Is this a red flag? (Yelling)

[seriousquestion26]

Can I ask for advice on how to handle this situation

I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 3 years , living together for 1. No kids (I’m mid 40s, he’s mid 50s). He was with someone for 20 years, 1 university aged child, she seems fine with him so no red flags there (she left him for someone else)

For the first time ever he shouted at me today … the reason was I heard a noise (worried it was a rat) and shouted for him to come down quickly (in case he could hear)

Apparently ‘being asked to drop everything’ is annoying to him. I explained that it was urgent…
This is v out of character- he’s usually v mild mannered

For context we are due to get married in a few months - I am the high earner in the relationship and it’s my house (he does a bit of freelancing)

Im concerned as I’m a bit vulnerable at the moment having lost my job 2 weeks ago (so now at home in the day focusing on my job search). I think he misses having the house to himself in the day & may be worried about money (he has serious savings from his earlier working life & inheritance)

I left & went back to my home office

Planning to tell him I won’t be yelled at (it might be overkill to say ‘so that again & the wedding is off /you need to leave’ - or maybe not?)

Anything else I need to do? Like refuse to spend time with him etc..?

Wary as my cousin’s (now ex) H started becoming abusive after marriage & ramped it up after pregnancy…

I can manage financially alone & fund most things including mortgage anyway

WWYD? Any advice for me please?

She shouted because she saw a RAT in her own house (which would have me shout too as rats scare the hell out). He should have just laugh it off, chase the rat or minimise the whole thing but he chose to escalate it and yell at her.This is a HUGE red flag.

Sounds like a cocklodge getting a bit too cozy in his 'lodge', thinking its ok to start throwing abuse when you interrupt the stamp collecting project he has going on in your attic.

If anyone thinks this is ok I have a message: Your bar is very low.

So you are subsidising him massively whilst he sits on his money bank?

With respect OP, these are the actions of a desperate woman being used by a man.

Desperation causes women to do very stupid self sabotaging things.

He uses you and your home as a "nurse with a purse" scenario whilst gaining half a house from marriage and all the time protecting his premarital inheritance.

For goodness sake wake up.
In a future divorce, a judge could very negatively look at the age differential regarding his housing, and you might be seriously disadvantaged as a result.

Stranger things have happened.

Oh and the relationship bar on MN is very low.

She didn’t see a rat, she heard a noise and thought it might be a rat for reasons that are unclear.

Dramatic and lacking resilience and knowledge of normal human interaction. Cowering at a raised voice does not represent abuse and stating it does does not represent a strong and aware woman. If anyone yells because you've interrupted them, they're a fallible human. If that makes someone upset, they need some resilience and probably need to leave the house more to expose themselves to real humans.

@Sweetandsours: this is my concern

Our relative financial security has changed since we met but he has not stepped up as yet, I need him to do so now

I need to talk to him about this, as well as speaking to my solicitor. If I’m not happy over the next few months I am prepared to end the wedding plans

@toiletpaperthief: you say it well, he has been a bit ‘off’ these last 2 weeks when I have been at home, especially as I am mostly in my own office working all day!!! I need to find out if he’s stressed about my situation or resentful of it

So he’s spent a couple of years being the lower earning and you taking care of him. He’s now had a windfall and hasn’t stepped up? He’s also moody and/or souring the atmosphere because you’re spending time in the home YOU OWN, because he likes to be by himself there? He’s taking the piss

I wouldn't worry if it's out of character. But I'd tell him you don't appreciate being shouted at for something minor and would ask if he is ok?

So you think a man yelling at you because you interrupted his home (your home) hobbie is acceptable? Really? I could understand him being stressed out and yelling because OP interrupted something important like his job interview/teams meeting with his boss etc...

Again: the bar is low.

This.
Please wake up OP.

It sounds to me he’s found a nice house to work from home in (yours) and doesn’t want you raining on his parade.

And don’t forget the big strop as OP wasn’t “welcoming enough” when he moved in.

Oh OP please rethink this potential marriage and living arrangement. This isn’t a good man.

Using the good old mumsnet adage - When someone tells you who they are … LISTEN!!

