Confused nanny

[DublinFemale]

I have recently become a grandmother, first grandchild. There is a step grandchild who is treated as my own also.

My dilemma is I just do not want is too much.

The baby is 10 weeks and I have seen him 4 times.

My son tells me to call up whenever, I am nanny I don’t need an invite. My son is working so it is just my DIL, with GC during day, whom I love

I am staying away as I have read enough threads about MIL invading DIL space if I call up.

AIBU to not visit as my DS is not there even though it means very limited seeing my GC?

There is no background history except the fact that DS was raised in council housing which she looks down on and is genuinely embarrassed by.

what do I do? Kept staying away.

Nope - asking to see just her son and the baby without DIL is not okay. Most mums won’t want to be away from their babies at all - and not at all possible if baby is breast fed.

OP if you use MN as the yardstick for what’s normal it won’t be long before you’re in all kinds of trouble !! Just do what you feel is right and be guided by your son and DiL. If you have a good relationship with them you can discuss your desire not to over involve yourself and ask them to let you know if they think you’re over stepping.

I do think the fact you still work full time makes it more complicated because you can't just pop in for an hour in a morning.

So all the advice about arranging with DIL doesn't really apply because any time that you can visit your son will also be there, because otherwise you are both at work

Did you miss the part where I first of all said “see them all together”? I wasn’t suggesting she sees the son separately, just clarifying that she could ask the son when she’ll see him, as apparently he works all week and is away every weekend.

And what about since he moved out?

Do you have a relationship with her? Or is all contact through your son?

My advice is to offer to help, and not just in a vague "oh if there's anything I can do" kind of way... better to offer more concrete stuff eg take the older child to the park, do the school run, or get them some bits from the shop, or sit in with her baby (if she's comfortable with that yet) while DiL goes out to do what she wants.

I'm sorry that you feel she doesn't like you. I hope you'll be able to gradually bond with her and that she appreciates that you care.

What's the meaning of ' a whole ass person ' I've heard babies being called a whole ass baby on TV and am confused !

How is not ok? Babies are as much their dad's as their mums. My mum saw me without my husband present, it's the same for my husband. My husband took both our kids as babies wirhout me to see his parents as babies. I was glad of the break!

So did you just offer the nappies and formula? Are you sure they're using them and DiL isn't breast feeding (vast majority of mothers breastfeed for the first 6 weeks and over a quarter exclusively breastfeed until weaning starts) or using washable nappies? I don't want to sound harsh about a generous and clearly lovely offer, but if they have different plans or aren't struggling for money, this may have come across as a bit tone deaf.

Obviously I don't know how you offered it. You may have asked what would be useful and they said nappies and formula without prompting. Or you may have suggested to them to your DS when he hadn't even talked to his wife about plans and he just agreed so he didn't have to engage (which is the impression you gave of him in your first post). But it's something to add in to the mix if you don't know that they use them.

Due to husband's mental health, my MIL only saw our son once in 2.5 weeks after he was born, even though she lived nearer than my parents. I was in survival mode and spent a lot of time at my mum's house.

She also offered to come over once week with her husband to help out and I was really wary because I felt I'd have to entertain them. It was my mum who told me not to turn down help.

And MIL was wonderful, in later years I saw her more than her son did. Always there to help, never judgemental. She was like a second mum to me, huge source of support.

But the nappy and formula on the doorstep sounds rude. Even if OP has carried on dropping it off voluntarily they should call her up and invite her over. Particularly if they both used to stay with OP regularly - hopefully they're just adjusting to having a newborn but long term it's ungrateful to just shut her out now.

I think its a bit rude theyve told you to leave nappies and wipes at door, like a delivery driver...

Sounds like you all spent time together fine before. Maybe mum is struggling since baby with hormones etc.

Can you invite them for lunch or dinner at yours so they dont have to cook or do dishes at home.

Can you text her and say you'd like to swing by to see her and the baby, when is best for her?

I think sitting and waiting to be asked is not good tactic, mum be adjusting to baby life and shouldnt be responsible for arranging you. You should offer as a prompt and let her tell you from there.

What about a family walk in park at weekend or you, mum and baby at library baby session if your library has anything like that. During week be lots on offer but if your working full time its tricky to align schedules.

I dont believe that you are confused.

It's not an expression that I would use but I understand what people who do use it mean by it.

It's also clear from the context.

The answer to your question is in the post you quoted.

Yes children are as much their dad’s as their mum’s but particularly in the newborn period/first year (this baby is only 10 weeks old!) they are physically bonded to the mother so much more, particularly if breastfeeding and assuming the mum is at home with the baby all day every day while dad is at work (as is the case in this situation, and the majority of others).

Just remove the “ass” - the meaning is the same. It’s just a figure of speech (not one I use myself) to add emphasis to the point of being whole/completely/totally.

You're letting yourself be treated badly.

It's not ok to get you to buy things but not even come in for a cup of tea.

If you want to see them (TBH, I wouldn't!), invite them over at the weekend. Who cares that they usually go to her parents, have you ever even asked them over? If they say no, ask when does suit them.

And stop behaving like a delivery driver, no one will have respect for you if you don't have self respect

Id be talking directly to DIL and keeping g it light something like, 'hi, can i pop over this week sometime. What is good time for you? Do you need a hand with or anything bringing over?
I would never turn up unexpectedly, I dont do that to my own ( adult) children and they have no kids.

I wouldnt be leaving formula on the doorstep though, that is just rude of dil.

I disagree, If you live near by this isn’t much at all. It would make me sad if my in-laws only came that many times.

i agree with others. Text her to find a time that is suitable. Once a week is reasonable. Possibly twice a week if you only stay for a short time when you visit. (And when you come either offer to do something helpful or bring your DIL a coffee or a snack of something is an extra nice touch.)

signed a mum whose in-laws live 7mins drive away and husband wouldn’t be at home when she visits.

Honestly, in your shoes I would be very hurt to have to leave formula and nappies on the doorstep. I don't think popping in once a week is too much to ask when you are being so generous. I would get the supplies and then message to say you have them and when is a good time to pop in and see your GC. Hopefully, that way you get to see them when they are awake. Alternatively, get them and just call round. If baby is asleep or fractious you can use the time to do something nice for your DIL - take the baby, wash the dishes, hang out a load of washing etc. I think 15-30 mins spent on helping your DIL put her feet up would really help build your relationship. You sound sensitive enough to not overstay your welcome so I think you need to put yourself forward a bit more. Hanging back and not seeing your GC/DIL carries it's own risks of being seen as disinterested. I hope your DIL realises she has got a very nice MIL!

You sound lovely @DublinFemale

You seem concerned you don’t see your GC enough and don’t feel comfortable seeing them without DS and then drop in that you work FT. When are you meant to see them? Can you not arrange with DS a day after work to stop in for a cuppa? Or maybe you bring them or have them round for dinner? You obviously won’t be spending loads of time with them whilst she’s on mat leave if you’re working everyday! Not sure what you’re expecting to be different?

Could you offer something helpful like to watch baby while she has a shower or if she's not keen on that to make dinner or empty dishwasher etc..beint around will build up your relationship with dil and grandchild

Thank you. I hadn't read the "sent pictures" as meaning pictures of their wishlist, though now you say it, I can see it.