Senior manager sexually propositioned me and I don’t know what to do

[October99]

I have changed my name because a couple of my previous posts could hint at my employer.

I went to after work drinks earlier for a colleague who is leaving. We finished early around 2pm and so by the time this happened at about 8pm, a lot of people were very drunk. I don’t really drink much so had stopped at two glasses earlier in the day.

In the busy and loud pub we’d moved onto I was stood speaking with two colleagues, one of which is a senior manager. My other colleague excused herself to go to the loo, so I was left with my senior manager. He started talking about my partner and said he’s been married over 30 years now and misses going to places like this as a youngster. He said if it was 20 years ago he’d ‘have had me in the gents bent over in a cubicle’. I rolled my eyes and he said something about how he could always roll back the years if I wanted. I immediately left.

He was drunk, no doubting that. But I was left feeling extremely uncomfortable and now don’t know whether I should report this. It would be my word against his and possible career suicide. Would you say something?

No. I wouldn’t say anything in those circumstances. Shitty, I know, but yeah. Nope.

Sorry that happened to you, that’s awful.

I think you should report him but I appreciate that’s easy for me to say behind a screen.

What is the company culture like?

It’s good, they say all the right things and actions usually match.

I would raise a grievance and ask for a written apology and assurance that you will not ever be spoken to like this again.

That's me thinking about my job and company though. Only you know what your company is like and how it might go down.

If he remembers what he said when he sobers up, he’ll most likely be mortified and will apologise.

Did you call him out on his comment? If not I’d be standing at his desk first thing Monday morning. 🤯

He won’t remember it. You should forget it.

Nothing happened. I’d leave it at that, OP…

Safeguarding fails when lots of pieces don’t get linked together. Even if you don’t make it a formal complaint can you mention it to someone in HR, they may know about other instances, or are aware if he does it again in the future.

I'd say wait til tomorrow and see if he apologises. Then decide.
And if he says nothing, you could email him to say he made you feel very uncomfortable with what he said, and see how he replies, and then take to HR.
Or email him and copy in HR.
If you go straight to HR, he could just say he was very drunk and doesn't remember.

No, I wouldn't. But I would have told him to get lost (using stronger language) at the time. Any reason you didn't? Do you think your lack of interest will cause you issues in the future? Did you feel uncomfortable enough to start an investigation into social events outside of work that don't require your attendance?

Honestly I think you should be able to raise this but in reality it won’t be good for you.
maybe see if he is a bit ashamed or not
I’ve observed a situation at work where a manager is being investigated and Ive seen others who should have picked them up on it minimising or denying to save their own positions. Fascinating to observe from a distance. Perhaps not great to be a part of.
I found it a warning of the politics involved that you may not be aware of
see how he is, if you can’t work with him maybe look for another job but take your time and find a good fit.

Don’t victim blame - this is about what he said not how she reacted.

Is there a whistleblowing option op? We had to
put one in place this year at the request of one of our clients for this reason.

I wouldn’t say anything if I were in your position. I would probably just avoid getting close to him on social occasions from now on

I wouldn’t report it on this occasion as you weren’t in work - also you were socialising and he’s drunk and probably won’t remember anyway .

if he said it again in the workplace then I would treat it very differently

"Any reason you didn't"?

Because it's her boss.

Because she froze.

Because she doesn't want to commit career suicide.

Because we've been socialised into minimising it.

Because you don't know if he'll get angry.

What a misogynist question.

"Probably won't remember it anyway."

How convenient.

Ugh sorry this happened. I would probably go to HR and have a chat about what might happen if someone hypothetical's senior manager said something inappropriate at a work event and their reaction would dictate what I did next.

Unfortunately you are probably right to be wary but seriously if you can stomach it it would be really good to get rid of this sort of shite in the workplace wouldn't it. It's unlikely to be the first time he's done something like this.

No I wouldn't say anything. As you say, your word against his, he will get out of any responsibility by claiming you misinterpreted / he was joking / there is no law against asking (unless he is your direct manager). I've seen people say worse and maybe have a warning but both people got talked about (nothing bad against the woman but its still not nice being the subject of gossip) and ultimately they still had to work together. Not saying this is right just what I'd do

Yuck. However drunk a person is, what an awful thing to say. Just feel sorry for his wife and keep your distance as much as poss.

I voted YANBU but I would not say a word. Keep your distance but don’t tell. It would end your career - not his. As sad as it is I think it’s a fact. Sorry this happened to you.

I'd probably be looking for a new job now. Vile man.
So sorry this happened to you OP.

No, I'd say nothing.

This. Not saying it's acceptable at all but drunken middle aged man, definitley gives you the ick but not worth making work akward over. Forget it

I'm sorry. It happened to me except he kissed and groped me. I never spoke of it. As OP said it would have been career suicide.

I'm so angry that it's still happening nearly 50 years later.