Confused nanny

[DublinFemale]

I have recently become a grandmother, first grandchild. There is a step grandchild who is treated as my own also.

My dilemma is I just do not want is too much.

The baby is 10 weeks and I have seen him 4 times.

My son tells me to call up whenever, I am nanny I don’t need an invite. My son is working so it is just my DIL, with GC during day, whom I love

I am staying away as I have read enough threads about MIL invading DIL space if I call up.

AIBU to not visit as my DS is not there even though it means very limited seeing my GC?

There is no background history except the fact that DS was raised in council housing which she looks down on and is genuinely embarrassed by.

what do I do? Kept staying away.

Sorry it should be My dilemma is how much is too much?

Ring her beforehand to see if you can drop by?

Why don't you ask your dil if you can pop in, rather than go through your son?

Truthfully I have read enough threads telling DILs it is the son’s responsibility to ensure he is there.

He can’t be there during day and they go to her parents every weekend.

Why don't you text her?
Asking if you can pop by on a certain day, maybe give her a couple of options.
That way, you're not catching on the hop and she can respond how she sees fit.
Her response should give you some indication of how she feels about you coming by.

I loved my MIL to come around then I was home with the babies.

MNs isn't a 100% truth about life.

Talk to her like an adult? She's a whole ass person not just an incubator

She may be wondering why you are not dropping in, with warning obviously, it would seem strange to me that you wouldn't come unless her DH was there.

Text her. Hi, could I pop in for an hour this morning, or tomorrow? If she says yes, stay for exactly an hour, play with the baby and ask if you can help with any jobs. It should be fine.

I think just text her and say you’d like to see her, is there a good time to pop by or meet for a coffee? Maybe offer to bring some food??

do you get on with her?

I much prefer people booking a time and checking rather than dropping by unannounced

Well don't start trying to hang out with her every day if you rarely spoke before the baby but you could try phoning her like she's another adult instead of going through your son.

Offer to bring lunch or take her and baby out for cake and coffee. Be available at whatever time works for her current schedule. Be friendly and hang out for an hour or so. Build it up if it goes well. Such a young baby, she probably isn't doing tons of groups yet so filling the days can be a bit of a slow. She may be quite happy with a weekly morning catch up or so.

10 weeks is in the nightmare time! I’d suggest saying to DIL I’d love to come see you Wednesday or Thursday can you tell me what time works for you … then expect to be told at short notice. My children were a nightmare, feeding, sleeping and me relaxing at random times, I never for the whole making my baby work around my schedule and that kinda worked for us! So don’t expect a certain time just say I’ll meet you for coffee at XYZ or come to you and bring snacks/biscuits etc and just stay a short time

Four times in ten weeks seems a normal amount/quite a lot. Obviously, you need to call or message suggesting some days or times. You can’t just turn up. Why do you think you don’t need an invite? That’s a bit odd. And why does it make any difference if you’re a nanny or not?

Meanwhile, in real life, adults sort their own arrangements.

I see my PIL way more than DH does. Especially and more so when babies were born.

forge your own relationship with your DIL, not one reliant on anyone else. If they are going to her parents every weekend she is perhaps open to help?

I'd just message and randomly ask she may think your not as interested as she would want you to be and if she didn't want to see you she could make up an excuse why you shouldn't go.

I was paranoid about not overstepping when my first DGS was born. I subsequently found out that my DIL thought I wasn’t interested in being involved, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Thankfully we both made overtures over the months and now, years later, we couldn’t be closer. My advice would be to ask her if there’s anything you can do to help, if she fancies meeting up
for a coffee, if you can pop round with a coffee and a cake etc and hope things develop from there.

Can you simply be honest with DinL? Can you arrange Togo over and say directly to her that you’d love to help but don’t want to crowd her or step on her toes. So tell her you’re happy to by led by her. If she doesn’t suggest anything you could suggest going once a week to start with and let her know what you could do to help.

I'm not really sure it's up to your son to say just call round whenever because you are nanny!

Do you already have a good relationship with your DIL?

Do you take an interest in her as well when you visit?

How limiting is it to visit when your son is also there?

What jumps out at me is that they go to her parents every weekend. Why don't they come to you at the weekend? I understand it is hard to feel you can just drop in on DIL during the week because not everyone likes this.

On the other hand DS has indicated that popping in any time is welcome and perhaps that is genuinely the case.

In terms of frequency, weekly is probably reasonable on both sides as a minimum. But yes start by talking to DS and explain you feel awkward calling in uninvited and what does he suggest. Is there something you could do to help DIL out that could become a bit of a routine way of seeing them?

This is spot on advice!

Just message her. My mum used to come to me on one day, and my SIL another day each week. My SIL loved it. It gave her time to shower, wash her hair, eat a hot meal without baby attached to her. As she got more comforting, my mum would take the little one in the pram for a few hours each week. My SIL really appreciated that time.

I work full time, so I don’t have huge amounts of free time.

there is an arrangement where I get nappies and formula every week and drop them up. I was asked at start to leave them at the doorstep which I respect.

That is my answer isn’t it, she just doesn’t like me, I need to accept this is the way it is

4 times is less than once a fortnight that's not a lot for someone who lives nearby.
Don't think OP is saying she's a nanny; that's what she is to the child (ie Granny/Nanny)

How much did you see the dil before the baby came?

You’re reading too much into it Op. people get annoyed with MIL when they pop round daily, criticise the mother, take over the baby, expect to be waited on etc. as long as you don’t do those things then you’ll be fine!