To refuse to cancel going out for Xmas dinner in these circumstances?

[NothingDefinite]

My family (mum and her partner, my sister and half sister and their families) are due to visit and stay with us for a few days over Xmas. We live about 150 miles from them so we alternate spending Christmas in the two places, although we always go out for Christmas dinner. My half sister doesn’t always join us but does sometimes and is this year.

We all agreed on the restaurant for Christmas Day a few months ago and I booked it. My half sister is now saying she can’t afford it and wants us to host Xmas dinner at home. We really don’t want to do that as we look forward to going out for it, not cooking and just relaxing.

I’ve suggested that she comes before or after Xmas for a day or two instead but she thinks that’s unfair and doesn’t see why we can’t just cook dinner at home. My mum is siding with her and it’s causing friction. Are we being unreasonable to not want to change our plans and not want to have to cook dinner ourselves when we were looking forward to going out?

You're not unreasonable. She knew the cost and still has time now to cut back.

The sister and her family’s meals will be £450 at least.

OP m is expected to fund half at least.

Do you spend that much on your sister? Because I don’t!

Carry on with your Christmas plans and go to that restaurant! Let whoever doesn't want to go to the restaurant come up with a plan that involves them making their own food! They don't want to go but want YOU TO COOK. The cheek! Don't pay for them either.

Nope. They can come on boxing day or your mum can pay for them if she wants to. Stand firm!

Has she ever been weird about Christmas lunch out before? (Appreciate she doesn't always join you.)

You always go out, wherever you stay. And pay for yourselves. Why is she kicking off this time?

Why not have Christmas dinner at home? Everyone brings a dish so that no-one has to cook the lot. Dreadful that your DS can't afford an expensive meal and so on the occasion she can join everyone she is told she can't - that is being very unreasonable and I am with your DM, on this. Honestly, if you must go out then the easiest thing to do is to split the food bill between all of you so that your DS is covered. of course. (And no-one ever mentions that this was done, not ever.)
But I hate the idea of going out to Christmas dinner - ugh. Lovely to be at home, smell of good cooking, everyone slightly merry and passing round chocs and gossip, presents and wrappings everywhere as we all thank each other for presents we really didn't think of wanting but now find adorable. Beats a restaurant hands down.

What does ‘our year’ mean?

Is your Mum’s partner her dad?

I am still reeling that all of those people stay in your house! How many people is that?

As for the dinner, go out as planned. Inform "the family" that you spend a great deal while they are here and do not wish to have to cook on Christmas Day. Remind them of you and yours staying at a hotel when you go there.

Maybe they should stay at a hotel? Then they can eat where they wish on Christmas, just not at your house.

I don't, but if they divide it among the people attending, assuming sister can stump up half, it won't be that much each.

I would be asking them to pay the deposits you've possibly paid in case more pull out in support of the half sister who's had a year to save for it and deposits are forfeited.

But as OP said - why should they? Everyone here works - everyone saves up. This has been the status quo for years. Why is it different for the half-sister now?

As lots have already said, the obvious answer is for everyone to chip in and pay for her. Definitely don't be bullied into cooking if that's not the tradition. That way the expense all gets lumped onto you, the effort to cook, the stress of hosting, and the effort to clean up and put away.

Wow. that's an expensive lunch. That's a huge amount to be paying for the group meal - you could do it at home even with 'cook' type meals/ ordered in / M and S posh additions - for so much cheaper/

Personally if I felt my sibling was going to be stressed or struggle to spend 300 quid on a meal for family I would just say okay lets find an easier way to have it at home.

I cannot imagine paying that for basically a roast dinner.

I find these mumsnet threads where people get into huge rows with their family so strange. In normal life I feel people genuinely tend to want to work things out with family!#

I would nevr fall out with a sibling over something like that - we would just work out a comprimse.

Is it really worth falling out over - it's obviously a very expensive meal and for the sake of one meal and everyone chipping in why not do it at home.

The whole point of christmas is family spending time together. It's not about posh meals or 'putting your foot down'

I really hate seeing people whip strangers up against family members.

YOur sister and the time you are all spending together is what matters. Surely there is a comprimise here.

@NothingDefinite tell her you'll do it at home.

Food and wine £3000
Other costs £XXX
6 hours of you prepping and cooking @£200/hour

So that will be £150 per person.

YANBU OP, but you also say that you’ve got no idea about their finances. With the cost of living being so painful right now, they might be struggling even though you say they both work FT, especially as they have children.

If you like going out, I wouldn’t consider hosting at home.

However, for me, Christmas is about being with family and if they’re genuinely struggling for £££ I’d want to help them if I could. I don’t think you should have to shoulder the whole cost yourself - but if you’re in a good financial position you could split some of the cost with your mum, and your sister can pay what’s affordable. Give her the money as your Christmas gift to her family.

Of course you shouldn’t feel obliged to. You’re not wrong to say “tough luck” but if that were my sibling, I’d want to help if I was able to - assuming that it’s definitely a case of her not being able to afford to pay, and not just her wanting to save money?

what’s your relationship with her like usually?

Well it seems the OP is the one always asked to compromise (changing agreed plans, staying in hotels etc) and also lose her deposit!!

I suspect the OP and her sister have reacted this way to her mum and half sister because this is a pattern of behaviour

I agree if the sister accepted that as her and her family’s Christmas present from everyone then it could be workable.

But OP’s mum seems adamant that OP pays half of it.

I’m guessing the sister would moan if she didn’t have things to open on Christmas Day though.

OPS Mum wants OP to pay all of it

It’s not just her, it’s her entire family as I understand it?

They are taking a major piss. Your mum thinks you should pay for all of them? Tell them all to stay home.

Can you tell them they can bring food and cook at yours ? And you’ll go out for a walk while they get on with it

I wouldn’t pay that for a dinner but I wouldn’t have agreed to it and I’m happy in the kitchen anyway

We don’t spend enough on gifts that it would cover their meal if we said no gifts this year.

We want to have a meal in a restaurant so that doesn’t work.