AIBU to think I'm not a terrible person for leaving my terminally ill partner?

[Averyverybadperson]

I've been in a relationship with a serial cheater for several years. Now, I've said it. I've never been particularly attractive to men, objectively speaking, and I've always struggled to find relationships, so I tend to cling to the few I've managed to have, even when I know really shouldn't. I know, very healthy.

I was the breadwinner in this relationship. I brought in roughly 5x and he has three children to pay maintenance for, so I covered pretty much all our living expenses.

In the last few weeks, two things happened in quick succession.

I discovered yet another affair. I've honestly lost count, but I think this was number six or seven. The other woman, or rather girl, as she's only 19, sent me photos and screenshots I desperately wish I could unsee. He'd told her he loved her and wanted to marry her immediately.

What made this one spectacularly bad for some reason was the financial on top of the physical and emotional cheating. It turned out he'd been paying her rent while I was paying all our expenses as he said he has some debts to pay off.

Then, within 2 weeks, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's a condition that will probably leave him severely disabled within a year and is likely to end his life within five. He is likely to have very significant care needs very soon.

I finally found it in myself to end the relationship and have given him until the new year to move out.

He's made a couple of social media posts about his diagnosis, ("sharing awareness" style) mentioning that I've ended the relationship but that he doesn't blame me, as he's about to become a "liability" and can't work anymore. He also made a point of saying that he'll be homeless from the New Year because I've asked him to move out.

I'm now the awful woman who abandoned a man as soon as he became seriously ill, leaving him with no place to live and no financial support.

To everyone else, he's this charming, kind, jovial man. And yes he genuinely can be all those things. But there's another side to him that they haven't had to live with.

Some of the things people have said to me have been absolutely vicious. I've never felt so hurt or so alone in my life.

I don't even know what my AIBU.

AIBU to think that ending a relationship after years of repeated infidelity doesn't suddenly make me a bad person just because he has become seriously ill at the same time?

I think now is time for radical honesty! I would not be keeping a dignified silence if I was you.

And no you're not being awful leaving him - you just should have done it sooner.

Under his post you reply with, well your paying rent for your new girlfriend that you said you want to marry why are you not embrasing your last few months of freedom to be with the love of your life?

"I discovered yet another affair. I've honestly lost count, but I think this was number six or seven. The other woman, or rather girl, as she's only 19, sent me photos and screenshots I desperately wish I could unsee. He'd told her he loved her and wanted to marry her immediately."

You didn't leave him because he's terminally ill.
You left him because he's an asshole.
No need to analyse your actions any further!

Kick him out now or you never will. Dragging out over Christmas is silly. If you’re done, be done immediately. Stop being patient with him and get him gone. Then yes of course cry to the biggest gossip. But get him out

Absolutely 💯 % DO THIS!!!

Don't be fooled by his gushing praise of you now he needs a Nurse With A Purse

Walk away from this prick. He deserves all the misery heading his way.

Maybe the 19 year old Will be his carer.

@Averyverybadperson you are focusing on things that do not matter. it does not matter if you were married, engaged or just in a relationship.
It does matter than you bankrolled him, he lied to you, he cheated on you and now he is playing the victim on social media but dressing it up in a manipulative way.
Believe me - if you let him he will.
A few PPs have hit the nail on the head regarding what you should reply to his post.
It does not matter that you are not active on social media, set the record straight or his version will be the narrative. HE is in the wrong, so I am a bit baffled to why you are dithering and overthinking to this extent.
In the kindest possible way op - please do not be a doormat.

Yanbu.

And yes, tell enough people to make sure your side of the story . I wouldn't normally say that, normally I advocate quiet dignity, but in this instance I think it's totally reasonable to put your side across

When people say vicious things to you, be honest. Tell them about the affairs, financial abuse etc. Just the outlines will suffice.
Answer one of his sm posts with one of your own, calmly, honestly and briefly. Stay on the high road. That should do it. Karma is a bitch, and he just found out.
Good luck, and enjoy your new life x

I wonder how many of " his mates " know about his affairs but kept it from you ?

Why are you being so passive?

You don’t have to share screenshots! Just a dignified “I would like to clarify that our relationship ended due to John’s frequent and ongoing infidelities, not his recent diagnosis. I hoped deeply that things could have been different, and I hope you can understand that this is also a very difficult and traumatic time for me.”

Otherwise yes, you probably will lose all your friends. Take some ownership woman!

I can see you suffer from low esteem, but I think you need to take a deep breath and stand up for yourself.
His SM message wasn't complimentary, it was carefully written to shame you into letting him stay, and continuing your financial & doemstic support. Honestly, how dare he cheat you like this and then try to look like the victim?
Set the record straight! "The relationship has ended because of your affair with a 19 year old."
And the New Year is way too far off - he's paying rent on a flat - give him 2 weeks notice.
Don't do yourself down - attractiveness isn't everything! You have value as a human being and you don't deserve to be manipulated and cheated like this.
Find your strength. And you don't need a man at all - your value in this world goes far further than your attractiveness to men..

his posts aren’t complimentary to you. They use nice words to make him appear gracious busy using his spin to throw you to the wolves. If it’s your house I’d tell him to take the posts down or he needs to leave by the end of the month. He doesn’t get to mudsling and stay in your home.

