To think my friend is projecting?

[settlement1414]

I’ve been for lunch with a friend today and we were talking about Christmas plans. I told her I’m going abroad on Boxing Day for a few nights with a male friend. We have done this for a few years now. We sometimes go away during the year too. If it’s just the two of us we share a twin room. Sometimes another (female) friend comes and we get an Air B&B.

My friend was adamant that DP must be upset and jealous and not letting on. DP could not care less. She’s said similar in the past and I let it go but today it has really annoyed me for some reason. She might not like her DP doing that which is entirely reasonable, but my DP is not at all bothered.

She kept insisting that DP is putting some sort of brave face on to hide his distress. But he isn’t.

AIBU to think DP is fine with it and therefore no one else needs to worry about it?

You’d be concerned that your husband was jealous and didn’t trust you?

That is something I am very happy that my DP is not. It is the opposite of a concern.

Of course she's projecting.

She thinks she wouldn't be ok with that situation and can't imagine that your partner is.

It's the very definition of projecting.

So what?

All you've done in starting the thread is found yourself justifying it to a load of strangers which is just a waste of your time if neither you nor your partner have a problem.

How long have you been with your partner, if it's 10+ years I can see why he isn't bothered. Equally, are you both middle aged as middle aged men don't have the same feelings about this kind of stuff?

Boxing day is the weird bit about this to me.

This is a chat forum.

Tbh I’d only do this with a guy if it was one of my brothers or the guy was gay. And while my husband is fine with me having male friends I think he’d only be happy me sharing a room with them in the same circumstances.

Which is fine for you, but it doesn’t bother my DP, so I’m not sure why my friend keeps insisting that it must.

I think she's projecting yes, and it's none of her concern

But what are you hoping to get from it?

If it's just to have a bit of a WTF moment at and moan about your friend then fair enough! 🤷🏻‍♀️

There just seem to be a lot of threads around at the moment where people are questioning/doubting their own very reasonable personal decisions because someone else has challenged it. And I just don't get that!

If its something that works for your relationship and you are both happy with, I can't see what the problem is.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

You said numerous references to his boyfriend!! If he was only mentioned as XX without saying specifically hexes a boyfriend, then he possibly wouldn’t know (maybe) but, yes, he doesn’t sound particularly bright that he couldn’t make an educated guess!!

Of course YANBU but as you can see there are a lot of suspicious people on MN who don’t believe men and women can be friends. I’m another one here who can control myself around the opposite sex (I’m bi, so it’s actually twice the effort for me). I think some people also equate jealousy and possessiveness to manliness, like staking a claim on “their woman” which really is the absolute antithesis of the kind of man I’d like to date.

Just to buck the curve, I don't think it's weird. One of my closest friends is a straight man (in fact he introduced my husband and I) and I know my husband wouldn't bat an eyelid if I went on a holiday with him. He might not be that impressed at it being over the xmas period mind!

It's fantastic that you've a good trusting relationship :-)

It wouldn't bother me really with OH either. If he's going to cheat, he will cheat and having two hotel rooms rather than one won't make any difference to that!

But on Boxing Day ?

Yes but over Christmas period? When you have a DH at home?

It is very unusual OP. However, if your DH isn’t remotely bothered then I believe you.

That doesn’t stop it from being a situation most people would find remarkable.

My DH wouldn’t care about this. He’s very introverted and would hate to do some things I enjoy doing with friends. DH loves having the house to himself for a few days! Some people might find it odd, but sounds like you and DH are aligned, so no issues.

I don't think your friend is 'projecting' as such, though. I think she's just articulating what most people would probably think in this situation.

However, if it works for you and your partner, great! It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Everyone's different and nobody here can possibly know what your partner does/doesn't think about it - you know your relationship better than anyone else does.

If you know it's all fine and your partner's happy with it and it causes no issues for you to go away on Boxing Day and share a twin room with a male friend, I'm not sure why you'd need to ask for Mumsnet's opinion, though? Are you now actually questioning it yourself?

Honestly, I wouldn't share a room with a male friend - or go on a minibreak without my DP on Boxing Day. But that doesn't mean it's not perfectly OK for you to do that.

One thing I've learnt from Mumsnet is that a lot of people are completely, often furiously, incapable of grasping that not all men are the same, not all women are the same, not all relationships are the same, and what would bother them doesn't necessarily bother everyone else. I've been told on Mumsnet that I'm 'just trying to be cool wife' or 'being a pick-me' merely because my partner and I both have friends of the opposite sex, or because I wouldn't give a shit if my partner followed loads of half-naked women on Instagram. Just crack on and ignore your friend; it's none of her business.

I find it really depressing that so many posters are saying your set up is weird. Why is it weird? Is it really beyond the realms of possibility that a man and woman can be close friends without sex being involved?

Yeah I get what you meant - I was saying she’s allowed to hold the opinion that DP secretly agrees with her.

What it’s not okay is for her to keep telling you that’s the case.

FWIW I don’t know any of you of course - but I think it’s perfectly believable that your partner would be okay with the situation you describe!

Not quite the same scenario, but I have a very close friend who is a guy. His wife genuinely likes me and is not threatened by our friendship.If someone told me they think she doesn’t like me and doesn’t trust me etc, I’d tell them to wind it in.

If they said it repeatedly I’d reconsider the friendship. Your friend has over stepped for sure.

It’s not her DH. They are not married and don’t live together.

The lack of jealously signals a general apathetic lack of interest imo. Most people would be jealous and put out by their OH regularly sharing a bedroom with a heterosexual of the opposite sex. I have gone away with my gay best friend numerous times and shared a twin but we’ve been best friends for over 20 years and he’s 100% gay.

There is not enough alcohol in the world for something to happen.

For goodness sake, it’s a chat forum. I don’t need to get anything from it.

I suppose he just doesn’t put too much thought into my friends’ sexualities. You are very rude.

So you think ‘interested’ behaviour involves men shouting ‘Keep off my bird!’ while bursting through hotel room doors, do you? Or checking that their wife has booked a single room? Or, of course, Not Allowing Her To Go Away With A Man, because that’s some other bloke pissing on his territory?

Dear me, how some people live.