Senior manager sexually propositioned me and I don’t know what to do

[October99]

I have changed my name because a couple of my previous posts could hint at my employer.

I went to after work drinks earlier for a colleague who is leaving. We finished early around 2pm and so by the time this happened at about 8pm, a lot of people were very drunk. I don’t really drink much so had stopped at two glasses earlier in the day.

In the busy and loud pub we’d moved onto I was stood speaking with two colleagues, one of which is a senior manager. My other colleague excused herself to go to the loo, so I was left with my senior manager. He started talking about my partner and said he’s been married over 30 years now and misses going to places like this as a youngster. He said if it was 20 years ago he’d ‘have had me in the gents bent over in a cubicle’. I rolled my eyes and he said something about how he could always roll back the years if I wanted. I immediately left.

He was drunk, no doubting that. But I was left feeling extremely uncomfortable and now don’t know whether I should report this. It would be my word against his and possible career suicide. Would you say something?

Being sexually assaulted is a bit different to a drunk guy verbally propositioning you. He was an idiot, no doubt but he hasn’t committed a crime. He said something stupid when pissed and if he even remembers it, I’m sure he’ll be utterly mortified. I wouldn’t say anything.

Why would you consider reporting a comment like that.? You made it clear you weren’t interested, he didn’t persist, and that was the end of it. Why possibly wreck someone’s career for one drunken remark when you dealt with it yourself?

^^what she said.

It's interesting to see these responses and the different age women they come from.

years ago women knew who from work would get drunk and say stuff like this. The handsy creeps? Stay away. The married ones? Also stay away unless you were also up for it. Which did happen yes. The ones who you know fancied you so you used it for drinks, bit of flirty fun. Then the ones who you would never think would say such a thing! An eyeroll and a 'you wish Dave' would have been the probable response. Then the most amazing gossip session with the girls on Monday. Man imagine having to wait that long!

after work (and in) used to be an absolute microcosm stuck all in its own. No phones for pictures for a start. Having to wait until Monday for the gossip.

i wouldn't report but i would maybe mention in passing occasionally

times were different then I think women have evolved since but men never have

I bet he had also propositioned the other colleague and that’s why she excused herself and left you with him!

I’d chat with her and report him to HR. He was abusing his power as a leader, he wouldn’t have said that to a man.

It was a social event with people from work, so legally, it was a work environment.

I would speak to him and tell him what he said and that it made you very uncomfortable.

His reaction would dictate my next move.

Lots of legal precedent that work-related social events count as work

It’s doesn’t matter whether he persisted or not. A sexual proposition from a senior manager would be classed as sexual harassment.

The victim blaming is awful. OP is now a ‘career wrecker’ for reporting this revolting specimen? No wonder so many men get away with workplace harassment for so many years.

The OP does not need legal advice. It's a clear cut case of sexual harassment. The setting is classed as a work environment. The OP felt he was inappropriate in a sexual manner. That's enough. She says the company is supportive. She should speak to her manager, who should escalate to HR, or to HR directly. I wouldn't hesitate. He's a senior manager, who should know better. If we don't speak out this crap perpetuates and escalates. If I had heard what he said to someone else in those circumstances, I'd report.

What does being drunk have to do with it? You don't get a pass for being predatory because you were drunk!

Exactly correct. 💯.

Yes, it is different and it isn't a crime.

But sexual harassment is also something legally defined in workplace law, this definitely crosses the threshold, you shouldn't have to put up with it and there are consequences for the perpetrator.

I did this and I was the one who was taken to task about my behaviour. I wish I'd reported through official channels.

Id like to think I would be brave and have the conversation with him directly. And I’d say I expect this to work in my favour not visa versa.

Me too and I've been involved in a case of a repeat offender in exactly this kind of behaviour over many years which made many women feel intimidated and anxious and which resulted in the odious prick eventually getting kicked out of the business when we decided enough was enough.

Any one incident was, in itself, something many of us in that case wanted to forget about, but coming together and realising the repeat behaviour empowered him and degraded us caused us to act, even though this guy was, in many cases, in charge of our salary, career prospects etc.

No

I also think there’s often an age difference in responses.

Some people haven’t realised that it isn’t 1995 anymore and sexual harassment isn’t dealt with by an eye roll and a, ‘boys will be boys’, tut.

Yes, and the law has changed to reflect this.

The things that HR might have brushed aside ten years ago would get them into corporate trouble today.

Exactly!!

I am amazed at how many people are just telling the OP to move on. We all know that a culture where this sort of horrible comment is ignored is what ultimately leads to a culture that breeds misogyny, DV, and VAWG. This is where it starts. My DH, and my male friends, would never dream of saying this to anyone, drunk or not. I’d be horrified if my DS thought it was okay to say it to someone. Come on, we’re supposed to be supporting each other. Nothing will EVER change if the low-level stuff continues to be swept under the carpet. FFS.

All this report him ? It's one person's word against another. What is going to happen in reality? Nothing !

Did he proposition you though? Doesn’t sound like it.

He suggested he would be willing to roll back the years in order to shag her in the toilet if she wanted - of course that’s a proposition.

Her employer will record the incident.

If the creep carries on doing it, and people carry on reporting it, HR will have a record of repeated complaints. There is not a "beyond reasonable doubt" level of proof required in sexual harassment cases. Sexual harassment occurs when victims reasonably feel they have been sexually harassed. Telling someone "if it was 20 years ago he’d ‘have had me in the gents bent over in a cubicle" is undoubtedly sexual harassment.

If the OP reports it and the creep stops doing it, all good.

Yep - how would the move on people be responding if the creep had said this to their 21 year old dd? Just move on dear - you know what men are like when they've had a few drinks - all a bit of fun.
Would you say to your dd? "Don't be one of those people. You're both adults. You were both drunk. Build a bridge. Walk across it. Get over it."