Confused nanny

[DublinFemale]

I have recently become a grandmother, first grandchild. There is a step grandchild who is treated as my own also.

My dilemma is I just do not want is too much.

The baby is 10 weeks and I have seen him 4 times.

My son tells me to call up whenever, I am nanny I don’t need an invite. My son is working so it is just my DIL, with GC during day, whom I love

I am staying away as I have read enough threads about MIL invading DIL space if I call up.

AIBU to not visit as my DS is not there even though it means very limited seeing my GC?

There is no background history except the fact that DS was raised in council housing which she looks down on and is genuinely embarrassed by.

what do I do? Kept staying away.

Every relationship is different, so it's hard to give blanket advice. I think it's good if you can be honest with your DIL. I don't think your son should have told you that you can just go whenever though. He doesn't get to decide that works for her time when he's not there.

I would have loved to have had a regular visit with my MIL. I'd want her to be coming to see me though, not just ignore me and come to see baby. I wanted a relationship with my MIL. She just wanted a relationship with my child and for me to become invisible if she was there. As a result, we had no relationship and she rarely saw her grandchild. I wasn't using a significant chunk of my week to organise and facilitate my own exclusion and disregard. I'd suggest develop your relationship with DIL and the relationship with the grandchild will happen naturally out of that (most likely). No guarantees your DIL feels the same way.

Definitely don’t just show up - send a text and ask. My MIL tried showing up and I hated it - always being on edge when she would appear. At 10 weeks I was still adjusting to mum life so she may be the same and actually either want to be in her own or she might welcome the help!