Senior manager sexually propositioned me and I don’t know what to do

[October99]

I have changed my name because a couple of my previous posts could hint at my employer.

I went to after work drinks earlier for a colleague who is leaving. We finished early around 2pm and so by the time this happened at about 8pm, a lot of people were very drunk. I don’t really drink much so had stopped at two glasses earlier in the day.

In the busy and loud pub we’d moved onto I was stood speaking with two colleagues, one of which is a senior manager. My other colleague excused herself to go to the loo, so I was left with my senior manager. He started talking about my partner and said he’s been married over 30 years now and misses going to places like this as a youngster. He said if it was 20 years ago he’d ‘have had me in the gents bent over in a cubicle’. I rolled my eyes and he said something about how he could always roll back the years if I wanted. I immediately left.

He was drunk, no doubting that. But I was left feeling extremely uncomfortable and now don’t know whether I should report this. It would be my word against his and possible career suicide. Would you say something?

These are always difficult situations. If you report, and hes done similar in the past, then your report is more likely to be believed.

Otherwise yes it is your word against his and it may not end well for you. Companies say the right things all the time but once sonething involves a senior manager who is male (and if they are a top performer) then those words are usually just lip service.

Do you have a colleague you trust that you could speak to?

In this instance I would report because it's factual. So often senior managers play with ambiguity to .ake younger employees feel uncomfortable and like wielding their power.

Here, he point blank said something incredibly offensive. I'm sorry you had to hear it.

And this is why these men get away with this crap. People think it's worse to complain about it than for him to do it. If you think it's so trivial, why do you think he'd be sacked anyway?

I drafted a long, detailed response but really the essence is that no one should be scared of reporting this shit from men. The law is there to stop sexual harassment. I wouldn't brush it off or think he would be mortified when sober: he has only himself to blame and should behave better. As someone senior I would expect him to set an example and not get drunk and sexually proposition colleagues. If he were on my team, I would want to know if his behaviour fell below the standards expected. Let's face it, enough of us manage to get through life without doing it.

It's utterly naïve to think you can get a senior manager sacked and for there to be no blow back on you.

That doesn't make sense. Either the workplace is so stacked in favour of the manager that you could t get them sacked, or it is the kind of workplace where harassment is taken seriously. It has to be one or the other.

I really dont like all these responses saying dont tell

How are we ever going to get these perverts out of power?

I was in a situation like yours.

I went in on Monday and told. I was lucky that another woman had experienced the same. But I went in with the attitude I was not backing down. We do bot go out on a night out to be derided by our workmates...we should know where we stand with them as much as our friends

Unfortunately I've had a few bosses who've been handy...i told every time and I still have a carerr

I got a senior manager sacked and was promoted, so you are wrong.

The problem with this is that for every one of you who found it a laugh to giggle about what Bob from Finance said on a Friday night, there’s another girl or woman out there who isn’t laughing. Bob soon realises no one is going to call him out on his behaviour- not the senior team, not the confident ones climbing the ladder, certainly not the brand new recruits eager to please and progress their careers… ‘oh that’s just Bob! He doesn’t mean anything by it! It’s all just a bit of fun!’

And so when Bob tries something a bit more daring with a member of the team that he senses is a little more vulnerable, he knows no one will bat an eyelid or stand up for her.

It sickens me that my own daughters will be going into workplaces where men are still making vile comments like this and there are still people giving the advice of ‘it’s horrible but there’s nothing you can do, just ignore it.’

Please report it OP- you can be very calm and factual ‘X happened and I wanted it recorded’. If we all did it, every single time, these men might slowly learn they are not welcome- not in our workplaces, not in our bars, not in our lives.

It might be one more in a string of previous complaints.

People often don't report harassing or bullying colleagues, especially managers. They get other jobs, and often say things like it's better pay or better prospects rather than problems with a person - and then when someone does complain, HR says, "no one else has complained," and so they haven't had a picture building up.

Which is why they get away with it.

Hed likely only be sacked if he were already on a warning for similar behaviour. If the behaviour amounted to sexual assault then that would be different. He should be pulled up on it and he can then apologise and change his ways. If he doesn't change his ways and persists with this unacceptable behaviour then it's bye bye sexually harassing senior manager.

Well it depends on the culture at your workplace, whether you have anything to do with this man day-to-day, what your career aspirations are and whether he apologises straightaway. If it were me I would email hr copying him in first thing Monday morning and at the same time start a job search. Though if he apologised whole heartedly before that, I would think twice before hitting send. I think simply leaving straightaway after hearing the abuse was very sensible.

Either way you are likely done, the sickening truth is unless you smile and behave as normal with him like you can’t remember then he is a huge risk tk you and will want you gone,

of course the right answer is to report, with speak to him in second place, but if yoh wish to save your job, then smiling and acting normal is the onky way to go.

sadly women get propositioned in thr work place, it’s shit and the world has not moved on to as enlightened as we would hope.

i know of a senior partner in a law firm, who propositioned a member of staff, a junior lawyer, and other lawyers saw and heard, she complained to hr, but no one is willing to risk their career and back her up, and this is in law. She is looking for another job, had she smiled and acted friendly to him after and done nothing, she’d be happily climbing the ranks,

its shit, but there it is,

Or he will deny it, and the company will find on his side,