Id also share with one or two people about the affairs and let them set the record straight or share the messages under his posts and just cover up the dick picks and anything explicit

You aren't being unreasonable and time to fight fire with fire while he tries to control the narrative. Any public take down of you, a reply with screenshot of other woman's messaging. "I wish you didn't have this illness, and I wish I didn't have to do this, but you're writing falsehoods very publicly about me. Before you were diagnosed you'd had multiple affairs and this last one was the final straw due to the financial burden it had on me, paying all our bills while you gave this one rent money. I only wish you well but I made the choice to leave before your diagnosis, so stop telling lies about me"

Yes! Do this! You owe him nothing.

How have the vicious things been said? Were they in the SM post or in person?

If on SM it could have been because they felt an obligation to support him following his one sided account.

If his friends / your mutual friends have known him a long while I can’t see that there is any possibility that they are unaware of his affairs.

If he cheated 6-7 times in your 3.5 years relationship he must have done so before. It seems very unlikely he became a serial philanderer in his mid 50’s.

If he is an outwardly charming person his behaviour is likely to be tolerated, if not actually accepted within his friendship group.

I agree with others that you should correct his account. The more subtle approach with choosing to confide in one or two others would be the most dignified way.

My late husband had a similar friend. I refused to spend much time with him as although he was outwardly charming and the life and soul of the party, I didn’t like him.

When he and his wife of many years separated she really only retained her own, old friendships. His friends were either embarrassed to know what she had just started to discover, or they just didn’t care.

Be prepared for his old friends to take his side after knowing you for only 3.5 years, but at least put them straight.

"We were together for about 3.5 years"
WHAT?????? hes had at least 6 affairs in 3years?

Seven affairs in 3.5 years! Bloody hell. Thank goodness you aren't married. You can chuck him out and (I am not a lawyer but I hope this is right) he won't have any legal claim on a penny of your money. Please tell us his name is not on the deeds or tenancy.

Perfect response

he is a prick regardless of how ill he is

Reply to his SM posts with screenshots of the photos she sent, and a lengthy explanation of the real reason you asked him to leave - and that finding out about this, his seventh affair during your relationship, plus the fact that he was paying her living expenses while you were supporting his supposed ‘debt’ commitments, was the final straw.

The diagnosis is irrelevant - I’m sorry he’s facing this but it doesn’t make him any less of a scumbag for what he’s done. You’ve done the right thing for yourself - be grateful you found out about the affair otherwise the chances are you would have ended up running yourself ragged nursing a man who brings nothing to your life and has no respect for you.

I think maybe you need some time to yourself, and maybe invest in a bit of therapy to try to understand why you need to hang on to men who treat you badly, and why you undervalue your own worth. You deserve better. Oh, and you owe him nothing, so the next time someone rips into you for leaving him, stop protecting him and tell them exactly why you ended the relationship.

3.5 years ??? I honestly thought you were going say more like 20 given the nature of your comments - bin him and move on!! (And stop paying for his medical insurance too!) you owe him nothing.

It's unfortunate timing regarding his illness and splitting up. Of course he's going to make you the bad guy but just because that suits his narrative, doesn't make it actually true!
The fact that you split earlier this year -( did people know?) will strengthen your case of saying you split finally because you wouldn't put up with his cheating anymore.
Friends will believe who they want to believe but be honest about your split and let people decide for themselves.
You can be sympathetic about his illness and bad timing about splitting with him but his affairs are the reason not the illness.

This is why you need to go public. Why should you lose everything for his shit behaviour? I'd bet making a v very public post with screenshots explaining that you've ended it with a cheating shit who was financially abusing you and then paying rent for a young woman. It's irrelevant that he is ill as anyone behaving like that would be in the bin.

Absolutely 100% this.

There's no way I would continue to live with someone, who has treated me like this and is now acting like he has done nothing.
Let him be homeless.
He has treated you like rubbish.
Why can't you do your own post and reveal the truth.
If your DP can make up these lies, to get people to feel sorry for him and look like the good guy, then some other lucky woman can have him.
They will soon see his true colours.
Don't just sit back, reveal his true colours to all.

1. No, you're not unreasonable for leaving a serial cheater. The fact that he's terminally ill when you did is irrelevant, but also feels a bit like him finally facing the consequences of his actions. You can't expect a person to be loyal, stick by you and look after you during your terminal illness when you have mistreated, deceived and disrespected them, lied, cheated and taken money from them while spending on others for years.
2. Why do you care what other people think and say? They aren't the ones who had to endure this man, house him, spend money on him and put up with his behaviour. These people also don't pay your bills, so...I don't see why you should let yourselves get bothered by them.
3. If you want, or makes you feel better, you can make a Facebook post of your own where you, once and for all, tell your social circle exactly who this man is, what he's done to you for years, and that this is the last time you'll ever talk about this matter, or allow people to make you out to be the bad guy. And then be serious about it: don't allow people to judge you about this matter.