Confused nanny

[DublinFemale]

I have recently become a grandmother, first grandchild. There is a step grandchild who is treated as my own also.

My dilemma is I just do not want is too much.

The baby is 10 weeks and I have seen him 4 times.

My son tells me to call up whenever, I am nanny I don’t need an invite. My son is working so it is just my DIL, with GC during day, whom I love

I am staying away as I have read enough threads about MIL invading DIL space if I call up.

AIBU to not visit as my DS is not there even though it means very limited seeing my GC?

There is no background history except the fact that DS was raised in council housing which she looks down on and is genuinely embarrassed by.

what do I do? Kept staying away.

Don't be led by MN. Not everyone hates their ILs or finds visits from them a burden. Some people actually enjoy spending time with their ILs and want to build close and strong relationships.

You sound like your aware but also I think maybe overthinking a bit.
Message her and arrange a time that's suitable for you both. They will be trying to get into a routine too. If the time you drop stuff by isn't too late or in the middle of bedtime why not ask if you can pop in and ask if they want a particular meal or something bringing? Ask DIL if you can help hold the baby and look after GSC in their house while she gets a nap or a shower.

I would have had zero issue with any of the above from my MIL. Unfortunately when she visited she refused to make even a cup of tea, complained loudly that she didn't like what I had made food wise with a 4 week old baby and would try to pick DS1 up whilst he was sleeping.

Offer to help practically not visit basically.

Truthfully I have read enough threads telling DILs it is the son’s responsibility to ensure he is there.

Ok.

I wonder if you've misunderstood because, whilst I've seen some threads from mothers in law blaming their daughter in law that she doesn't sees the child etc and people pointing out that she should speak to/blame her son, I've not seen any that say its solely the son's responsibility, that the son should always be there or that she can't visit without the son being there. Because thats not how it works in reality.

Do any of you actually communicate properly with each other? I genuinely think this is a miscommunication issue. There are a lot of assumptions being made. You are making assumptions about them and even on this thread people are making assumptions because there is a lack of clarity around what you are saying about. Eg you've explained why you buy nappies every week, do they know that is the reason? Have they asked for this? Or does it just feel like the right thing to do for you?

Were you give a reason for just leaving the nappies etc on the doorstep? Did you ask or just assume its because she doesn't like you?

I asked them what did they want for baby coming they sent pictures. I went with that road.

It's possible they find the nappies thing quite odd. We're they suggesting a gift of a box of nappies as a one off new baby gift and you've decided that its now your weekly responsibility?

Text the DIL to see if see needs any bits picking up or ofere to take the baby for an hour so she can have a bath, practical things. The relationship will come

I would also stop with the leaving the formula and nappies on the doorstep. You're not an Amazon delivery driver. They either get these items themselves or they're gracious enough to invite you in. Expecting you to get these items for your grandchild but not allow you in to see said grandchild is really rude.

With that in mind, I do think you're overthinking things. You've known your DIL for 7 years. She's not a stranger. Just text her and suggest going over one evening after work or at a weekend.

When would it suit you to go round and visit? If you’re at work all week wouldn’t it be easier to try and see them at the weekend?

This.

My exh had an affair. My mil was My greatest support when we split up and came to my dad's funeral with me two weeks after he and I split up because she understood why I didn't want him there but didn't want me to be alone.

We've lost contact over the years for various reasons but I had a long chat with her on the phone a few weeks ago. It was genuinely lovely to speak to her.

OP, don't use threads re dysfunctional relationships between mil and dil as a blueprint for your own. You and your dil are not playing scripted characters. You are your own people amd you build your own relationship.

Expecting you to get these items for your grandchild but not allow you in to see said grandchild is really rude

I don't know if they do expect it. It was on their list of new baby gift suggestions from the sounds of it. The OP continues to do it for her own reasons. She hasn't actually said they expect a weekly delivery. Unless I've completely.missed it!

I think you’re overthinking this. Sounds like you’ve always got on very well with your DiL and she’d probably be glad to hear from/see you.

My exMiL and her mother popped round once a week. Sometimes I’d stay in and see them, sometimes they’d watch DS while I nipped to the supermarket and did the big shop.

They weren’t my favourite people but I never minded them coming. ExP worked a million hours a week, they’d never have seen DS if they waited for him.

Thats unfair. At no point has OP suggested she doesn't see her DiL as a person (what 'whole ass' adds to that I don't know). She is clearly trying to do the right thing by her DiL and not impose. Which is surely perfect MiL behaviour? Honestly mothers of adult married sons can't do right for some. What is that about?

