Unsupportive mother-in-law

[Strudel1984]

I struggle with my MIL in many different ways, but since having children I am finding the relationship impossible. She and FIL live about 2 hours away and since having children 4 years ago, they’ve visited us maybe 6 times. But of those 6 times, they never actually come and stay in our city - they hate cities, traffic and all things urban, so they rent somewhere for the weekend in the countryside. Fine, each to their own! But then they insist on us travelling to them for “day trips” which is occasionally an administrative nightmare and takes a great deal of effort on our part. We have to pack the car up with two kids, a dog, double pram so our youngest can at least nap on the go, kid friendly food (they have no idea how to cater for food), travel potty, toys to entertain in a non child friendly house. Then the rental house is usually a hazard for kids as they didn’t rent it with kids in mind - no stair gates, steep steps etc. I think my frustration stems from when I had my 1st and they came to “see the baby”, but made us travel 45 minutes out of city to their rental - at 5 days post partum and with stitches galore - so they could meet baby. When they don’t come to “visit” us, we go back and forth between our two sets of parents on a monthly basis so our kids can see their grandparents. I am getting so frustrated with this arrangement and honestly, a little bit sad. My husband and I have created a beautiful home for our family and would love to host them for a lunch, cuppa, picnic in the garden to show them how we live our lives as a family. Any idea how to raise this and insist that if they come to “visit” us, they actually make the effort of coming all the way to us so we can relax in the comfort of our own home? I should add, we live in a suburb of a city so a driveway to park on, quiet family friendly road, two spare bedrooms for them to stay in (with en suite for privacy) and a huge garden - it’s not like we live in a 30 storey block of flats in a really urban area. They are the same age as my parents, who come and stay ALL of the time. Thank you for getting this far!

You need to tell them that the day trips don’t work as they aren’t child friendly so they will need to be shelved until the youngest is at school.

Tell them that the road goes both ways.

Surely they can cope with coming to your house for an afternoon? Are they very elderly?

I wouldn't do the monthly visits, maybe drop down to every 2-3 months. I wouldn't travel to their rental houses either on the few occasions they travel slightly closer to where you live. If you constantly do everything on their terms then they will expect that.

They also have to want a relationship with their grandchildren for that relationship to grow and it doesn't sound like they do, so I would stop putting in so much effort.

I would say the same if it was your own parents.

Just say no!

Why MIL only in title when the post is about both PIL?

Can I ask why you are blaming MIL only?

Does your DH like your parents staying all the time?

Many posters would prefer relatives staying elsewhere rather than in their home. How easy a drive is it to your house, are they confident drivers?

I think stop catering to them and their demands. Then they will have to do what you are having to do. It shouldn't be one sided even if they came to you some of the times they visit would be a good start. Explain it as you have here, coming from a loving place of genuinely wanting to host them and hopefully they'll see your perspective too.

Yanbu re the effort. They should come to you.

I do wonder why a 4yo needs a buggy.

It sounds as thought they are late 50s to 60s. Are they both still at work?

We're in that age group & do this to our parents (in their late 80s). We like staying somewhere else as then it becomes a break for us, rather than tip toeing around someone's else's house and wondering if you're annoying them, waking people up, getting in the way etc.

Have you actually invited them for lunch or tea? What do they say? Perhaps they both read MN and see all the comments about ILs (never parents) being difficult to have stay or entertain.

You lost me at only blaming the female, when it seems there is both a female AND a male involved in this. But, yes, that’s quite poor of your father in law. Your husband has surely raised this with them? No? Your job is it? As a woman.

You keep saying they ‘make’ you do things., and they ‘insist’. Bluntly, no one has you at gunpoint. Nobody ‘made’ you travel 45 minutes 5 days post-partum. That was a choice. Ask yourself why you made it and why you keep making it when it’s causing this level of resentment.

And yes, why is only MIL at fault?

Just say no and if they won’t compromise on any level don’t see them - their loss.

@Strudel1984 also what is your definition of kid friendly food. At 4 DS would eat what we ate within reason. We would visit my parents on a Sunday and he would eat the roast like everyone else

You're not being unreasonable OP. Cut the visits down and explain that if they want to see you as frequently they'll need to visit you at home.

Just say no. I can’t believe you went 5 days pp. Stop people pleasing and do what YOU want to do.

No, mid 60s (younger than my late 60s parents) - I would totally understand perhaps in their late 70s / 80s!

So just stop why do women keep on doing this insistent control thing, they don't want to visit fine get on with it

We live in Bristol and they live off the M4 near London - I referenced the MIL here as the FIL would love to come to us and is also “people pleasing” his own wife. He sometimes say, we can come to you today and then a private conversation happens and then the plan reverts to going to theirs

I would put a stop to visiting them at their holiday lets and explain it in similar terms to those they use to excuse not going to your home. And follow up with what a shame it is that they are going to be missing out on so much.

What does your DH say?

Good question! Another bug bear of mine… my daughter is dairy free and they don’t seem to understand that as a concept. They’ve got their head around not drinking cows milk, but they made something with a cheese sauce and said ‘but it’s baked in, that doesn’t count’…I was like, uhhh, she can’t have dairy in any form. And then last night she cooked a fairly spicey curry that my daughter actually ate, but my eldest wouldn’t

He didn’t start walking until over 2 years old - he’s got global development disorder. This was my first time posting on here and I really value all of the opinions, but judging things like food intake and pram use when there are reasons I didn’t have to share in the original post is really tiring. I struggle with the fact he still needs a pram (he turned 4 last week so is only just 4), but he can’t walk more than 10 minutes at a time without needing support.

Just say “no, that won’t work for us, you are always welcome in our home”? If they refuse then that’s on them. And why on earth were you travelling to them 5 days postpartum? You and your husband should have very firmly said absolutely no way to that! Stop being such drips and stand up for yourselves. And your title is a bit unfair btw as it’s both the in-laws being awkward and selfish not just your MIL.

I would use the well-worn Mumsnet phrase ‘that doesn’t work for us’ when they ask you to visit their rental property. Over and over.

i can understand them wanting to stay elsewhere but that doesn’t preclude them coming to you for the day, or whatever. Transporting everyone to them is nuts. Use your words!

You seem a bit overwhelmed by the "administration" of organising two children to go somewhere for the day. I don't know if you're struggling generally?.
It's too much for you, so don't do it. It's really for your DH to sort out though, they're his parents.