Senior manager sexually propositioned me and I don’t know what to do

[October99]

I have changed my name because a couple of my previous posts could hint at my employer.

I went to after work drinks earlier for a colleague who is leaving. We finished early around 2pm and so by the time this happened at about 8pm, a lot of people were very drunk. I don’t really drink much so had stopped at two glasses earlier in the day.

In the busy and loud pub we’d moved onto I was stood speaking with two colleagues, one of which is a senior manager. My other colleague excused herself to go to the loo, so I was left with my senior manager. He started talking about my partner and said he’s been married over 30 years now and misses going to places like this as a youngster. He said if it was 20 years ago he’d ‘have had me in the gents bent over in a cubicle’. I rolled my eyes and he said something about how he could always roll back the years if I wanted. I immediately left.

He was drunk, no doubting that. But I was left feeling extremely uncomfortable and now don’t know whether I should report this. It would be my word against his and possible career suicide. Would you say something?

He is an entitled misogynist prick who thinks he can get away with comments like that.

Don't let him get away with it; just consider the best way to address it, whether that's a conversation with him with a witness present on Monday morning, whistleblowing, HR or whichever makes you feel better.

The fact you didn't respond at the time is irrelevant; actually, it's probably a good thing, as he was drunk and it will give you a bit of breathing space to decide on how you want to deal with it. Just don't let it lie.

Don't let him think that what he said was OK; it's not, and he needs to know.

I probably wouldn’t report it as it will no doubt cause you a lot of angst, but maybe let him know you didn’t appreciate his comment and thought it was inappropriate. In reality yes you should report, but I wouldn’t as I’ve been in the workplace over 25yrs and know how these things go!

This. He'll know and be sweating right now. If you keep it to yourself you keep the power. You can still spread it round the office though so everyone knows what a sleaze he is. Plus reporting to HR is likely to be stressful and negatively affect your career.

Just to dispel a couple of the usual myths on this post:

This is likely to already be covered by the law on workplace harassment and only a very shitty employer would even attempt to argue it isn't.

You can't join a union and expect assistance when the event has already happened.

OP, I'm sorry to hear about this. It won't be the first or last time he has done this, and if you can possibly face reporting him, I would strongly urge you to do so. So much bad workplace behaviour is allowed to flourish because people are too scared to say anything. But I'd do it factually, in writing via email to HR, not having a quiet word. Far easier for someone to punish you for this when there isn't clear evidence of you making a complaint. Get your paper trail going.

A drunken bloke who should know better. 🙄

But, I’d leave it now - nothing happened, and he’s probably unaware that he made a fool of himself.

I agree that it's terrible that men get away with stuff like this, the thing that holds me back is that there were no witnesses. If OP reports and the man flat out denies it, "That's preposterous, I said no such thing!" then where do they go from there?

Yes, there may be a record with HR but what are the ramifications for OP? Again, I know this is a terrible situation to be in.

I think hell would freeze over before he apologises (or even mentions it) to the OP off his own bat on Monday. Yes, OP could approach him, with a witness even, and he denies it, then what? The chances of him holding his hands up and saying I'm sorry I was a letch making inappropriate comments are minuscule, let's be honest.

I'd say spreading it round the office and getting everyone gossiping isn't a risk free strategy either!

Another vote for not saying anything.
just treat him with polite disdain.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
Once one of my bosses asked me to be his mistress. Although astonished at his brass neck, I didn’t report it. He was eased out of the firm soon after.

I'm quite militant about sexism in the workplace and abuse of a power imbalance, but I'd let that go.

Also I don't think he "propositioned" you. There was never any indication that he was asking you do that there and then, just reminiscing about his misspent youth.

I would see what he was like sober- if nothing more will be said then leave it, but avoid him as much as possible and if he is your direct manager ask for a transfer.

I’d probably not bother reporting

but I’d probably say something to him
next time I saw him - tell him what he said was disgusting and disrespectful and to never speak to anyone like that again or you will report

Thank you, I was starting to think I was going crazy! Yes it was a dodgy thing to say but it's not propositioning you OP.

You absolutely should be able to report this , what a vile man and I hope that your HR dept would take it seriously. As a pp said the law changes from 30 October so any company would be very silly to treat you negatively in any way due to reporting it.

