Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unsupportive mother-in-law

109 replies

Strudel1984 · Today 07:09

I struggle with my MIL in many different ways, but since having children I am finding the relationship impossible. She and FIL live about 2 hours away and since having children 4 years ago, they’ve visited us maybe 6 times. But of those 6 times, they never actually come and stay in our city - they hate cities, traffic and all things urban, so they rent somewhere for the weekend in the countryside. Fine, each to their own! But then they insist on us travelling to them for “day trips” which is occasionally an administrative nightmare and takes a great deal of effort on our part. We have to pack the car up with two kids, a dog, double pram so our youngest can at least nap on the go, kid friendly food (they have no idea how to cater for food), travel potty, toys to entertain in a non child friendly house. Then the rental house is usually a hazard for kids as they didn’t rent it with kids in mind - no stair gates, steep steps etc. I think my frustration stems from when I had my 1st and they came to “see the baby”, but made us travel 45 minutes out of city to their rental - at 5 days post partum and with stitches galore - so they could meet baby. When they don’t come to “visit” us, we go back and forth between our two sets of parents on a monthly basis so our kids can see their grandparents. I am getting so frustrated with this arrangement and honestly, a little bit sad. My husband and I have created a beautiful home for our family and would love to host them for a lunch, cuppa, picnic in the garden to show them how we live our lives as a family. Any idea how to raise this and insist that if they come to “visit” us, they actually make the effort of coming all the way to us so we can relax in the comfort of our own home? I should add, we live in a suburb of a city so a driveway to park on, quiet family friendly road, two spare bedrooms for them to stay in (with en suite for privacy) and a huge garden - it’s not like we live in a 30 storey block of flats in a really urban area. They are the same age as my parents, who come and stay ALL of the time. Thank you for getting this far!

OP posts:
Original poster
Strudel1984 · Today 13:17

Loverurarliving01 · Today 09:56

Honestly, I’d stop going out of my way and just invite them over. If they come, great. If they don’t, that’s on them.

I did the same with my parents, and I’m so tired of grandparents who show little interest in seeing their grandchildren. I’m not asking for help with the kids, cooking, cleaning, or picking them up from nursery. I’m simply asking them to make an effort to visit us, but apparently, even that is too much to ask.

I’ve had to accept that my parents will never be the grandparents I hoped they would be. As heartbreaking as that is, there’s no point in constantly trying to force a relationship or making all the effort myself. I’m happy to have them over, but I’ve stopped running around after them. I’m not travelling to see them with two kids while pregnant with my third when they could just as easily make the effort to visit us.

At some point, you have to accept that you can’t change people or make them want to be more involved. You can keep making all the effort yourself, or you can step back and let them decide how much of a relationship they want with their grandchildren.

Believe me, I’ve tried. You can’t make people change, and sometimes accepting that is the only way to stop being disappointed.

Out of all the messages, this one struck me as the closest to how I feel myself. I am sorry you are in a similar position. I feel like I am mourning the relationship I thought they would have with my children, but I just need to accept the truth and move on. I am glad you are ahead of me on that process - sending solidarity!

OP posts:
Original poster
Strudel1984 · Today 13:21

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · Today 09:58

So they've never ever visited you at home? So presumably not even seen the house their son lives in? That is deeply weird and unusual.

It seems that your DH has inherited this allegedly "people pleasing" trait because I honestly don't see why else he would have gone along with the insane demand that you should travel to them a mere 5 days after giving birth!

I think you should invite them to yours one more time. If they complain about any aspect of the driving, recommend public transport options instead - it sounds like they can easily afford this, even if they're not old enough to qualify for bus passes?! Or your DH could maybe drive to somewhere like Pucklechurch and pick them up, then drop them off at their car after they've been at yours?

If your FIL says they can manage it this time, great.
If your MIL can't, then she can stay at home.

If neither of your PIL bother coming, they don't see their grandchildren.

& yeah, cut back on how often you make the effort to go to them. Their loss. It sounds like they're not actually providing much real 'support' anyway so you won't be missing out on anything at all.

Thank you for your message! Yes, all good ideas. They have visited us in our home, but for a flying cup of tea. I have always found it odd that they don’t show more of interest in seeing their bedrooms or anything we have done to the house - we bought a doer upper just after my son was born (yes, we are mad) and we want to proudly show off the changes over time. They just don’t care, which is sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strudel1984 · Today 13:23

Forgedsnak · Today 10:20

Hmm not sure really, I think a lot of people travel an hour or two to see family fairly regularly. 45 minutes is nothing! You can visit for the day and go back again. Of course if you don’t want to just say sorry it’s not convenient but I think you’re being a bit dramatic.

But also, why did you agree to that post partum trip? I’d just have said no!

