To think my friend is projecting?

[settlement1414]

I’ve been for lunch with a friend today and we were talking about Christmas plans. I told her I’m going abroad on Boxing Day for a few nights with a male friend. We have done this for a few years now. We sometimes go away during the year too. If it’s just the two of us we share a twin room. Sometimes another (female) friend comes and we get an Air B&B.

My friend was adamant that DP must be upset and jealous and not letting on. DP could not care less. She’s said similar in the past and I let it go but today it has really annoyed me for some reason. She might not like her DP doing that which is entirely reasonable, but my DP is not at all bothered.

She kept insisting that DP is putting some sort of brave face on to hide his distress. But he isn’t.

AIBU to think DP is fine with it and therefore no one else needs to worry about it?

If DP wanted to go away over Christmas he could say so but he doesn’t want to.

Yes. I like getting away from Christmas. DP doesn’t want to go away then (I assume, or he’d have said so).

He doesn’t just sit at home pining. He has plans with his friends, wants to watch the sport etc.

I’m not asking what my DP thinks. Just about my friend being irritating.

Yes your friend is projecting. But in fairness she's projecting the views the majority would hold rather than some niche thing of her own.
However, she asked and you answered, despite it being none of her business, so should absolutely accept your answer and leave the subject alone.
I wonder if she herself suspects you and is digging using your partner as the excuse?

Well i suppose different ppl celebrate xmas in different ways, yes

I think it is worrying that people are conflating jealousy with how much a man cares about a woman.

Surely nobody here is actually going with pretending it's not strange and unusual behaviour. It simply is.

I mean, it's the very definition of weird, which means strange and unusual.

And the "but going on holidays with friends isn't unusual surely" faux naivety actually works against the point you're trying to make - because you know very well that "going on holidays with friends of the opposite sex, staying in the same room and leaving my husband behind for Boxing Day is normal, surely everyone does this" would sound ridiculous, and you know it.

Everyone knows that staying in a hotel room with a friend of the opposite sex - assuming you're into men - is viewed very differently to same sex friends doing the same thing. It's not important whether that bothers you or not, it's just true.

And leaving your husband at home on Boxing Day is also very unusual behaviour.

So anyway, these are just facts. It is, indeed unusual behaviour.

But if it works for you, whatever, who cares? I certainly don't, and I doubt many strangers would particularly care either.

But I do wonder if your friend is a lot closer to your husband than you realise. Perhaps they've chatted about this and he's disclosed feelings to her that he feels he can't tell you, since you've made up your mind it's all good. Maybe she feels sorry for him and she's just trying to give you a heads up.

I can't think why else she'd bother talking about it tbh, or be so certain of his feelings.

Nah I don’t think so. If I was cheating I’d tell her.

He’s not my husband.

I think my friend has met my partner twice. They’re not having cozy chats about me.

So she has a higher level of trust in you than she thinks your partner should? That doesn't make sense. If she knows you're not, why is she struggling to believe your partner doesn't also know you're not? Id ask her that.

Well, no. Jealousy is, actually extremely normal and not weird at all. The vast, vast majority of people in sexual relationships do feel jealousy and it is exceptionally unusual to feel none - which is why some are wondering if your husband just doesn't actually have strong feelings for you at all.

Obviously, excessive jealousy can be problematic. But no, it's not unusual, it's a standard and very normal human trait - that's simply a fact. Obviously, we're not just apes and we can certainly control our emotions and do not have to give in to damaging impulses, but no it's definitely not strange to feel jealous in a romantic relationship.

But it is, in fact, very strange not to. You are conflating feeling jealousy with acting on it. Nearly everyone does, in fact, feel it in circumstances such as the one you are describing. But of course that doesn't mean we have to do anything concerning because of it.

