Unsupportive mother-in-law

[Strudel1984]

I struggle with my MIL in many different ways, but since having children I am finding the relationship impossible. She and FIL live about 2 hours away and since having children 4 years ago, they’ve visited us maybe 6 times. But of those 6 times, they never actually come and stay in our city - they hate cities, traffic and all things urban, so they rent somewhere for the weekend in the countryside. Fine, each to their own! But then they insist on us travelling to them for “day trips” which is occasionally an administrative nightmare and takes a great deal of effort on our part. We have to pack the car up with two kids, a dog, double pram so our youngest can at least nap on the go, kid friendly food (they have no idea how to cater for food), travel potty, toys to entertain in a non child friendly house. Then the rental house is usually a hazard for kids as they didn’t rent it with kids in mind - no stair gates, steep steps etc. I think my frustration stems from when I had my 1st and they came to “see the baby”, but made us travel 45 minutes out of city to their rental - at 5 days post partum and with stitches galore - so they could meet baby. When they don’t come to “visit” us, we go back and forth between our two sets of parents on a monthly basis so our kids can see their grandparents. I am getting so frustrated with this arrangement and honestly, a little bit sad. My husband and I have created a beautiful home for our family and would love to host them for a lunch, cuppa, picnic in the garden to show them how we live our lives as a family. Any idea how to raise this and insist that if they come to “visit” us, they actually make the effort of coming all the way to us so we can relax in the comfort of our own home? I should add, we live in a suburb of a city so a driveway to park on, quiet family friendly road, two spare bedrooms for them to stay in (with en suite for privacy) and a huge garden - it’s not like we live in a 30 storey block of flats in a really urban area. They are the same age as my parents, who come and stay ALL of the time. Thank you for getting this far!

Sorry about your selfish MIL.
On the side-topic of dairy, we have me and 2 of three DC with the intolerance. The NHS ladder was tedious and unhelpful and since they can get dietary needs met in other ways, we just don’t have dairy (except hard cheese and butter which are actually ok in small amounts). I feel like the push for dairy is so old-fashioned these days and all medical tests show we’re healthy.
Good luck setting boundaries with the in-laws!

I think that’s just an excuse. I’m sorry, but when I have grandchildren, I won’t mind sleeping in a tent in the garden if that’s what it takes to spend time with them! OP has described a lively home, and I’m struggling to see why the grandparents wouldn’t be able to stay there for a few days.

As for not mentioning the FIL, in my experience, it’s often the women who make these decisions. I have a similar issue with my own parents: my mum makes all the decisions, and my dad just goes along for the ride. He would never stand up for me or even bother to have an opinion about visiting. I imagine OP might be experiencing something similar.

So sorry op. They should be coming to you.

Why did you travel to them 5 days pp @Strudel1984 ?! Did your dh pressure you to?
I cannot believe anyone expected that from you, gobsmacked.
You sound like you have incredibly busy lives and with the added complications of your ds's additional needs, I would be putting my foot down if your dh is unwilling to.
Just tell them it no longer works for you and if they want to see you all then they need to come to you.
Like fuck would I be carting everyone to the bloody Cotswolds for a day visit!

Your pil sound incredibly selfish and uninterested. Stop enabling it.

YANBU, not at all @Strudel1984.

They sound awful, particularly your MIL if she is the one making all the decisions. Has she surrounded herself with weak men because your DH appears to be one too. He should be supporting his DW and the two children you have produced together, not pandering to his bully of a mother.

you need to let them do as they please and only do what works for you. This arrangement is very hard work for you and idk many people who’d do it, I wouldn’t. This means they can stay wherever they want to stay but you don’t go there. Keep inviting them over, for a day trip. Or suggest meeting at some Public place for a couple of hours.

my mil moved very far away from everyone and lived in someone else’s house for probably a decade. Then wanted to buy her own place/considered it. We got in touch to say we will be having kids in the very near future in case this influences your plan to buy in this very far away place. Two weeks later she bought a property.

now, we have a family and she visits the place we live in a few times a year. She sees other people and us too when she comes here. But ever since starting a family, she’s been inviting/asking us to visit her where she lives on and on and on. We’ve never been and I have no intention of going. My husband can go any time, I keep suggesting he does go but he won’t without us. And for all of us, it’d be the same amount of work as for you and probably paying for a dog sitter as I doubt mil would be happy for us to bring the dog who inconveniently does exist and is part of the family. I don’t think driving such distances, staying bundled up into one room, being in unfamiliar surroundings would do us any good. Plus mil doesn’t cook herself and doesn’t really want you to cook in her kitchen either (we used to visit her before starting a family). I’m afraid I can’t cater for my family with just takeaways and eating out, it’s not good enough. And, like you said, the place won’t be child friendly and I don’t think she’d be ecstatic if something was spilled etc which is what happens in family homes on the daily.

so it’s a no from me.

Maybe your MIL is trying to be positive about her grandson? You don’t like her do you, and that’s OK, maybe they don’t like you?
Perhaps next time your PILs come for a visit your DH can visit them by himself with the DC and give you a break. But you need to stop being a martyr and be more assertive, You say you have a busy corporate job (you must have good people skills to work with different colleagues), you have 2 DC under 4 - one with additional needs, so life sounds full on. A break from everyone once in a while will do you the world of good.

