To think my friend is projecting?

[settlement1414]

I’ve been for lunch with a friend today and we were talking about Christmas plans. I told her I’m going abroad on Boxing Day for a few nights with a male friend. We have done this for a few years now. We sometimes go away during the year too. If it’s just the two of us we share a twin room. Sometimes another (female) friend comes and we get an Air B&B.

My friend was adamant that DP must be upset and jealous and not letting on. DP could not care less. She’s said similar in the past and I let it go but today it has really annoyed me for some reason. She might not like her DP doing that which is entirely reasonable, but my DP is not at all bothered.

She kept insisting that DP is putting some sort of brave face on to hide his distress. But he isn’t.

AIBU to think DP is fine with it and therefore no one else needs to worry about it?

Is the male friend gay?

I can see where your friend is coming from. It is a bit weird.
What is your DP doing on boxing day whilst you and your friend are sharing a room?

No. I do go away with a gay male friend sometimes and DP didn’t even realise he was gay for ages, despite numerous references to his boyfriend.

She has a point. It is unusual. If my husband was going away with a female friend once a year I’d be very suspicious.

Whatever he likes. Probably watching the football. We won’t be sitting in the room all Boxing Day. We only sleep there.

Well we don't know, do we? You say he's not bothered. Most DHs wouldn't like it, but yours trusts you (and him). You know him better than we do (or your friend does), therefore YANBU to get annoyed that your friend implies you're lying.

I would not let me husband do that and vice versa

It is a bit weird, tbh. Most people wouldn't like it.

My husband would be the same - he's very secure and not in the least bothered by my friendships with other guys. If we didn't have kids he'd relish the opportunity to play a video game all day, but given we do, I wouldn't leave the family over the Christmas holidays.

Your friend is projecting.

Sometimes twice! There is absolutely nothing whatsoever going on though. He trusts me and it doesn’t bother him. My friend and I like to go to places DP wouldn’t like to go.

He doesn’t ’let’ me do anything. I don’t ask his permission. If he came to me saying he felt uncomfortable about us sharing a room (another friend often comes now so we’re mostly in Air B&Bs anyway) then I’d either get an Air B&B or my own room, but he never has. It doesn’t bother him.

It’s an odd set-up but if it works for you all then no harm done. I wouldn’t be surprised though if your male friend had feelings for you.

Maybe most won’t, but I don’t think she’s reasonable to insist that that means that DP doesn’t like it.

If it’s as innocent as you say then why has it bothered you? Just smile politely and ignore.

My DH wouldnt have an issue with it either but I’m not so naive as to not think people will generally think it’s unusual.

Yeah, if I had children I wouldn’t leave them on Boxing Day, but we don’t have kids.

Are you not bothered that he’s not bothered?

We’ve been friends for 15 years and there has never been any flicker of attraction. Never any flirting or anything like that.

I’ve already said why it bothers me. You’re right though, you’ve got me. It’s not innocent and I’m just lying on an anonymous forum 🙄.

Yeah it’s kind of bizarre of her to insist that. If it turns out he is bothered he will speak up for himself. Tell her to butt out.

It’s perfectly okay to not want that within your own relationship but don’t impose your boundaries/rules on anyone else.

No, absolutely not. I have no interest whatsoever in a jealous man. His complete lack of jealousy is something I love about him.

I’ve asked him if he’s bothered and he’s not.

It’s like she doesn’t believe me/him. Like a scepticism he’s telling the truth. It really irritates me.

I don't really understand what she could possible be projecting on here. It is weird, I think most of society can agree on that - is she odd for picking up on that? The only strange thing here is how defensive you clearly are about it

I don’t think it’s weird to go on holiday with longstanding friends.

You ate coming off quite defensive about it. She doesn’t believe your partner is okay with it- so what? Most partners wouldn’t be, and you must be aware of that. Just ignore her, it’s none of her business.

Yeah that is annoying.

She’s allowed to form her own opinion, but my thing is - why does she feel the need to share that with you repeatedly? 😂

I’d say “okay you’re entitled to your opinion, but you’ve said your peace now , let’s move on” don’t engage with her on it!