Unsupportive mother-in-law

[Strudel1984]

I struggle with my MIL in many different ways, but since having children I am finding the relationship impossible. She and FIL live about 2 hours away and since having children 4 years ago, they’ve visited us maybe 6 times. But of those 6 times, they never actually come and stay in our city - they hate cities, traffic and all things urban, so they rent somewhere for the weekend in the countryside. Fine, each to their own! But then they insist on us travelling to them for “day trips” which is occasionally an administrative nightmare and takes a great deal of effort on our part. We have to pack the car up with two kids, a dog, double pram so our youngest can at least nap on the go, kid friendly food (they have no idea how to cater for food), travel potty, toys to entertain in a non child friendly house. Then the rental house is usually a hazard for kids as they didn’t rent it with kids in mind - no stair gates, steep steps etc. I think my frustration stems from when I had my 1st and they came to “see the baby”, but made us travel 45 minutes out of city to their rental - at 5 days post partum and with stitches galore - so they could meet baby. When they don’t come to “visit” us, we go back and forth between our two sets of parents on a monthly basis so our kids can see their grandparents. I am getting so frustrated with this arrangement and honestly, a little bit sad. My husband and I have created a beautiful home for our family and would love to host them for a lunch, cuppa, picnic in the garden to show them how we live our lives as a family. Any idea how to raise this and insist that if they come to “visit” us, they actually make the effort of coming all the way to us so we can relax in the comfort of our own home? I should add, we live in a suburb of a city so a driveway to park on, quiet family friendly road, two spare bedrooms for them to stay in (with en suite for privacy) and a huge garden - it’s not like we live in a 30 storey block of flats in a really urban area. They are the same age as my parents, who come and stay ALL of the time. Thank you for getting this far!

You should've already told them you don't like doing it. I'd much rather be away in the countryside for a weekend than hosting in my own home. They probably think they're doing you a favour.

It is unfair of them to expect you always to go there when you have young kids and all the paraphernalia that goes with them. I'm a similar age and think your home sounds lovely! And given the amount of annoying PIL threads on here, they are very lucky you actually want to host them! But do they know how you feel? Have you told them how much you'd actually like for them to come and stay? Is it possible they don't want you to have the hassle of hosting them and think of it as a break for you too?
As someone of a similar age, I can well understand them wanting a countryside retreat but they can do that another time

Is this actually a DH problem in that he doesn't want to say no to his parents. You need to discuss between you what are reasonable boundaries and stick to them. You may need to say 'I'm out' on family trips if he's determined not to say no to them.

Put your foot down and say no. Remember no one can make you do anything. Give them a plan that works for you and the kids - come to ours for lunch/ meet you at the zoo/the marina/Wookey - and don't let MIL blindside you!

They only live 2 hours away (it takes me over an hour to get to work).

You could easily do a day trip or better yet just meet in the middle.

They don’t like driving to yours and you don’t like going to theirs - so meet in the middle, go for a walk and meal or some type of activity and then everyone go home.
No packing needed, no diary issues, no steep stairs etc.

Yes, the Cotswolds is exactly where they always stay - usually around the Tetbury area.

It’s a really really interesting point you make about feeling uncomfortable about my son - I have sometimes thought that in the past. They never like talking about it and, whenever my son has a hospital appt coming up, they will refuse to talk about it or ask about the results. I flippantly wrote my post this morning because I was beyond frustrated and my children had bag nights so I was exhausted, but I think my MIL and I just clash in our views on this. I am pragmatic and trust medical views - my MIL is widely suspicious of hospitals and thinks “he will catch up”, entirely missing the fact that he’s got significant gross motor delays, is the size of a 2 year old (been tested for growth hormone deficiency and not that) and requires Physio.

This may well be the case. I can understand your stress and frustration.
It's all the more important for your DH to have a full and frank conversation with them.

Ahhh that’s it then - it’s Bristol - the worst place I’ve ever had to drive - roundabouts, bridges, double roundabouts, roundabouts on bridges… I’m a very confident driver but I found it an anxiety-inducing nightmare when my daughter was studying there!
Maybe you pick them up and bring them to yours, or get a taxi, or suggest they get a train to Bristol and you collect them from there. It sounds like you have a lovely home - I would put money on the fact that it’s the driving that’s putting them off getting into the city.

We've had to put our foot down with my parents about us visiting them. It just isn't practical for us. They have an open invitation to visit us whenever they like, and we've told them a few times a year when we will come to them. Could you do that?

It's absolute madness to inconvenience everyone every time, rather than alternate (or have them make more effort while the children are so small). They portray it as doing a favour "coming to you" but you face almost the same level of inconvenience if not worse than just going to their house!

If my PIL behaved like that I would be frustrated too. Just seems like a power play on their part.

Nope, fuck that shit. If they want to visit you, they visit you at your house. It’s not too late to put your foot down.

