To refuse to cancel going out for Xmas dinner in these circumstances?

[NothingDefinite]

My family (mum and her partner, my sister and half sister and their families) are due to visit and stay with us for a few days over Xmas. We live about 150 miles from them so we alternate spending Christmas in the two places, although we always go out for Christmas dinner. My half sister doesn’t always join us but does sometimes and is this year.

We all agreed on the restaurant for Christmas Day a few months ago and I booked it. My half sister is now saying she can’t afford it and wants us to host Xmas dinner at home. We really don’t want to do that as we look forward to going out for it, not cooking and just relaxing.

I’ve suggested that she comes before or after Xmas for a day or two instead but she thinks that’s unfair and doesn’t see why we can’t just cook dinner at home. My mum is siding with her and it’s causing friction. Are we being unreasonable to not want to change our plans and not want to have to cook dinner ourselves when we were looking forward to going out?

If you said I really want to go out as I like meal in the restaurant. However, would you (whoever thinks plans should change) cook the food? My guess is they won’t want to do it. Probably they will suddenly say we can cover the restaurant or refuse. If they refuse you can say at least I tried to comprise.

“That doesn’t work for us” : repeat ad infinitum

@NothingDefinite ask them to pay for the two adults and you and your mum will pay for their kids meals between you on this occasion as money is tight.

Best ask your mum before offering though, you don’t want to be left for paying for all 3 kids.

Apologies in advance if my assumption is wrong, but from your first post, I got vibes that maybe you and your 'half' sister are not close, or there is tension in the relationship anyway....would you feel the same if it were your other sister?

Totally get not being willing to take on cooking Christmas dinner for 15, I wouldn't want that either. A possible idea, if you wanted some compromise, would be to have a scaled back Christmas day. Chilled out day at home with lots of picky bits or a big one pot meal, and then go out for a full Christmas dinner on boxing day, when it will most likely be at least 1/3 cheaper?

We tend to stay in a hotel for 3/4 nights and always eat in a restaurant on Xmas day so they don’t cook. We have breakfast and dinner, just us and our kids if they are with us. My mum, sister and half sister host a lunch each. My half sister doesn’t always join us for Christmas Day dinner as she sees other family and sometimes we don’t see her at all over the period when we visit.

Just tell them you’ll lose a hefty deposit if you cancel the restaurant now and you’re not prepared to do that.

So when it’s not the times when everyone stays with you they only share hosting meals anyway? I don’t think they are understanding the hassle and expense of hosting lots of people for a few days. What meals do you provide when you host? And beds for all?

I think I’d just say that you don’t feel able to contribute to their Christmas meals because having x amount of people and providing all food and drink for x amounts of days is already a considerable expense. Suggest that those that aren’t happy to continue with the plans can do their own Christmas dinner and come on Boxing Day for a night.

It seems very unreasonable for someone who (a) agreed to this and paid the deposit and (b) doesn’t always join the family for Christmases together to dictate what they think should be happening.

If their circumstances have changed and they can no longer afford it they can’t dictate that you either host and pay for everything, or they still go out but you pay for them!!

Cheeky Fuckers being extreme Cheeky Fuckers, and adding your mum into the mix (is half sis the Golden Child by any chance?!)

Totally unreasonable and even more so given that you've paid a deposit. Now is not the time to change the plan. Remind your mum that you host people at your home but pay for a hotel the other years, and that after the deposit is paid it's not possible to cancel without everyone losing that, so no, you won't be cancelling.

Is your half-sister usually such a cheeky fucker? Because, and I say this as someone who hosts Christmas for more people every year, she can fuck off to fuck off land and then fuck off from there. My parents and sister/DH don't have as much money as the rest of us but always, always bring something or offer to genuinely. I cannot imagine someone demanding to change long-standing plans or be given a freebie under pain of not coming. I wouldn't be changing anything and I certainly wouldn't be paying for her. Wouldn't have her stay either.

This is unbelievably cheeky and unfair to you but also incredibly selfish to behave this way to the restaurant. 15 is a big party and if you all cancelled then they might struggle to fill the spaces.
I would be trying to find out if your Mum and her partner have helped out financially in previous years.

I reckon the mum is hoping @NothingDefinite will cave and agree to have it at home, buy all the food, not just for Christmas Day but for the whole time family stay, and then cook the Christmas meals too.

Then the Mum, the sister and any others won't have to pay a penny for anything and can sit back and watch OP do all the work.

Who does she think will be paying for the hosting costs? Does she really expect you to go to the expense and hassle of planning, buying, cooking and hosting Christmas dinner ? Presumably she will be staying at yours at no expense for the rest of the time!

To be honest I think paying to go out on Christmas day is a mug's game, and I absolutely would not be paying £400-£500 PLUS drinks as a family of 5 for one poxy meal, that would only cost £150 on literally any other day.

Take affordability and what they agreed months ago out of the equation though, as she obviously can't justify spending that now, so it's fine that she has asked for it to be at home, it is fine that you have said no you're still going out.. it is unreasonable of them, or your cheeky mum, to say you should pay for them. They need to come up with a solution that is neither of those two things.

Why can't they just stay at your house while the people that want to go out for dinner, go out for dinner? You'll only be gone a couple of hours! Or compromise by changing it to boxing day instead and it will be half the price for everyone?

I actually think I would change the plans and do Christmas dinner at home. I’d hate to think I was putting a family member in an awkward situation by inflicting a meal on them that they can’t afford, or that they don’t get included because they’re short of cash. To me that’s not really the spirit of Christmas. I’d get everyone to share the workload and bring stuff.

Wow She really is cheeky. Stick to your guns. In your position if I reneged I would be v resentful over Xmas.

But they’re hosting maybe 11 people plus them. Presumably family coming on Christmas Eve. Christmas dinner for 15 plus food for 15 is a huge amount to fit in a fridge. It’s not just the cost, it’s the logistics. Do you think the family that never hosts Christmas themselves and already appear cheeky would actually make a meaningful contribution or do their fair share of work? I don’t.

Quoting myself as I meant to say

We have breakfast and dinner in the hotel, just us and our kids if they are with us

Just tell them to f*ck off then?

I don’t understand your quandary. Youbwant to go out for xmas dinner, then that’s what you’re doing, surely?

But she wouldnt be paying to just feed those 3 if she hosted at homeZ She would be paying to host 15 people. A home cooked Christmas feast for 15, including drinks could easily go over $420. Easil

The fact she paid the deposit and this is a once off says that she was 💯committed and her family has experienced unexpected change of circumstances.

I could not imagine kicking my sister further when she is down like that.

But your mums response is disappointing. I dont see what she cant/wont contribute and it all falls on you

Maybe the rest of the family can chip in and offer to pay half of her share, so she only pays half?
Otherwise, say you're sorry they won't be there and they'll be missed.

So you think op should pay for 15 people’s Xmas lunch as well as drinks etc amd slave away all day on top of all the food and drink amd everything else she’s paying for while they are staying with her?? Reminder that the half sister makes op and her family stay in a hotel over Xmas at ££££ and doesn’t host her at all!!!

Tell them to stay at home and keep your mum and step dad with them too!!!

you and your sister etc will all have a lovely time - if your mum comes then she’ll spend the entire day saying poor half sister etc and ruin the day!!

I’m with you OP, you issued the invitation including costs, it’s on them to either accept or decline NOT to re-jig the whole day to suit themselves, what a collossal cheek. Stick to your guns!