To think my friend is projecting?

[settlement1414]

I’ve been for lunch with a friend today and we were talking about Christmas plans. I told her I’m going abroad on Boxing Day for a few nights with a male friend. We have done this for a few years now. We sometimes go away during the year too. If it’s just the two of us we share a twin room. Sometimes another (female) friend comes and we get an Air B&B.

My friend was adamant that DP must be upset and jealous and not letting on. DP could not care less. She’s said similar in the past and I let it go but today it has really annoyed me for some reason. She might not like her DP doing that which is entirely reasonable, but my DP is not at all bothered.

She kept insisting that DP is putting some sort of brave face on to hide his distress. But he isn’t.

AIBU to think DP is fine with it and therefore no one else needs to worry about it?

Yes exactly this! A refusal to believe that what I’m saying is true. It’s like she wants DP to be unhappy about it.

Worry annoy dont see the difference but anyway dont see why it would annoy you,you know she is wrong to tell her to stop going on about it and move on. If it didn't worry you wouldn't have bothered creating a thread on it

I go away with a couple of different male friends a fair bit, though I refuse to share rooms. One of them snores like a camel. DH isn’t remotely perturbed. He occasionally flies to meet an old female friend if she’s in Europe. Neither of us are shagging anyone other than each other.

I have told her this 1000 times.

While I have male friends, I wouldn't go away with them round Christmas (or anyone but my family), and pretty much everyone I know tends to go with partners if they have them, not friends, so your friend isn't wrong to say it's unusual. But if you and your partner genuinely want this, it's up to you.

It's between you and your partner, I agree. However, I'd also think it was weird and wonder if your partner is actually happy with the situation, but ultimately, it's none of my business. It's also none of your friend's business, so I'd tell her as much and ask her to move on to something else, as this is getting boring.

I wouldn’t go if I didn’t genuinely want to. I don’t live with DP and we don’t have kids so Christmas Day is for the family. There’s not much going on between Boxing Day and NYE.

If he wasn’t happy then he would tell me and I would book an Air B&B every time.

I have a good male friend who comes and stays with me a few times a year. DP has a good female friend he sometimes goes on holiday with.

No issues at all. We trust each other.

YANBU, OP. If you’re ok and your DP is ok, your friend needs to butt out.

I’m pleased there are more of us able to control ourselves around our friends

Oh god, this is annoying! Its not like its a massive effort or faff or costs money to start a thread. The pp above who said it's annoying when people can't believe anyone's feelings or situation is different to their own experience is spot on and what the op is cross about. Nothing at all to do with her friend and dh.

Despite numerous references to a boyfriend, your partner had no idea he was gay?? Really? He sounds rather….dim.

I think if it works for you fine. Some friends can only relate to people similar to themselves though. She may be small minded occasionally.

Someth jumped out at me- you can say you wouldn’t not let my husband do anything but even voicing a concern can be construed as not letting someone, have you honestly never said ‘I’m not sure that’s a great idea?’

On whether I’d mind/ do it I personally wouldn’t love it because I’d hate a woman being away with dh and them sharing moments that are different in principle to those you’d share with someone you couldn’t be with without being gay but yes your friend is projecting but I think a lot of us would!

There are lots of people who simply don’t believe it’s possible for two straight people of the opposite sex to be genuinely good friends with no complications.

Like you, I disagree. But I think most women maybe just don’t happen to have that quality of friendship with a male friend. Which is sad - but also a function of the patriarchy in that it sets up men only in sexual contrast to women (either you are an object of their desire or nothing to them - no other option)

That’s a bit of drip feed. From your earlier posts, I assumed you spent Christmas Day with dp (and lived with him) and then went on holiday on Boxing Day, but you don’t spend anytime with him over Christmas until New Year’s Eve.

Yeah I agree with this. It doesn’t matter whether people on this thread would be ok with it, OP isn’t insisting everyone should do it. But her friend is being weird to try and insist that OP’s DH must secretly hate it.

I have a male best friend, known him longer than I’ve known DH. DH has no issue with our friendship. I’ve not shared a room with him but did go by myself to stay with him for a few days when he was living abroad. Our friendship has always been totally platonic, including for years when we were both single - if either of us had been interested in the other, there was ample opportunity to make that known!

I referred to them as Michael and Steve. He thought Steve was just another friend.

Not sure why you’re being so rude. It’s completely unnecessary.

No, I honestly don’t think I have. He’s never really done anything or wanted to do anything that I think is a bad idea. Voicing a concern isn’t not letting someone do something though. I want to go to Israel (with said friend, as it happens) and DP has voiced concern over whether it is safe at the moment, but that is all it is - concern and a conversation. Not any sort of suggestion that he can not let me go or that he would want to stop me going.

Surely if your DH went away with male friends or a lesbian woman or a mix of men and women they’d still share moments you’re not involved in? I don’t see how it’s different really, but absolutely each to their own.

No, I honestly don’t think I have. He’s never really done anything or wanted to do anything that I think is a bad idea. Voicing a concern isn’t not letting someone do something though. I want to go to Israel (with said friend, as it happens) and DP has voiced concern over whether it is safe at the moment, but that is all it is - concern and a conversation. Not any sort of suggestion that he can not let me go or that he would want to stop me going.

Surely if your DH went away with male friends or a lesbian woman or a mix of men and women they’d still share moments you’re not involved in? I don’t see how it’s different really, but absolutely each to their own.

Yes, it probably is this. DP has straight women as friends too and has done for years.

Yes, it probably is this. DP has straight women as friends too and has done for years.

That is not a drip feed at all. It’s just an assumption you made. I never gave any indication that that’s what we do.

We normally spend the night before and the morning of Christmas Eve together and then see our families on Christmas Day. We both have young nephews we like to see.

Same here! We were both single for years but never interested in each other. I used to think it was a bit of a shame that there was no attraction.

Honestly I’d be slightly concerned if he genuinely doesn’t care. I’d worry he’s emotionally checked out