Is this a red flag? (Yelling)

[seriousquestion26]

Can I ask for advice on how to handle this situation

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 3 years , living together for 1. No kids (I’m mid 40s, he’s mid 50s). He was with someone for 20 years, 1 university aged child, she seems fine with him so no red flags there (she left him for someone else)

For the first time ever he shouted at me today … the reason was I heard a noise (worried it was a rat) and shouted for him to come down quickly (in case he could hear)

Apparently ‘being asked to drop everything’ is annoying to him. I explained that it was urgent…
This is v out of character- he’s usually v mild mannered

For context we are due to get married in a few months - I am the high earner in the relationship and it’s my house (he does a bit of freelancing)

Im concerned as I’m a bit vulnerable at the moment having lost my job 2 weeks ago (so now at home in the day focusing on my job search). I think he misses having the house to himself in the day & may be worried about money (he has serious savings from his earlier working life & inheritance)

I left & went back to my home office

Planning to tell him I won’t be yelled at (it might be overkill to say ‘so that again & the wedding is off /you need to leave’ - or maybe not?)

Anything else I need to do? Like refuse to spend time with him etc..?

Wary as my cousin’s (now ex) H started becoming abusive after marriage & ramped it up after pregnancy…

I can manage financially alone & fund most things including mortgage anyway

WWYD? Any advice for me please?

It's absolutely right that she delays marrying him and potentially giving him rights to half her property should they dicorce.

Why do you think he needs equal rights to her house?

A man showing aggression towards a woman is a completely different scenario from a woman showing aggression towards a man, that’s just logically, morally and statistically true. Any woman who doesn’t understand that must have a few pages glued together, frankly.

Totally. Sometimes - mostly tbf - the 'reverse the sexes' schtick is completely pointless.

@nomas:his assets are entirely in his name (savings & inheritance). I know how much the inheritance was as it was recent, savings he’s told me but I’ve not seen paper statements

He & his ex were not married but I know the financial details and they get on ok it seems so I’m taking my opinion from that

Ok but be aware that he can siphon off savings to his parents or siblings accounts so that they do not count in a divorce.

If you do marry him, he should contribute equally to a new house.

@Pancakeflipper: today is the first time I’ve ever thought I might not like being married to him

Getting married was my idea not his … and what I’m thinking about is more about keeping the house in only my name

I'm with him, a suspected rat is not an urgent situation requiring the immediate presence of your partner.

@nomas: you are correct. He has no siblings/living parents so his only option would be to give money to his son

He is not really the duplicitous type so I have not been overly concerned about this

Today has given me pause to think so I want a husband who shouts at me …

well, I am still waiting to hear what he actually did/ said. People lose their tempers, that's not to say he was aggressive to her. Is he sorry? What's happened since?

And her behaviour of threatening to break things off over one - uncharacteristic - loss of temper, and even if she does proceed with it she won't allow him a stake in their joint home unless he "behaves", that's manipulative in my view.

Have you literally NEVER lost your temper over something and shouted at your kids? Ever? I have, especially if otherwise stressed. It doesn't mean I am being aggressive or absusive towards them.

Statistics show that more abuse shows up after marriage / a baby.

You are very smart to be concerned and to take steps to protect yourself financially.

Is there something driving the decision to get married?

My husband is scared of bees and other flying insects etc, I have never once shouted at him when he has called me to deal with one.

@Poppingby: I was not afraid of him (he’s not a frightening man). I’m also a very independent person

I am concerned that after marriage he will get comfortable and treat me with a lack of respect as I have seen this in other couples

I need to explain my boundary as PPs have said, and consider how I protect myself financially

This is partly why I want him to buy into the house - so it’s clear what the ownership is. I also am not concerned about him divorcing me - more about becoming a grumpy old man after marriage and how to prevent that …

No, but we aren't all you.

Maybe he was in the middle of something, maybe he got a shock, who knows, the OP hasn't said. She also hasnt' really explain what he shouted in and in what context. As i already said, it sounds like things are stressful and fraught with their current sitaution anyway, and the shouting is unusual.

Obviosuly OP shouldnt' get married and sign over her house if she's not sure. but if she was otherwise happy, and is now using that as some kind of stick over him to "prove" he can "behave" like some naughty child, then that comes across as manipulative and controlling.

@nomas:my reasons are cultural and to have rights as a wife (eg if he were taken ill etc) - a friends partner had a stroke a few years ago & his family cut her out

I understand. What are his reasons for not wanting to buy into the house?

There you go @nomas - it's not about being afraid or aggression, it's about making sure he "behaves" as OP wants him to.

Imagine if that behaviour wasn't about being a grumpy man, but about a compliant wife... noone has to put up some beahviour they don't like but using marriage and financial equality in a relationship to threaten that someone stay agreeable and cheery isn't on.

Definitely talk about it.
Was he stressed/in the middle of something?
Clearly being shouted at is unacceptable but it does happen at times of stress.

If he has never shouted at you before in 3 years it sounds like it’s a one-off?

I can understand why he was annoyed tbh as that would have irritated me unless you were a young child. From a grown woman it sounds as if you wanted him to jump to your tune in that moment, that may be what he found stressful that caused the shouting.

This! This! This!!

Why get married! He has the same savings as you have equity in the house for now!

What happens if he spends it all on his daughter’s wedding or buying her a house??

You have nothing to gain in getting married and everything to lose!

Why have you put the word 'behaves' in quotation mark when OP didn't say that?

She said:

I am concerned that after marriage he will get comfortable and treat me with a lack of respect as I have seen this in other couples

Her concerns are valid and you minimising them is bizarre.

Why do you need to marry him anyway? Just see how it goes.

I don’t shout at my husband and he doesn’t shout at me.. we have exchanged angry words on occasion but is there ever a need to treat a grown person like a naughty child?

I agree. If you want to call the wedding off, call the wedding off.

@BusyGreySnail: I appreciate your different perspective

I have a deep and irrational fear of mice/rats which he knows, I wanted him to come in case one popped out mainly, or to know if he heard what I heard

My ‘yelling’ was calling him loudly as stated

I think I am going to decouple the behaviour and finances

I do want him to not shout, and I do want him to come quickly if I call him (which is very rare - last time was when I DID see a rat in our garden. I only call him to drop everything of it is an emergency or I’m afraid … I don’t think that is asking too much and I willingly drop what I am doing if he needs me)

Re the finances : I’m going to proceed with caution over the next several months, and I’ve already planned a prenup for house & pension. His view is that ‘we should both have what we came in with’ which I think is fair too - unfortunately the law doesn’t treat the house the same as an inheritance…

I’ve never thought this before, but if it’s the start of a pattern I would/will have to

DP doesn't do much that annoys me, but her yelling for me urgently for something utterly inconsequential like a bloody spider drives me up the fucking wall. Hearing a noise you think might be a rat falls under that category for me.

I'm storming downstairs because I think she's hurt herself, or in danger or something, adrenelines pumping, and I get downstairs and it's nothing, it's infuriating and I really struggle to calm down.

I don't shout. Ever. I'm a big bloke with a very deep voice and I'd learnt by about 13 that me raising my voice even a little bit scares the shit out of people. DP and DD have heard me shout 3 times, and each one was to get DDs attention and stop her from doing something dangerous.

Generally, not shouting is not a herculean task. I'm a calm person and I don't have a lot in life I'd want to shout about anyway.

But getting to the bottom of the stairs, having nearly fallen down them in my haste to confront the intruder or lift the bookcase off DP or whatever I'm picturing in my head, only to find a pissing spider as my foe. Yes, I'm angry, and not showing that is a real effort.