he hadn’t done anything towards the thing he’d promised for the Nth time, and I understood then that he was never going to. He didn’t want to and he was fobbing me off with empty promises.

Anyway, I would definitely proceed with caution. You are in a really comfortable position right now and you don’t want to lose that because he’s playing a long game. If he’s reluctant to do what you need him to- not marry, but commit financially in the way you want him to (and do get legal advice first, please!) I would see that as a red flag.

Finally, sit with these feelings and go over the relationship. Have you felt like this at other times, apart from when he threw a strop at your lack of welcoming behaviour? Any occasion on which he has been surly, rude, brusque, unreasonable, angry, silent, spiteful? Any time you have ended up feeling bamboozled by a conversation with him, or he’s bulldozed you, or overridden your opinion? Any mysterious happening in the house that he denies knowledge of (stuff like your possessions being lost or broken) or do your things get accidentally broken but never his?

Thank you to those who have taken time to comment

@Sweetandsours : this is my worst nightmare and something I won’t let happen

@AlphaApple , @YourLoftyCyanZebra and @outerspacepotato : thanks, I need to see what he does

@AlertCat : thanks for a very thoughtful reply

No, he is not damaging my things, that would be a whole parade of flags! He is protective re his possessions , e.g. early on he got very stroppy because I dropped one of his cups & broke it (I bought more of the same design), I don’t know whether this is a reaction to losing his own space or a sign of something more (he owned a home with his ex then rented for 10 years)

I overpay for the house - ie insurance, maintenance, getting the boiler serviced etc is all my expense not shared, and pay more for out holidays, outings etc - I don’t think this is fair anymore

When he moved in he was upset about getting rid of his things (ikea furniture he’d owned for 10 years since splitting from his ex) - ie cost about £4k to buy all in 10 years ago and now fundamentally worthless. This was what the ‘strop’ was about, meanwhile he had rejected renting a storage unit for those things as ‘not worth it’. From my perspective he was wanting to have his cake & eat it

We are going on a trip to see his son soon (if I was working he would have gone without me). I plan to not offer to contribute to hotel/petrol/meals and see what he does which will force a conversation about who has what now vs 2 years ago

I have a few complaints about him - mostly financial vs the way he treats me, I don’t think the frugality is warranted anymore since he inherited, it is either ingrained, a reaction to his ex dumping him out of the blue, or a sign that he doesn’t value me much …

He isn’t surly/rude/a bulldozer, which is why today surprised me. He is v likeable, my friends love him (he seems a good hearted person, which is why today shook me)

My family have warned me to protect my finances and I agree with that ….

OP, he IS half living off you, in YOUR home.

You sound far to nice, decent, and YOUNG, to be settling for so little and paying for it too, for a grumpy old fellow.
They really only get grumpier as they age.

I plan to not offer to contribute to hotel/petrol/meals and see what he does which will force a conversation about who has what now vs 2 years ago

This is not the behaviour of a grown up. Have the conversation now, not away from home. Your idea is petty and ridiculous, be brave and have an honest conversation today.

This. V good advice.

Have you seen any evidence of his serious savings and inheritance, or is this something you've been told?

You can tell someone they must not shout at you, and they may agree not to - but the next time they do it, what are you going to do?

I also think some people do interpret any frustration/passion/upset in another person's voice as shouting, when it's not necessarily. I had an abusive ex who would be coldly angry and say horrible things to me all the time, and I would get upset and he'd make it all about me 'shouting'. It's very subjective and without being there we can't really know. And people have different feelings about it - I don't think being slightly impassioned sometimes is worse than passive aggression, for example, but others do.

ETA, I definitely don't think it's worth calling off the wedding though, but on the other hand if OP is going to end a marriage over a one time thing like this then perhaps it isn't fair to anyone to go ahead.

I may be living in a completely bizarre universe when I say this, but… yelling? That’s it? Don’t we all yell from time to time? Or are we now expected to be ultra-controlled, perpetually respectful, never-angry people who always communicate perfectly and calmly? That seems an impossible, and frankly barely human, expectation.

I might go on a sweary, shouty tirade once a year when I’m overwhelmed, stressed and feeling unheard. Is it ideal? No. But I’m human, and humans experience emotions that sometimes get the better of them. My partner knows I can be snappy at times, but I also make a conscious effort to be compassionate, kind and thoughtful in our relationship.

I’m absolutely not suggesting that screaming at your partner every day is acceptable. But let’s keep some perspective. Yelling once in three years isn't the crime of the century. We all get things wrong sometimes, and I think compassion and understanding when someone messes up are important.

I also think we need to be careful about automatically treating expressions of anger in men as red flags. There is a difference between occasional frustration or losing your temper and a pattern of intimidation, threats or abuse. Context matters, frequency matters, and so does how someone behaves the rest of the time.

I often wonder whether I get far more leeway because of my sex. If I were a man, I suspect I’d be considered a walking red flag by MN standards. Shouting and swearing once a year? The horror!

We can hold people accountable for how they express their emotions without expecting them to be perfectly regulated, perfectly articulate and perfectly calm every second of their lives. A little more perspective and a little more grace wouldn't go amiss.

I have never found it necessary to shout or yell at anyone and I think poorly of people who do. Men who shout frighten me - as so many women find out, before a man raises his fists, he raises his voice,

Do you really love him @seriousquestion26 ? You sound in two minds?

I think you need a serious talk before marrying. And yes see your solicitor.

^ this is a good question

Well, to update, it turns out he was having a pretty bad day about other things (a family bereavement last year) which was behind the irritability

Im going to talk to him about both the behaviour and our financial imbalance, setting it in a wider context of a relationship that is broadly happy day to day, but like a PP suggested, 3 years actually isn’t that long, we are still seeing different sides of each other

Thanks for all the comments which have given me a lot to think about

Sounds positive. Best wishes to you both.