AIBU to think I'm not a terrible person for leaving my terminally ill partner?

[Averyverybadperson]

I've been in a relationship with a serial cheater for several years. Now, I've said it. I've never been particularly attractive to men, objectively speaking, and I've always struggled to find relationships, so I tend to cling to the few I've managed to have, even when I know really shouldn't. I know, very healthy.

I was the breadwinner in this relationship. I brought in roughly 5x and he has three children to pay maintenance for, so I covered pretty much all our living expenses.

In the last few weeks, two things happened in quick succession.

I discovered yet another affair. I've honestly lost count, but I think this was number six or seven. The other woman, or rather girl, as she's only 19, sent me photos and screenshots I desperately wish I could unsee. He'd told her he loved her and wanted to marry her immediately.

What made this one spectacularly bad for some reason was the financial on top of the physical and emotional cheating. It turned out he'd been paying her rent while I was paying all our expenses as he said he has some debts to pay off.

Then, within 2 weeks, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's a condition that will probably leave him severely disabled within a year and is likely to end his life within five. He is likely to have very significant care needs very soon.

I finally found it in myself to end the relationship and have given him until the new year to move out.

He's made a couple of social media posts about his diagnosis, ("sharing awareness" style) mentioning that I've ended the relationship but that he doesn't blame me, as he's about to become a "liability" and can't work anymore. He also made a point of saying that he'll be homeless from the New Year because I've asked him to move out.

I'm now the awful woman who abandoned a man as soon as he became seriously ill, leaving him with no place to live and no financial support.

To everyone else, he's this charming, kind, jovial man. And yes he genuinely can be all those things. But there's another side to him that they haven't had to live with.

Some of the things people have said to me have been absolutely vicious. I've never felt so hurt or so alone in my life.

I don't even know what my AIBU.

AIBU to think that ending a relationship after years of repeated infidelity doesn't suddenly make me a bad person just because he has become seriously ill at the same time?

@Averyverybadperson Don't post on sm but show all your friends the screenshots. And ltb!

Hi op
tell your friends the truth and his friends and family can believe anything, he’s a liar so it’s not surprising he needs someone to believe his sob story for his own survival. I’m surprised he didn’t move in with the teenager before he told her!

You could write under his status what actually happened, but tbh I’d just leave it, unless you live in a small village or something his circle are nothing to do with you now

Stop being a martyr. If you have mutual friends you can just send them screenshots of the messages.

She's getting her rent paid (or was).

If she thinks they're going to marry, how long have they been "together" and how old was she when this started? 🤮

I wouldn't post it on social media but I would make sure people know the real reason you've asked him to leave. You absolutely have nothing to be either ashamed or embarrassed about. None of this is on you.

Being seriously ill doesn’t suddenly invalidate his appalling behaviour.

And now he is behaving appallingly again by trying to make it look like you are abandoning him due to his diagnosis. Very I unfair.

YANBU.

Do you think you feel guilty because you are not asking him to leave because of the affairs but because of his diagnosis?

Seriously?
Given her lack of self confidence she was probanly getting enough out of the relationship in terms of companionship or something, to continue despite his behavior.
With the onset of illness and her most likely becoming a carer and probably taking on the financial burden, that balance shifts, to the point where the bargain is no longer worth it for her.
It not "convenient". Its fact.
And well done her.

This is nonsense. Part of the narrative of 'not worth it' you've been telling yourself.

"Thank you Nigel for the kind words. I am very sad you have contracted this cruel disease, however it was the repeated affairs, betrayals and financial abuse that caused me to end the relationship. Being sent graphic photographs of you with a teenager was the proof i needed to finally realise you did not have my best interests at heart. I wish you well in your awareness raising of this horrible illness, but please be assured that it is not the reason I ended things."

You could "save" your reputation with a couple of comments to a friend naking it clear that they are not sworn to secrecy, or commenting on a post.

It doesnt have to include screenshots, either? That's a bit much. Just a simple short two sentence explannation pointing out the multiple affairs and the end of your tether.

You could do this, but you dont want to. So yes, people will probably think the worst of you. Your choice...

Fuck all this “dignity” and “being the bigger person.”
Speak your truth. You don’t have to share screenshots, just that he is a serial cheater (and not worth your time and care).
Its called “standing up for yourself”.
It doesn’t have a to be a rant. Just one brief, factual post.

He is not being complimentary to you at all, he is manipulative and controlling the narrative

You don't have to share all the messages just the one where he has asked the 19 year old to marry him.

These new details do make it more difficult for you, but you've now got to choose which is more important to you; your "extremely private persona" or your entire circle of friends.

Keeping all his dirty secrets would eat me up and I imagine it it would you too.

Sacrifice some of that "privacy" for your recovery and future good mental health.

Speak to a few people you connect with best and let the truth trickle out. It will.

Omg.
I am getting increasingly frustrated thinking about this. People will treat you the way you think you deserve. So stand the fuck up for yourself. Give yourself the love and respect he hasn't.

given everything this will hit you financially very hard I would guess

i would be furious that he has posted his diagnosis and your relationship failing and therefore linking the two and I would post back

”just to be clear we are splitting because he had already promised to marry someone else with whom he has been conducting an affair.”

In would think but not say “ so I am releasing him to spend his final years with the one he loves”

I honestly have no idea. She was definitely already an adult when it started.

Hard as it is, only way to deal with a smear campaign, is to not get dragged in, the people that know you, know you

Don't embarrass yourself airing it out on sm
Look atvwhst jefferron Fisher sats about dealing with smear campaign truth outs in the end

Goodluck

OP, whether you’re leaving home because of the affairs or because you have realised you don’t want to care for him after how he’s treated you is irrelevant. Neither makes you a bad person.

Please tell one or two friends the truth though, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Kick him out!
Let his 19 year old lover be his carer. She won't hang around for long, then he'll be alone. Then he can reap whst he's sown...

I rather like the idea of going to the biggest gossip in our friendship circle and crying my heart out to her and swearing her to absolute secrecy. Which, of course, would probably be the most effective way of ensuring that everyone knows by the end of the week.

Thanks to all who suggested this - great idea and i didnt think about it myself.

You’re absolutely doing the right thing by leaving him. Don’t burden yourself with this selfish prick any longer. But of course people are going to think that way if they have no idea of the reasons you’re leaving him. A factual to the point answer is all that is needed.

What a difficult situation OP, but you're absolutely right.

I don't think it's unreasonable to separate from someone who has betrayed your trust, takes advantage of you financially, and plenty of other reasons you've touched upon.

I understand from your posts that you're a very private person with low self esteem but sadly, unless you want everyone to just take his word for it I would say you do need to find a way to make sure your friends and families know the whole story.

You can do this in a classy and mature way rather than a tit for tat approach. It could be one very clear and well written social media post and/or email and/or whatsapp post to everyone which includes the evidence you've mentioned. This can keep things very clean and allow you to move on. You've written very well in your posts so I fully believe in you having the skills and emotional intelligence to write something perfect. We'd be happy to proof it, or better still get some support from a close friend or family member.

I've known people do similar things in awful situations to cut any gossip, speculation, or misunderstandings e.g. a divorce involving an affair, a court case, a seriously ill child.

Having a life limiting condition doesn't make him a saint, he's still a shitty man. It's sad that he's unwell and will die soon but he's also a horrible human - both of those things are true at the same time.

No it wouldnt. If you post what he has done with evidence then his story is blown out of the water along with the sympathy and the animosoty towards you.

If you choose to cover for him and allow the version where you are abandoning a devoted sick man to become the accepted version, then thats on you.
You are choosing to let him do this. You are choosing martyrdom.

Why?