Why can’t you start my just going when your son is there? Speak to them when would be convenient. At least once a week drop in at the weekend sounds reasonable. But them asking you to put stuff on the door step is rude - they could definitely invite you in for a cup of tea and a cuddle. Once he’s older offer to have baby for small amounts of time so DIL or the couple can do things

How old are they? The dropping the nappies and milk off at the door makes them round quite young and not particularly established. The DIL surely should be grateful for the support. I’d message her as suggested above.

Ask her if she wants a bit of free time, go shopping, lunch with a friend, while you sit in with the little ones?

That's very rude of your DIL. Like you are an amazon delivery person!

However, i think if you and DIL never met up independently of your DS before the baby it will take a while to get used to each other. Maybe she doesn't want you dropping unannounced with the nappies in case she's asleep, feeding the baby etc, not that she doesn't like you. Could you ask your son, say you would like to see a but more of your grandchild and you might text DIL to organise a time?

Are you in Dublin? In my experience culturally Ireland is very different to MN land. I definitely think you should have a chat with your DIL and come to an agreement about what works for you both. I loved my MIL dearly and saw her plenty on my own with kids.

Ignore threads on here, there’s odd folk out there. Text her and say you would love to see baby, offer to bring anything she needs or just fancies, ask if she needs help with anything and reassure her that if she needs anything she can text or call you. Not every day but once a week to offer isn’t overkill but accept no too

Are you local? If so as the dil I'd be angry that you'd only seen DGC 4 times - my parents saw more of my DC than that and they lived 200 miles away!

It's acceptable to have a relationship with dil outside the one with your ds. Drop her a message, ask how she is, LIGHTLY mention you haven't wanted to overstep but remember how tricky this period is, and if she fancies some company this week. Take over some lunch or snacks and ask her what jobs you can do whilst you're there.

I was really struggling at 10 weeks and my mil not being involved seriously impacted our relationship - it never recovered and in the end we only really saw her at family events. Such a shame.

She used to stay over regularly-didn't you build up a relationship then?

Are they young parents who are struggling?

My DIL always wants us to visit as much as possible. Even when her own family are visiting from further away ( they are lovely ) . I was like you, didn’t want to over step but both my son and lovely DIL insist, I probably call in lesswhen my son is actually home from work tbh. I always ask before or she invites.I feel very fortunate as we get on very well ( she and our son lived with us for a few months before they managed to buy their home) and i think she wants her beautiful baby to have a close relationship with GPs ( so wonderful for us) Also it’s a bit of help for mum, someone to hold the baby and give her a little break . Not all DILs are dragons ;)

I would ideally see my MIL every 7-10 days at this point, providing that you are happy to come when partner is at work, help/offer help beyond just holding the baby and supportive (especially around feeding and boundaries). If you were only coming to see us when my partner was home, in the limited family time we had post paternity leave, I would want the visits to be less frequent to protect family time

I think you sound like a lovely, considerate Mil! I think the real issue here is that they go and see her parents every weekend, as that would be the ideal time for you to pop in and see them all together.

Maybe talk to your son about that, ask him when would be a good time for you to see him and the baby.

I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t want my MIL visiting just me without my husband home, much as I like her and don’t have any problem with her I’d still find it awkward.

So you work full time and therefore cannot just drop in during the week. You will remember that evenings are the worst with young babies so completely understand why they don't want you dropping round after work.

And do they spend every weekend all weekend at her parents? Which would suggest she is struggling and needs help perhaps. As it is odd to not want to be at home building own routine etc.

Why don't you actually invite them to do something at a weekend? Invite them for lunch and a walk on a Saturday etc.

If you are working full time you can only things at weekends and therefore you need to organise it

I would just wait to be invited. Or arrange a time direct with your son when they’ll both be around and maybe they even want to come visit you. It’s easy for someone to say pop in whenever, when they aren’t the ones home to do all the work of hosting. It sounds like you are a very lovely and considerate nanny.

DIL here - asking to ‘pop in’ same day is a no go. But asking to come over for a few hours, a few days in advance - absolutely yes. Once a week is plenty. My in laws used to come over every other day for hours on end when baby was first born and it was absolute hell, so you’ve actually been really amazing to give her so much (maybe too much) space.

My MIL comes for a full day once a week and if she lived closer I'd have her here all the time!

Just talk to your DIL! Say you don't want to step on her toes but is there anything you could do to help, while also spending time with your GC.

It's pretty appalling that they asked you to drop supplies on the doorstep though.