AIBU to think I'm not a terrible person for leaving my terminally ill partner?

[Averyverybadperson]

I've been in a relationship with a serial cheater for several years. Now, I've said it. I've never been particularly attractive to men, objectively speaking, and I've always struggled to find relationships, so I tend to cling to the few I've managed to have, even when I know really shouldn't. I know, very healthy.

I was the breadwinner in this relationship. I brought in roughly 5x and he has three children to pay maintenance for, so I covered pretty much all our living expenses.

In the last few weeks, two things happened in quick succession.

I discovered yet another affair. I've honestly lost count, but I think this was number six or seven. The other woman, or rather girl, as she's only 19, sent me photos and screenshots I desperately wish I could unsee. He'd told her he loved her and wanted to marry her immediately.

What made this one spectacularly bad for some reason was the financial on top of the physical and emotional cheating. It turned out he'd been paying her rent while I was paying all our expenses as he said he has some debts to pay off.

Then, within 2 weeks, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's a condition that will probably leave him severely disabled within a year and is likely to end his life within five. He is likely to have very significant care needs very soon.

I finally found it in myself to end the relationship and have given him until the new year to move out.

He's made a couple of social media posts about his diagnosis, ("sharing awareness" style) mentioning that I've ended the relationship but that he doesn't blame me, as he's about to become a "liability" and can't work anymore. He also made a point of saying that he'll be homeless from the New Year because I've asked him to move out.

I'm now the awful woman who abandoned a man as soon as he became seriously ill, leaving him with no place to live and no financial support.

To everyone else, he's this charming, kind, jovial man. And yes he genuinely can be all those things. But there's another side to him that they haven't had to live with.

Some of the things people have said to me have been absolutely vicious. I've never felt so hurt or so alone in my life.

I don't even know what my AIBU.

AIBU to think that ending a relationship after years of repeated infidelity doesn't suddenly make me a bad person just because he has become seriously ill at the same time?

I would reply to his posts and tell everyone your side of the story I would be matter of fact and to the point. . In person I would be telling him to stop. He is trying to play the victim yes it’s awful he is ill but it isn’t your fault he can’t be faithful. Also you don’t have to live with him if he is going to keep trying to throw you under the bus.

Deleted as thread moved on whilst typing.

OP plewse do allow the true reason you left him to be known to friends. Don’t let him co tell the narrative.

You are going to be in the midst of an awful maelstrom of conflicting emotions and pain right now, but I do think your future self will thank you if you can manage to send a factual message directly to your mutual friends. These are the people you want to know the truth, not randoms on social media. There are some very good suggestions upthread, and I would send the same message to all. I would definitely mention that he can move into the flat he has been paying the rent for though, as while the whole situation will be sympathy invoking, the 'homeless' narrative will be hitting hard I think.

“It has come to my attention that wanker husband is feeling sorry for himself because he’s dying and soon to be out on his arse. Just to make it clear I have not ended my marriage because he is dying I have ended my marriage because he’s onto his 7th affair and is a financial leech to my life while he pays his mistresses rent” post the screen shots of any messages you have. Across all platforms OP don’t let this wanker make you the villain and he’s not homeless he’s paying his tarts rent he can go live there I’m sure she’d love to care for him!

You don't need to put screenshots online to set the record straight. Just a line saying, it wasn't the illness, it was the multiple infidelities that made you end the relationship should do it. From then on maintain a dignified silence.

I have a FB account but haven’t posted for years. I don’t believe in sharing dirty washing but, hell, I’d make an exception here!
“Dave, whilst I’m sorry you have health issues it doesn’t change the fact you have cheated on me X times that I know of, the most recent being with a girl young enough to be your daughter. I’ve had enough, and should have kicked you out years ago. I’m letting you (Stupidly IMO!) stay till January so you have chance to sort your living arrangements” and then no further comments. You need to let your friend group know why, although i suspect they already have a good idea. Good luck.