We already visit them at theirs every two months (we alternate between parents). When they come to visit us in Bristol, but still rent 45 minutes away, that’s a pain when we make the actual effort to go to them every 2 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strudel1984 · Today 13:25

JoshLymanSwagger · Today 10:23

@Strudel1984 It's beyond time where your response should be "No, it's not working with 2 small kids and a dog. There is a bedroom with it's own ensuite here for you, let us know when you want to visit."
Stop travelling to the Cotswolds.
If they persist, tell DH he'll be taking the kids and the dog on his own. Maybe that will encourage him to grow a pair say no to his Mummy.
I'd also be bloody furious about the dietary requirements for your DD. They have no excuse for that.🤬
As for your little boy...maybe they see him as imperfect and they can't deal with that, so actively choose to ignore it.
I'm sorry, I know that will upset you, but I can't think why they'd deliberately cause your kids (and you) so many issues other than by just being plain old nasty.
💐🧸

You didn’t upset me at all, he’s my little pocket rocket and I love him for all of his little differences 💕 If nothing is medically wrong with him (tests still ongoing), then he will get to where ever he needs or wants to be with time. Thank you for your kind message!

OP posts:
whistlesandbells · Today 13:27

I wouldn’t do monthly visits with many children when they do not return the favour.
I wouldn’t happily go to visit them nearby without speaking up that it is ‘unsafe’, but again, 6 times in 4 years isn’t a lot.
I wouldn’t have travelled to them for them to see the baby 5 days post-pattern at all.

Speak up, be less available and just say this isn’t working for us. Also, it’s your FIL too. Let your DH deal with them. You don’t have to have a relationship with them at all, and certainly not one that doesn’t work for you.

Original poster
Strudel1984 · Today 13:28

Goaliestar · Today 12:21

This is madness OP.
I would suggest therapy for you to learn assertiveness.

Why you would entertain this at all is really beyond me.

Tell your husband you won't be going anyway to visit them again and he can crack on and go himself.

Are you afraid of your husband?
Because honestly this is madness.

You have so much going on, are parents to two children and yet these people dictate what you do.

Assertiveness training is required and for your wet husband who is putting his parents comfort ahead of you.

They add nothing but annoyance and stress at the moment, so start pushing back.

You need to mind yourself as no one else is.

I definitely don’t need assertiveness training, I’m a litigator - it’s what I do for a living 😂 that comment really made me laugh so thank you for making me feel better!! Maybe I am so wound up from my week at work, I just collapse at the weekend and can’t take any more drama 😅😅

OP posts:
StuNur85 · Today 13:31

Just say logistically this is a bit of a nightmare bringing everything the children need to visit and would be far easier for the children if you could just drive here. I'm sure they'd love to see you in our home. If they won't then you don't go to them. Don't do things to keep other people happy that make your life harder, regardless of who they are.

DeftGoldHedgehog · Today 13:33

FleurDeFleur · Today 07:49

You seem a bit overwhelmed by the "administration" of organising two children to go somewhere for the day. I don't know if you're struggling generally?.
It's too much for you, so don't do it. It's really for your DH to sort out though, they're his parents.

It's a lot more administration than it is for a couple of can't be arsed sixty somethings to come to them, particularly when there are allergies and disability involved.

Goaliestar · Today 14:40

Loverurarliving01 · Today 09:56

Honestly, I’d stop going out of my way and just invite them over. If they come, great. If they don’t, that’s on them.

I did the same with my parents, and I’m so tired of grandparents who show little interest in seeing their grandchildren. I’m not asking for help with the kids, cooking, cleaning, or picking them up from nursery. I’m simply asking them to make an effort to visit us, but apparently, even that is too much to ask.

I’ve had to accept that my parents will never be the grandparents I hoped they would be. As heartbreaking as that is, there’s no point in constantly trying to force a relationship or making all the effort myself. I’m happy to have them over, but I’ve stopped running around after them. I’m not travelling to see them with two kids while pregnant with my third when they could just as easily make the effort to visit us.

At some point, you have to accept that you can’t change people or make them want to be more involved. You can keep making all the effort yourself, or you can step back and let them decide how much of a relationship they want with their grandchildren.

Believe me, I’ve tried. You can’t make people change, and sometimes accepting that is the only way to stop being disappointed.

This is so wise.
So many young parents bend themselves out of shape hoping for parents or in laws to be different.
It changes nothing.
I have several friends whom bitterly regret the early years of this.
It really distracted and detracted from those precious early years.
Their parents and in laws had busy lives and just weren't interested, bar a couple of brief visits every year.

Eventually after years and years the penny dropped and they got busy with their own lives, sports, activities etc.

Their children were in their teens and suddenly their grandparents wanted their time.
They had absolutely no interest.
There was no connection, no real relationship, and they were busy with their own lives.
My friends didn't apologise, she just kept saying they are busy with stuff.
She couldn't change their grandparents when they were small and she is not imposing on her children now they are in their teens.

Invest in your circle of friends and build your family from them.

You cannot change other people, just your own response to them.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page