AIBU to think I'm not a terrible person for leaving my terminally ill partner?

[Averyverybadperson]

I've been in a relationship with a serial cheater for several years. Now, I've said it. I've never been particularly attractive to men, objectively speaking, and I've always struggled to find relationships, so I tend to cling to the few I've managed to have, even when I know really shouldn't. I know, very healthy.

I was the breadwinner in this relationship. I brought in roughly 5x and he has three children to pay maintenance for, so I covered pretty much all our living expenses.

In the last few weeks, two things happened in quick succession.

I discovered yet another affair. I've honestly lost count, but I think this was number six or seven. The other woman, or rather girl, as she's only 19, sent me photos and screenshots I desperately wish I could unsee. He'd told her he loved her and wanted to marry her immediately.

What made this one spectacularly bad for some reason was the financial on top of the physical and emotional cheating. It turned out he'd been paying her rent while I was paying all our expenses as he said he has some debts to pay off.

Then, within 2 weeks, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's a condition that will probably leave him severely disabled within a year and is likely to end his life within five. He is likely to have very significant care needs very soon.

I finally found it in myself to end the relationship and have given him until the new year to move out.

He's made a couple of social media posts about his diagnosis, ("sharing awareness" style) mentioning that I've ended the relationship but that he doesn't blame me, as he's about to become a "liability" and can't work anymore. He also made a point of saying that he'll be homeless from the New Year because I've asked him to move out.

I'm now the awful woman who abandoned a man as soon as he became seriously ill, leaving him with no place to live and no financial support.

To everyone else, he's this charming, kind, jovial man. And yes he genuinely can be all those things. But there's another side to him that they haven't had to live with.

Some of the things people have said to me have been absolutely vicious. I've never felt so hurt or so alone in my life.

I don't even know what my AIBU.

AIBU to think that ending a relationship after years of repeated infidelity doesn't suddenly make me a bad person just because he has become seriously ill at the same time?

Well number 1 I’d be replying and posting the screen shots publicly about his Infidelity
and number 2 I’d be doing some serious self reflection that you decided to be a doormat and put up with this behaviour for several years. You have enabled him and now wish to play the victim.

And he's had 6 or 7 affairs in that time. That's one every 6 months! Just tell the gossipy friend and don't even bother asking her to keep it secret.

Just post “Sending you and your new girlfriend strength to get through this together.” Done!

Well if you don't tell your side of the story then of course you will be seen as a terrible person. What would you expect people to think? This (seemingly) lovely man gets a terrible diagnosis and his partner, with whom he (seemingly) had a good relationship immediately kicks him out!

You either get the truth out there or you accept being seen as the baddie.

I'm quite introverted and hate confrontation but I still don't understand people who help hide the bad behaviour of others. Please just be honest and don't shelter him. You see the manipulation so just respond to it to inform others in the various suggestions people have made. If people know about the affairs and him paying a 19 year old they'll understand what kind of person he is.

He has deliberately written something that is impossible for you to respond with "well, actually.." to. He is absolutely on the offensive here.

You should tell everyone in that circle who matters to you the truth.

I'd probably reply publicly with something tame, but mentioning the relationship was on a borrowed time already (and probably deploy the biggest gossip machine trick at the same time).

Something like

I'm a private person and didn't want to solve this in public, but EX decided to share a very specific slice of the reality, giving me no choice.
Our relationship wasn't an easy one in those 3 or so years we've spent together. We actually broke up in Janury 2026 and agreed to give it a last try after the couples therapy which followed.
Unfortunately, the main source of our issues (repeated infidelity) happened again this autumn, this time with extra bells and whistles (physical, emotional and financial at the same time).

I realise that the timing is awful and wish the EX the best. At the same time, our relationship was already on a borrowed time and it wasn't my choice to break the conditions.

If you’ve only been together 3.5 years, he's already been caught out 7 times and you have a long-standing mutual friendship group through a hobby, trust me, your friends already know why you kicked him out and they do not buy his shit.

There's no way they are blind to it, they know what he's like, they will act surprised to save face when you tell them but they know and they are delighted for you. Have no fear of telling them, they've been rooting for you.