I would simply tell anyone who asks 'You play, you pay"

It would do no such thing. People aren’t idiots. If you want to salvage your friendships, you have the means to do so - it doesn’t have to be via social media, you can share stuff with individuals privately. You are choosing not to, but to just bemoan your fate instead. Your passivity is an active choice, interestingly enough.

You’ve been similarly passive for years, allowing this man to basically shit on you. Aren’t you tired of being so passive? You have agency, life doesn’t have to be something that happens to you.

I was in a similar situation, I found that our true friends had pretty much worked it out and bless them never judged either of us. Our other friends that only became mine through marriage obviously took his side as like you I'm a private person and I had my kids to think about.
I don't think you should rule out having your say on SM. but I would keep it simple and state something like,
Despite the narrative that exdp would like you all to believe, I left him because I wasn't happy paying the rent for his current (No. 7) 19yr old side piece who probably won't want to marry him now.
Walk away head held high op.

This, post this in response to his woe is me bullshit on social media, word for word.

Find your anger and stop being a martyr. Tell the gossip and post non revealing screenshots that prove his infidelity. You have to take control of this. Kick the fucker out asap and let the world know what he is really like.

He's made his bed and it sounds as though he's had plenty of chances. You are not obligated to make yourself a martyr.

This, tbh

What, so OP should write an undignified, embittered post that almost confirms she's not a great human?

No. I don't think so.

I wouldn’t post my dirty laundry on social media but I’m not going to let anyone make me out to be a dick on it either, grow a back bone and stick up for yourself and stop letting him walk all over you.

its taken you to finally realise after all his affairs that you deserve better!

The message he posted about ' not blaming you as he will become a liability' is part of his ongoing abuse and control of you. He is trying to punish you by turning all your friends against you and making you an outcast who feels shame.

You are entitled to assert you own boundaries by standing up for yourself and calmly telling the truth that you left him as he serially cheated on you, and his seventh affair with a 19 year old was the final straw. You can also mention his financial abuse in getting you to pay for everything whilst he had enough funds to pay for his 19 year old affair partner's rent.

The times in my life I failed to speak up for myself by telling the truth. I have always regretted. They let other people's view of me be permanently negative to cover for someone else's failing.

"I ended it not only because I've found out about the newest of seven affairs (this time a young woman of only 19), but also because you've been paying her rent whilst I've been busting my ass off to pay for you whilst you "paid off your debts". Paying your mistress's rent is not a debt, it's a choice, one that has ruined me."

I'd comment something like that.

Good for you for breaking up with him! He's a real POS.

How long have you been together? Quite some time I presume if you’ve lost count of his affairs. Sounds like this latest in a long line is the final straw and I doubt you’d find anybody on here disagreeing with the decision to kick him out as a result of it. Staying with him because you’re concerned about what others think is the worst thing you could do - tell your friends the truth and move on with your life.

It wasn't a marriage. We were in a relationship for three and a half years.

In the nicest possible way I want to shake you and then give you a hug.

This is martyrish nonsense! Honestly OP no one wants to be friends with a people pleasing doormat, who hides their true personality and defers to someone else's truth.

Fucking get your story out there.

Don't put it on SM if that's not your style, but bloody write a message and send it to all those mutual friends. Do it. Stand up for yourself!!!!

You owe it to yourself to reply his post and set the record straight.

Just add a short, sharp, factual post to his pityfest...

"He has promised to marry a 19 year old woman, whilst paying her rent for some time"

"He will not be homeless, he will not be alone."

If I am the best woman in the world, why did you feel the need to cheat on me with Jennifer, Alison, Philippa too? You are right though, I do deserve to be treated better than you have for years.

Or perhaps more dignified to simply state that you would be happy to present your own version of your relationship ending but that his medical condition had no bearing on it.

Just because you were seen in public together after you knew, does not mean you cannot be honest about when you became aware. Plenty of people do not end relationships on the day they discover infidelity. Nor even after the first occasion. Sometimes it is a straw that broke the camel's back - in this case someone young enough to be his daughter, not just an affair but utterly predatory.

' not blaming you as he will become a liability'

But he's already a liability as you have been keeping him & his current GF!

We were together for about 3.5 years, although we moved in together fairly early on.