There are good evolutionary reasons for why most humans in monogamous relationships feel jealousy, it's a well studied field.

https://scienceinsights.org/why-does-jealousy-exist-evolution-and-psychology/

"Jealousy exists because it solved a critical survival problem: keeping relationships and resources from being taken by someone else. It evolved as an emotional alarm system that detects threats to valued bonds, whether romantic partnerships, parental attention, or social standing. Far from being a flaw in human psychology, jealousy is one of the oldest and most deeply wired emotions, appearing in infants as young as six months old and sharing biological roots with other social species"

https://scienceinsights.org/why-does-jealousy-exist-evolution-and-psychology/

"No doubt, jealousy is shaped in part by learning and culture. But did culture really create jealousy out of nothing? Could we really just as easily learn to be overjoyed about our partners cheating on us as to have our hearts torn in two? And are there really cultures where people are indifferent to their partner's "extracurricular" sexual activities? According to evolutionary psychologists, the answer to all these questions is no. Jealousy is part of our nature, found in people all over the world. Claims to the contrary, argue the evolutionary psychologists, tend to crumble on closer inspection...

So, no, it's simply not true that someone pointing out that a total and complete lack of jealousy might signal apathy or indifference is "worrying" - it's just an observation based on the majority of relationships.

Unless, of course, you consider the great majority of all hetero relationships worrying.

I don't have a problem with male-female relationships. But every close male friend I've had has eventually confessed their love for me, so based on those experiences, I wouldn't be that comfortable with this.

You do you though. If it's a very long friendship, it seems unlikely he's secretly harbouring feelings for you

The thing is I would like to think that a spouse/partner believes their oh to be an attractive catch. Even if the partner is absolutely faithful, do they not suspect that their friendly roommate might be eyeing them appreciatively?

I have male friends that are not dh. I go for walks/activity with them, but sharing a room? Dh is not the most passionate of men, but I think he thinks me enough of a siren to be a bit put out if I were cosied up in my pjs next to Brian in his boxers.

Ok then, if you say so. In that case I can't imagine why she's troubled by it.

Maybe she finds you annoying because you tend to think you're superior and special?

Hard to say.

Yeah, I agree with this. I've studied human relationships and jealousy (as long as not obsessive or acted upon) is very normal and signals a strong attachment. Lack of jealousy usually signals lack of attachment in the research.

I'd be bothered if my DP wasn't the slightest bit jealous by me going on holiday and sharing a room with a male friend - but relationships are all different and the OP seems happy with her partner being relaxed about it. So it works for them

Yep, I had a few male friends when I was younger. Turned out that every last one of them wanted to shag me 😂 Eh, well, you live and learn.

I know! It happened so repeatedly it was ridiculous.

I have several brothers so I make friends with men easily. As I've gotten older I've had to put in boundaries because a close male friend has never ended well for me

Absolutely, it works for them, and I have no problem with that. Jealousy, like all normal traits, is on a spectrum, so maybe he's just at the farthest end of that spectrum - highly unusual but certainly not impossible.

According to those who've studied jealousy it "evolved as the motivational engine behind “mate guarding,” the set of behaviors that keep a partner close and rivals at a distance. It gets triggered by perceived threats of infidelity and drives responses ranging from increased vigilance to direct confrontation with competitors."

It evolved, quite naturally, because "For most of human history, losing a mate or a share of parental resources could mean the difference between your genes surviving or disappearing"

I just took exception to the OP trying to paint such a standard, average human reponse as jealousy as unusual or "worrying" when, in fact, it's quite the opposite.

You can't tell younger women though. And honestly, I was just as daft back then and would have sworn blind and upside down we had a genuine friendship and they didn't feel like that at all. Oh well, it all comes out in the wash 😄

You are right. If your husband doesnt care then that is the end of it. Nobody else needs to worry on his behalf and it matters not one jot how they would feel in that situation.

She is digging after goss and clearly there is not any. If she asks the question again, just say something like “pretty sure you asked already, answer is still yes”

It’s because she wouldn’t like it so cannot accept that he is fine with it.

I have never felt jealous of my DP. If he was flirting with other women, chatting them up, kissing them, having sex with them, then yes I’d be jealous. But jealous of platonic friendships? No.

But maybe he does feel jealous but understands that it’s not reasonable to act on it. That’ll do for me.

Yeah, he’s definitely not.