Stop paying his medical insurance today.
Tell him to pack his bags NOW, or pack them for him.
Book him one night (tonight) in a travelodge.
Kick the fucker out today.

Change the locks and don't look back.

Don't waste one more thought on the cheating prick - he can move in with the 19yo like the cocklodger he is.

This is perfect.

Stop being a martyr, you are being your own worst enemy by not sticking up for yourself.

I think if friends take his side then they were never really your friends as well.

Wow, I thought you were going to say you had been together a lot longer if he's had 7 affairs!! I personally wouldn’t reply to his social media posts, he could delete your comments anyway. But I would be telling mutual friends why you are splitting up and especially like the idea of telling the biggest gossip who can tell people on your behalf.

The fact he is ill is irrelevant, he was telling you what you want to hear as he probably couldn’t believe his luck that he had someone who basically forgave him time and time again while also bankrolling him!

His illness is not your problem and if the roles were reversed do you think he would be tending to your every need and caring for you or leaving you home alone whilst he was out with the 19 year old?

100% get this out to your circle.
Tell the gossip, show her EVERYTHING.
Cry your bloody eyes out.

But get that fxxker out.
And get some therapy for yourself and stay the hell away from men.

His complimentary post is pure manipulative bullshit.

He would have been long gone after the first one lol. Tell him he’s got his 19 year old floozey one of many so doesn’t need you anymore.

You aren’t being unreasonable for ending it due to his shitty behaviour, but why did you wait until he was diagnosed with a terminal illness to end it when he has been cheating on you for years and you have let him get away with it? Also if he is saying he is going to marry this 19 year old and you have proof of the cheating, then actually he has dumped you, so tell people he has broken up with you, not the other way around.

Reply to the post with the screenshot.

I agree with this from the perspective of being the friend. We've had numerous mutual friends split up over the time we've been together and when we are truly mutual friends, both parties are welcome to our home unless we know there has been abuse. They know we will listen and advise or commiserate, but we won't take sides. We will facilitate peace if we can eg: neutral place for handing over kids.

Sometimes, one party has felt that we as a couple have taken sides but every time that has happened, it has been because we never had an independent friendship with that person. They never came round alone. We never went out with them individually. Never texted them personally or vice versa. So in most cases, to start doing that because they broke up with our actual friend would be weird.

You're already the bad guy in the eyes of those who fell for his lies. Taking him back won't change that. Hold your head up high and tell those you trust what really happened.

and swearing her to absolute secrecy

Don't be silly. Tell her it's no secret, let her tell everyone.

Stop being so meek, it's ridiculous.

Absolutely you can respond. Fuck him.
’these are all pretty meaningless compliments given you were telling your 19yo affair partner repeatedly how you wanted to marry her. I’d rather someone who didn’t publicly gush about me but also didn’t cheat multiple times on me and wasn’t being fully funded by me while they paid another woman’s (girl’s? What do you call 19?) rent.

As others have said, you do need to stop being a doormat. You've let this cocklodger fleece you emotionally and financially for 3 and a half years while shagging other women. By any measure, he's taken the absolute piss. Now you're being insanely passive and letting people abuse you for leaving this pisstaking relationship. No! Come on woman, grow a pair and stand up for yourself!

Just post the screenshot of him saying he's going to marry this other woman and say 'This is why we've split up, in case anyone was wondering.'

Go with the idea of crying on the shoulder of the biggest gossip. 7 affairs in 3.5 years is nothing short of a scandal, what a total shit he is.

Him paying her rent needs to get out there, also your medical insurance being used. Can you keep him on your policy if he pays towards it?

If you don't have one already, I'd start by finding yourself an individual therapist and working on the underlying issues around your lack of self esteem. Otherwise, I'm afraid you'll leave this abusive cocklodger and find another quickly attached.

Assuming the OP is paying to have him on her health insurance, I don’t see why she would continue with this either!

I’d reply to his post and say sadly finding out about affair number X is the reason, not the illness! …also point out that him not working anymore is irrelevant to you as the family breadwinner.
Then block.