Exactly. Grow up and act like an adult. No one held you at gunpoint 5 days pp into seeing them. You went there on your own. You need to speak up

I don’t think she said she’s struggling, just irritated by the expectation that she does it repeatedly when there is another less faffy option available.

I do think it’s unfair to dismiss OPs statement that there is a lot of admin involved in taking two small children away plus pet. I have only one child and it is 500 times easier to travel with her now that she’s of school age than when she was a baby/toddler, not least because I can pack without her climbing all over my back. And travelling without any kids at all is basically a nice day out, I’d do it for fun!

They should be making life easier for you not harder. You dh needs to speak up.

She is, according to her update. She kindly replied to my post and did clarify the issues.
Her DH needs to tackle this with his parents.

I hear you OP and feel your pain. Similar situation but it's FIL who is the problem. They expect us to drive 2 hours each way to visit and he won't feed the children. Won't have any toys in the house. House completely non child proofed, large drop beside stairs etc we have to take all of the food, toys etc. We only go twice a year for the day. I think you need to reduce contact unless they come to you. This may mean by train if they are not confident drivers.

My adult children and their partners would flatly refuse if I behaved like your MiL. Your life is very busy and hers isn't. Your PiLs should be helping you not adding to your stress.

Your DH & FiL are afraid of upsetting your MiL but not afraid of upsetting you. I think you have to turn this around, refuse to bend to her will and insist that the men back you up. If you don't do this now, the pattern of appeasing MiL at your expense will continue and increase.

Good luck!

Have you or your other half got to the bottom of why they feel, or would feel uncomfortable staying at yours ? Given you are not in a city at all but in a suburb of one.
Do you think they try and make a holiday of a visit and do not realise the nuisance it causes ? Has anyone talked to them about it. Sorry if already explained.
And I use ‘they’ rather than MIL. As there is a FIL too.

Head it off at the pass. Say already that your kids are looking forward to showing you their bedrooms / garden whatever and you want to cook dinner for them so what time will they get to yours?

Your MIL is extremely selfish and wants everything her own way and sadly everyone around her is enabling this. The only way to stop it is to say no. Your DH and FIL have no balls so you are going to have to grow some.

Honestly, I’d stop going out of my way and just invite them over. If they come, great. If they don’t, that’s on them.

I did the same with my parents, and I’m so tired of grandparents who show little interest in seeing their grandchildren. I’m not asking for help with the kids, cooking, cleaning, or picking them up from nursery. I’m simply asking them to make an effort to visit us, but apparently, even that is too much to ask.

I’ve had to accept that my parents will never be the grandparents I hoped they would be. As heartbreaking as that is, there’s no point in constantly trying to force a relationship or making all the effort myself. I’m happy to have them over, but I’ve stopped running around after them. I’m not travelling to see them with two kids while pregnant with my third when they could just as easily make the effort to visit us.

At some point, you have to accept that you can’t change people or make them want to be more involved. You can keep making all the effort yourself, or you can step back and let them decide how much of a relationship they want with their grandchildren.

Believe me, I’ve tried. You can’t make people change, and sometimes accepting that is the only way to stop being disappointed.

Your in laws are being unreasonable making you go to them. I think it is fine for them to get a rental rather than stay at yours if that’s what they prefer, however there is no reason why they can’t stay in their rentals but visit you at your house and then you have the option of all going out locally too but from your house.

You do need to communicate this to them though, next time tell them that it doesn’t work for you and the children to travel to them but they are welcome to come visit you for the day. Be clear you don’t expect them to stay over, (because they plainly don’t want to) just come over for the day. If they won’t, then it’s their loss.

So they've never ever visited you at home? So presumably not even seen the house their son lives in? That is deeply weird and unusual.

It seems that your DH has inherited this allegedly "people pleasing" trait because I honestly don't see why else he would have gone along with the insane demand that you should travel to them a mere 5 days after giving birth!

I think you should invite them to yours one more time. If they complain about any aspect of the driving, recommend public transport options instead - it sounds like they can easily afford this, even if they're not old enough to qualify for bus passes?! Or your DH could maybe drive to somewhere like Pucklechurch and pick them up, then drop them off at their car after they've been at yours?

If your FIL says they can manage it this time, great.
If your MIL can't, then she can stay at home.

If neither of your PIL bother coming, they don't see their grandchildren.

& yeah, cut back on how often you make the effort to go to them. Their loss. It sounds like they're not actually providing much real 'support' anyway so you won't be missing out on anything at all.

My ILs live 15 minutes from us, and still never come to visit. Maybe once a year for DS birthday. You can’t force people to be interested so I’ve stopped trying. If they don’t see their GS that often, that’s their problem.

But you can’t seem to say ‘no’ to them either. Maybe he just doesn’t see it in the same way as you do.