However because there are no witnesses I would urge caution in terms of how far HR can take this. If he denies it completely then it becomes your word against his, so that becomes difficult for them to be able to discipline him etc. You could ask for a quiet word in the first instance, if they've had previous reports about him then that strengthens the case against him or as a pp said, you could get send him a message on Monday and his response may incriminate himself.

I'm sorry this happened, we shouldn't have to put up with this shit

I rolled my eyes and he said something about how he could always roll back the years if I wanted

Even without this bit you didn't read properly, women shouldn't have to put up with this shit anywhere but particularly AT WORK.

I think it depends on how you actually feel about what happened. Were you intimidated or upset? Angry? Or just a bit irritated by a sleaze bag? I think how you feel would probably determine what I’d do- you don’t know how it might play out and I’m not sure I’d risk it for something I felt only mildly irritated about. And you need to be in it for the long haul and prepared to see it through if you go ahead, so again I don’t think be prepared to go ahead and report, deal with the process etc, if the situation hadn’t caused me significant upset or made me feel intimidated.

I’m not sure someone saying what he said would have made me think much more than he is a slimy sleazebag and I’d have told him to get lost and that been an end to it. That doesn’t mean I think everyone should feel the same way, and if it made you feel threatened, intimidated, deeply uncomfortable etc, then that’s perfectly valid too. Equally if he is yiur direct line manager, I can understand that you might be worried that rejecting his advances would have implications for you in the workplace- if so, I’d be more likely to report. I guess it also depends on what outcome you are hoping for- and if it is likely to happen,

i’m not saying you aren’t within your rights to report it to HR because I think you could legitimately do so. I just don’t think I would do it personally. I think if you fo go ahead, you do need to be prepared to go through the investigation/process and see it through- it might be dealt with swiftly or it might be a drawn out.

I think he did proposition her, because he said something like ‘shall we roll back the years?’
I wouldn’t say anything. Hopefully he won’t remember what he said. I would avoid him as much as possible. The only concern I would have is if he remembers and feels embarrassed and takes it out on you. At which point I would consider reporting. Is he your direct manager or your managers manager? If so it’s unlikely you see him often? Not sure what the set up is

id play it by ear and just see how he is with you.
I had similar experience but in the office, not at an event.. I didn’t say anything ultimately and I considered everything. I figured it was my word against his. I definitely did not tell anyone at work, I didn’t want it spreading around and people getting the wrong end of the stick. Please confide in your employee assistance program, they helped me no end.
going by what I’ve heard, mine is finding himself in hot water anyway, by repeating his actions with other colleagues. So hoping the trash takes itself out eventually 🤞
sorry this happened to you, I know how much headspace it takes.

thought it wasnt AT WORK

It really depends on so many factors but my personal instinct would be to speak to him about it directly on Monday. Ask if he remembers it, give him the opportunity to apologise and assure you it won't happen again, if he's as mortified as he should be, then I'd take no further action. If he doubles down I'd be off to HR.

Given that the OP left the event straight after this comment demonstrates how uncomfortable it made her feel. Report him to HR. He's a creep who sexually harassed you. The law does and the company's policy should support employees in these circumstances.

Just no. This is not how to handle this.

Isnf this how nothing changes if we all advise her to say nothing?

Ultimately we live in a rape culture and this was graphic, unwanted and non consensual sex talk from someone in a position of power.

Yes, you should report it.

Please, on no account raise this directly with him.

I wouldn’t say anything. Unsavoury type, avoid

Ideally the Op should take legal advice before reporting - your house insurance might offer something. Or I don’t know whether CAB might help.

The Op had had 2 drinks and wasn’t drunk.
The event began in work hours whilst she was being paid by her employer. However, it sounds like there was a change of venue after work hours and I’ve no idea whether that might influence things.

I’m probably 25-30 years older than the Op and I’m bloody appalled that this shit still happens AND that women have to second guess whether to report depending on workplace culture.

edit to add - I only mention the OP’s alcohol intake because someone suggested she was drunk. Even if she was drunk that doesn’t mean her colleagues or leaders are entitled to suggest sex.

A senior manager asked to borrow my pen once in a meeting. He think leaned into me and whispered 'its still moist' .

He was a serial sexual harasser

I felt unsafe and unable to say anything.

What he said to me is nothing in comparison in terms of the graphic level of detail.

My point is, this is harassment and if we dont call it out we return to living in a benny hill culture. Use your voice or lose it