Your MIL is obviously in denial about your son's additional needs and believes that his disability is something to be ashamed of. I would start refusing to travel to the Cotswolds to see them. They should be making the effort to ensure that their visits easy and enjoyable for your family but they are doing the opposite of that.

Unfortunately, your husband obviously panders to his mum so you need to ensure that he understands how stressful you are currently finding their visits.

Your dh really needs to be the one to tell them that yiu would prefer they visit/stay at your house. Or even do it like alternating times in your house and at their rental?

be careful what you wish for because hosting people for stays can also be a pain, I wish my In laws would rent a place some times instead of treating my house like a full board hotel!

Hmm not sure really, I think a lot of people travel an hour or two to see family fairly regularly. 45 minutes is nothing! You can visit for the day and go back again. Of course if you don’t want to just say sorry it’s not convenient but I think you’re being a bit dramatic.

But also, why did you agree to that post partum trip? I’d just have said no!

Your post is difficult to read when you do not use paragraphs.

Ideas that could help ...
A few times each year, book accommodation for the weekend near PIL.

Don't feel unusual packing food for children. That is what most parents do.

Organise your DH to drive to his parents' on a Friday night and drive them down to stay with you a few times each year.

Organise to meet for day trips less than an hour and twenty minutes drive for you.
Do not agree to day trips two hours away until your children are older.

Going to the countryside is brilliant. I would find ways of enjoying that and suggest that the in-laws consider shorter distances from your home more often.

@Strudel1984 It's beyond time where your response should be "No, it's not working with 2 small kids and a dog. There is a bedroom with it's own ensuite here for you, let us know when you want to visit."
Stop travelling to the Cotswolds.
If they persist, tell DH he'll be taking the kids and the dog on his own. Maybe that will encourage him to grow a pair say no to his Mummy.
I'd also be bloody furious about the dietary requirements for your DD. They have no excuse for that.🤬
As for your little boy...maybe they see him as imperfect and they can't deal with that, so actively choose to ignore it.
I'm sorry, I know that will upset you, but I can't think why they'd deliberately cause your kids (and you) so many issues other than by just being plain old nasty.
💐🧸

It's hardly monthly if in 4 years this has only occured 6 times . But it should stop now if you don't want to do it. Let your DH deal with his people though . He needs to tell them how it's too much for your family to do it.

I'm horrified that anyone expected you to travel 5 days post partum with stitches...

Your DH needs to be assertive and discuss this with them.

No need to apologise. I was just offering suggestions as to whether anyone knew why ?
And it is not ‘an excuse’.
The MIL is not me !
And unless you know the family I would not decide the FIL has nothing to do with decisions. I offered that note just by way of reminder. We have no idea what he is like.

But it’s irrelevant what anyone ‘expects’. The OP has it in her power to say no.

No if they want to see the baby they have to go to you- they aren't royalty why should everyone else be inconvenienced to suit them?
Put your foot down.

This is madness OP.
I would suggest therapy for you to learn assertiveness.

Why you would entertain this at all is really beyond me.

Tell your husband you won't be going anyway to visit them again and he can crack on and go himself.

Are you afraid of your husband?
Because honestly this is madness.

You have so much going on, are parents to two children and yet these people dictate what you do.

Assertiveness training is required and for your wet husband who is putting his parents comfort ahead of you.

They add nothing but annoyance and stress at the moment, so start pushing back.

You need to mind yourself as no one else is.

Why have you titled it unsupportive MIL? When you then go on to say mil and fil?

Hmmm could your MIL have health issues you aren’t aware of?
I think this is on your DH to have a grown up conversation with them , get to the bottom of what the problem is.
I must say I would be nervous of driving in to Bristol but surely there’s a train they could get or park and ride you could pick them up from?

Agree with others that you and your DH should have just said no to the 5 days PP visit.

The food thing is annoying especially the dairy free issue, but it can be difficult catering to children. Part of being a parent of young kids is carting a bag of snacks around with you in my experience!

I also feel like it’s not much more of a faff to drive 2h with kids if you’re going to do 45mins anyway. Why not just go to theirs instead but less often? They have to accept that if they aren’t prepared to go to your house they will see less of their grandchildren.

Honestly, I look back and think I was just not thinking straight! My little boy arrived early, even before I had finished work for mat leave - I can’t even remember the first two weeks, never mind making sensible decisions. I judge my previous self for not advocating for myself, and my husband has since voiced his regret that we did that. For baby number 2, we put our foot down - meant they didn’t meet daughter for a while, but I was able to heal.

Yeah, I definitely think she has anxiety about travelling and life in general. We travel to theirs once every 2 months (we alternate between grandparents and travel to my parents who live 2 hours away in Devon once a month too). I think we will just have to say don’t travel to us at all and just wait for us to visit every 2 months like we do anyway. My MIL always says that she doesn’t see the grandchildren enough as it is, but we will just have to say no.

My MIL always says that she doesn’t see the grandchildren enough as it is,

Then she needs to try harder. Why can't they get a train to Bristol to visit you?

There is such a thing as post partum depression - I can’t even remember the first two weeks of my son’s life as I was in a fog and couldn’t think straight. I was so tired that I couldn’t be bothered with the argument. Looking back, I am maddened that I went along with it. I had a glorious post partum experience with my second and only knew then how bad I had been the first time round. It’s very well to say that I should have done better, but knowing where my head was at the time, I’m not surprised I just got in the car.

You did enough. Just stop doing what doesn't work for you and your children. You are not there to fulfill your parents-in-law wants.