Hmmm your last update makes me think he has not been anything like as perfect over the last 3 years as your earlier posts suggested. Tread carefully..

Am I missing how you are subsidising him and not financially benefitting at all? He has no rent costs, you pay the mortgage. You have no bill costs, he pays them all. Is that not roughly even?

To also want him to pay off your mortgage for you, on a house he doesn’t own, seems insane. Like I said, I’m probably missing something!

Are you in the UK ? I don’t think it matters whose name the house is in, because it’s classed as a marital asset if you divorce.
Pre nups are not valid.
You don’t need to be married to be someone’s next of kin.
I think the shouting has made you think more about whether marriage is for you.

@Groundbreaking: we both benefit financially to be fair, he pays the bills (which are around £600/month), I pay the mortgage which is £1500 a month

What I would like is for him to pay into the house and own a share (which he could leave to his DC as well as cash inheritance). I don’t have DC

The point is although we both benefit financially, I could do this without him (and did until last year!)he could not live as comfortably without my contribution - he was working to pay rent and has since decided he can retire…

I think this is a very wise way of thinking.

Most people occasionally lose their temper and sometimes even raise their voice. Did he say sorry, and acknowledge it was bad at all?

@socialbatteryisdead: exactly this. I don’t like being shouted at (nor did I like his strop when he moved in). I’m wondering if it’s the start of more - and if so I will end things

Likewise, no one is perfect, & he is clearly feeling something (worry for the future/resentment at me being in my own home/something else I have no clue about - who knows!). I need to talk to him, find out, & set some boundaries

Re stress: he may be a bit stressed, I’ve had to look for jobs before and done so

I want him to not shout/be unpleasant (& in return I think it’s fair I don’t disturb him unnecessarily- even though he is doing a hobby not working)

Likewise, I expect financial fairness- I’ve taken the pressure off him when I could so he could very well do the same … I need to talk to him about this & see how he responds

Ask yourself exactly why you think marrying this man,or any man, is necessary?

In your financial situation, you need to protect yourself by not giving any man the legal right to half of everything you own. Is he even contributing to your household income,is he paying his way? Or is he just sitting in your house day after day freeloading ?

No independent woman needs a man. We definitely do not need to marry a man. You can end a relationship for any reason you choose.

You also don't need to shout for a man to deal with anything. You would have dealt with a possible rodent yourself when you lived alone. So why the automatic dependency on a man now?

Many women in your position have and are decentering men, not marrying them. I am a 6B movement woman myself, 56, never married by choice, child free by choice ,single by choice for over 30 years, as I happily,quietly decentred men at age 25.

You have absolutely nothing to gain from marrying,and a lot to lose....but he has a lot to gain. I hope you can see & reject any Disney fairy tale social conditioning about marriage, that women still seem willing to believe ,in 2026.

Good luck. Protect yourself ,and your peace.

@Ilovelurchers: no, I haven’t seen him since around 11 this morning

I’m doing an online course today so he will be able to hear that. I’m waiting to see if he says anything later (I’m usually the one to apologise if we ever have any disagreements… I don’t think I will do that today and I’m going to wait to see how he responds)

I suppose he could be stressed, poor lamb.

He has moved into your home, with expectations of being housed very very cheaply, whilst you the higher earner pay 1500, to his 600...., and is used to having the house to himself, now that he is largely retiring.

He doesn't want his comfy routine interrupted by you being home, and horrors of horrors no longer earning well.

You are his comfy landing after renting for years.
His mask is slipping.
Highly likely he will be stressed by anything that negatively impacts the comforts HE expects from you, his workhorse/nurse with a purse.

Sounds like your relationship is superficially good but not strong enough to withstand real stresses.

You are not on the same page about finances which is always difficult to manage in a relationship.

Any reason why you couldn’t delay the wedding for 6 months just to be sure?

Oh dear. That does sound off putting. Too busy with his hobby? Feet well and truly under your table while he is essentially retired? Not surprised you are now questioning the status of the relationship. Be careful.

If I were you id tell this man that h needs to put his money where his shouting mouth is before you marry. His shouting and moods mean he isn't the right person for you. He can shout and be moody with a landlord and fuck off.