Unsupportive mother-in-law

[Strudel1984]

I struggle with my MIL in many different ways, but since having children I am finding the relationship impossible. She and FIL live about 2 hours away and since having children 4 years ago, they’ve visited us maybe 6 times. But of those 6 times, they never actually come and stay in our city - they hate cities, traffic and all things urban, so they rent somewhere for the weekend in the countryside. Fine, each to their own! But then they insist on us travelling to them for “day trips” which is occasionally an administrative nightmare and takes a great deal of effort on our part. We have to pack the car up with two kids, a dog, double pram so our youngest can at least nap on the go, kid friendly food (they have no idea how to cater for food), travel potty, toys to entertain in a non child friendly house. Then the rental house is usually a hazard for kids as they didn’t rent it with kids in mind - no stair gates, steep steps etc. I think my frustration stems from when I had my 1st and they came to “see the baby”, but made us travel 45 minutes out of city to their rental - at 5 days post partum and with stitches galore - so they could meet baby. When they don’t come to “visit” us, we go back and forth between our two sets of parents on a monthly basis so our kids can see their grandparents. I am getting so frustrated with this arrangement and honestly, a little bit sad. My husband and I have created a beautiful home for our family and would love to host them for a lunch, cuppa, picnic in the garden to show them how we live our lives as a family. Any idea how to raise this and insist that if they come to “visit” us, they actually make the effort of coming all the way to us so we can relax in the comfort of our own home? I should add, we live in a suburb of a city so a driveway to park on, quiet family friendly road, two spare bedrooms for them to stay in (with en suite for privacy) and a huge garden - it’s not like we live in a 30 storey block of flats in a really urban area. They are the same age as my parents, who come and stay ALL of the time. Thank you for getting this far!

Cross posted with this I think. This is the sort of detail probably needed in the OP.

Details like that are useful because it explains why you're finding taking a 4yo and baby out so exhausting. It's extra work to standard 4yo and baby because of the GDD and dairy allergy.

MIL is unreasonable, say no from now on.

Yes, definitely the mil issue, talk to your husband about it.

Organising two children to go out for the day to somewhere I don't want to go with people I don't really want to see feels like a much bigger burden than sorting a day out that I will enjoy.

You're right, that's the issue. She doesn't want to do it, so it becomes a big deal.
However, I wondered if she was struggling a bit generally

I don’t really see how they “make” you go there. Just say no, it’s too difficult and too much faff, and invite them to yours.

DS was dairy free when a baby (luckily grew out of it by the time he was 2). My MIL did struggle with that concept so we would bring food with us for him (and we also did when visiting my parents just to make things simpler for them and so I didn’t need to worry just in case mistakes were made). Him growing out of the allergy did make life easier when visiting relatives I will admit

Is there anyway a compromise could be made? They stay in the Airbnb but then visit you from there? Time for FIL and DH to have word with MIL, if it is her calling the shots

I don’t like staying at other people’s houses so I could see us staying nearby to adult DC if they move away, but would then see them in their home if more convenient (but sleep elsewhere)

I am generally fine, just standard medley of keeping a household running, emotional toll of having a son who has additional needs and having to advocate for him, a young toddler with a dairy allergy and a busy corporate job. DL does 50/50 with me on everything so is incredibly supportive, but clearly has grown up not being able to say ‘no’ to his parents and prefers to take the easy road of complying and getting on with it.

The early years are full on without additional needs, you've got a lot on your plate. This is a very frustrating situation, and as I said, your DH needs to be very clear about expectations.
You're not going there. That's the situation.
To add; he needs to start challenging this and saying no - for the sake of you and your DC.

My nieces and nephews were the same - by the time they hit 3, they were able to go up the dairy ladder and start having dairy cooked into things. My daughter is still at the stage where she produces green frothy stinkyyy poo when she has any dairy and her abdomen is nearly always extended.

Thank you - really appreciate your messaging. Will learn to put more details in OP in future - I admit I’m not amazing at bringing my son’s additional needs up, a point I appreciate I probably I need to look into more as I’m holding onto a lot of grief about that.

so he’d rather his wife and newborn go on days out than say no to his parents, as that’s a difficult discussion and he doesn’t want to put himself out?
the fil would also not make his life harder by saying no his wife even though it’s an inconvenience to everyone else.

‘people pleasers’ is often used as a positive description, inferring that the pp is just so nice and kind. But they’re actually selfish and cowardly - don’t do the right thing because they can’t bear having an uncomfortable chat.

There's no need to apologise. It's full on and people judge you. Can you organise for some down time? This is where the PIL could really help! If not, there are some wonderful support networks with parents facing challenges of various kinds.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. 💐

@Strudel1984 do in-laws understand the additional needs of your DS (as they don’t your DD’s dairy allergy I assume possibly not)

2 hours drive isn't actually that far. We'd do that as a day trip. It's weird that they rent nearer but it's still nearly an hour away? Maybe they have personal reasons why it's awkward for them to come to yours? It's an odd arrangement, but they're paying money to do it so probably think they are putting effort in.
45mins drive are literally not an issue, we regularly do this for visits, days out etc. You sound very rigid in your routine? It's not an issue to dump a buggy in the boot.
Just have a frank conversation saying you don't like travelling far, and come to a more balanced arrangement. You can't judge until you understand their reasons.

You sound pretty amazing and are doing a great job.

Your H needs to man up and stop this nonsense.

You don’t have to build a relationship with grandparents who are so contrary, just saying.

Exactly. He's a parent pleaser, but he's got a wife and children who should be his priority, and his wife had a lot to deal with. That should be his focus.

If it’s not that far for a day trip maybe the fit and healthy grandparents can do it rather than the family of four with full time jobs and two small children.

Also, read the thread!

Yout husband needs to be firmer that if they wish to see you all then sometimes they need to cone to you. BUT if the issue has never been raised you can see why they don't view it as a problem.

There are special needs involved

I didn’t do a very good job at putting all of the additional details into my original post, sorry. I’ve added comments here and there to note my son has just turned 4 last week and has additional needs (not drastic at all, I should add), but he didn’t start walking until beyond 2, he is just learning how to run shuffle now and can’t walk for more than 10 minutes. Because we have a dog and we are an outdoorsy family, easier to take a double pram so he can hop in and out as needed. He will inevitably need the pram for longer than my daughter who is 2.5 years younger than him. He basically has low muscle tone but is in Physio to help!

Exactly.

If their grandparents do not care enough about them to deal with the mild inconvenience of staying in suburban Bristol as opposed to what I assume is an AirBnB in the Cotswolds or similar or do not care enough to take their allergies and safety seriously, why do you think it's so important for your grandchildren to see them so often?

A grandparent relationship can be wonderful. But it isn't necessarily so. If the grandparent is only interested on their terms, then this isn't a relationship that is going to be highly valuable to your child.

I wonder if perhaps they are more uncomfortable with your childrens' additional needs than they let on and somehow not seeing them at their home somehow allows them to ignore the reality a bit?

People pleasers only care about pleasing the people they are scared of. They trample all over other people in order to please that person. Don't be trampled on

Your penultimate paragraph is along the lines of what I was thinking.

You have been unreasonable to agree to these day trips. Just stop, and tell PIL that if they want to see the grandchildren they have to either travel to the city for day trips or stay with or near you for a couple of nights. I hate cities too, the pollution makes me wheeze and I go as infrequently as possible, but this sounds like either a phobia that needs treating, or a bid to control you.
Or, if you want to be more accommodating, think about staying a couple of nights in a child friendly rental close to them.