To refuse to cancel going out for Xmas dinner in these circumstances?

[NothingDefinite]

My family (mum and her partner, my sister and half sister and their families) are due to visit and stay with us for a few days over Xmas. We live about 150 miles from them so we alternate spending Christmas in the two places, although we always go out for Christmas dinner. My half sister doesn’t always join us but does sometimes and is this year.

We all agreed on the restaurant for Christmas Day a few months ago and I booked it. My half sister is now saying she can’t afford it and wants us to host Xmas dinner at home. We really don’t want to do that as we look forward to going out for it, not cooking and just relaxing.

I’ve suggested that she comes before or after Xmas for a day or two instead but she thinks that’s unfair and doesn’t see why we can’t just cook dinner at home. My mum is siding with her and it’s causing friction. Are we being unreasonable to not want to change our plans and not want to have to cook dinner ourselves when we were looking forward to going out?

Gosh, that's a tricky one. In one sense, Christmas is about family and being together - but equally, it's extremely bloody rude to ask you to cook for 15 people! And it would cost an absolute fortune too.

Is there anywhere cheaper you could go to as a compromise? Or would your sister consider doing the cooking, if you all chip in for the cost of the meal?

And I know lots of people who have take aways on Xmas Day. They are not fans of the traditional meal so the ones I know best have a big Indian takeaway banquet instead. Costs less and far far less work.

I agree with your decision to stick with eating out, especially since it's what you've been doing each year and you're going to be hosting them at other times over the holiday. But can you not do a couple of things that might mitigate the expense for your sister?

1. Since her share is going to cost something in the realm of £500 and there are 6 other adults going to be in attendance paying about the same for their own family's meals, if each couple gave a Christmas "gift" of £100 to your sister, she'd only have to pay £200.
2. Or ask her not to bring any gifts for anyone (although that might not offset her costs enough).
3. Is there another restaurant that you would be able to get a Christmas booking for that is cheaper?
4. Failing any of that, can you get a takeaway Christmas meal (or the equivalent bought in from a restaurant or high end supermarket)? That will save you at least the chore of cooking for everyone, although not cleaning up and all the faff around serving food in your home.

Could you all agree no presents this year? The meal together is instead of presents?

If she genuinely can't afford it, then I would just say she comes either Christmas eve or boxing day. I wouldn't pay for her family, she agreed to the price and deposit. Its a shame if she has had an unexpected cost but she won't be on her own, she'll be with her kids and partner.

Finances change don’t they? So I’m guessing she got caught up with the excitement and now reality hits home and it’s too much.

I think I’d just stay home but say everyone provides a dish.

Or if you’re my mum in 1979 after slightly overdoing it on the sherry while making the gravy, the spuds went in raw - not parboiled - after the turkey was cooked and removed from the oven, which was then inadvertently turned off !! Ah the good old days. And good old Harveys Bristol Cream !!

Yes, I was replying to @BeeDavis ’ comment about sprouts. As you say, spuds are shoved just as everyone is about to sit down to eat.

Trouble is, everyone would lose the deposit they have already paid, which is likely to be deducted off the bill

So not only do they not get the meal out, they have hassle of hosting and waste whatever has already been paid

Misread, sorry

Can they not have the meal paid as their gift ? Is their a wrath difference. I think I'd do it if I could afford it . Spirit of the season etc . Or she pay what she can and it's topped up x

I suggest that D Mother pays for it. I’d feel different if DSis would be on her own for Christmas and couldn’t afford it - I’d pay for her meal as her Christmas present. However , she’s with her whole family - so if she can’t afford it (which is fine) she won’t actually be on her own…
def unreasonable to suggest you should cook at home or pay for her entire family.

Personally, I would tell her you're sorry ahe can't join you for christmas dinner, but you would love to see them on boxing day or Christmas eve. We would never eat out for Christmas day, but equally, if my siblings chose to and I couldn't afford it, that's a me problem.

We have a large family, and have got around the hosting issue by everyone supplying part of the meal. So, someone supplies canapés (or starter), someone supplies a welcome drink, someone buys the meat (usually mum who is financially better off), someone brings the sides. Another brings pudding, someone cheese for the evening. Drinks - supply your own, hosting house provides some.

It genuinely makes life far easier ans cheaper. Plus we all help whomever is hosting to cook/serve/clean up.

Which is probably why she's struggling to afford it.

Edit: removed question that OP has already answered

Stick to your guns OP. She knew the price so it’s on her. I think it’s super cheeky for your mum to expect you to pay her share!!

next time it’s your turn get them all to stay in hotels like you have to.

I hope you get your lovely Christmas lunch.

She and her partner both have full time jobs. I really don’t see why they should have their meal paid for them anymore that me or my sister should. My sister saves up for it as she really enjoys it and expects to pay for herself. Do we all just get someone else to pay for us if we declare we can’t afford it?

I cannot believe the brass neck of your sister.

If she can't afford it, she doesn't come (and pays her deposit for lost place), like a grown up.

To insist you host and cook so it is free for her....is outrageous.

No you don't pay for her. Your mum can.

Or just go out with your sister snd celebrate with everyone else on Boxing Day.

Btw is she the golden child?

YEah I am getting "youngest child" vibes.

So half-dSis and DM think that not only should you accommodate them and cover all of the other meals throughout the stay, that you should now also forgo your deposits, pay for and cook a full traditional XMas roast for 15 no less? It'd be a "see you next year perhaps" from me.

Ask you mum if she will be staying in a hotel like you have to.

Of course, I've just twigged. OP did say mum and partner after all. Mum's got to keep the partner happy too.

Better still... ask Mum if she's paying for the hotel next year!

Is your sister single? How many of the 15 are kids?

If you all make a joint contribution towards their meal as a present, does it make any real difference? Presumably you're buying them presents anyway? This way you don't have to buy the present as the contribution towards their meal is the present.

Has this entitled twat ever hosted you, OP?