Confused nanny

[DublinFemale]

I have recently become a grandmother, first grandchild. There is a step grandchild who is treated as my own also.

My dilemma is I just do not want is too much.

The baby is 10 weeks and I have seen him 4 times.

My son tells me to call up whenever, I am nanny I don’t need an invite. My son is working so it is just my DIL, with GC during day, whom I love

I am staying away as I have read enough threads about MIL invading DIL space if I call up.

AIBU to not visit as my DS is not there even though it means very limited seeing my GC?

There is no background history except the fact that DS was raised in council housing which she looks down on and is genuinely embarrassed by.

what do I do? Kept staying away.

I love my MIL. Not all are awful and many DIL love the support abd company. Ask her when you can pop in for an hour or so to give her chance to get a shower etc. or if there’s any particular time she’d like help.

Yeah I mean you sound like my mil, probs not as bad. Forgot my DS 1st birthday have seen 2.5yr old and just over 1 year old a handful of times. My parents see them pretty much everyday, granted they live 10mins away, she lives 45mins away, but still, never messages me to ask how they are, anything. If you want a relationship you need to do more, it’s not on your DIL to facilitate the relationship between you and your grandchild. It’s on you and your son so please don’t use her as the excuse.

Ok, I take the point about nanny. I really thought she meant she was a nanny-childminder and therefore great with babies. I still think eight times is a lot. It’s every week and a half.

As the OP works full-time, any suggestions of dropping in during the day aren’t likely to work, unless she does shifts, of course.

Many a new mother is going to be keener to see her own parents/mum rather than her husband’s. It’s a normal dynamic.

The OP saying that the DIL clearly doesn’t like her makes her sound a bit dramatic and extreme.

That's really silly if the son is working and she's not!
I never expected family to ring my husband, disturbing him at work, when I was just home with the babies. Once you get married, you're all family, and I always knew I would look after my MIL just as much as my mum. She is the mother of the man I love, so it's important to care about her and get a good relationship going, and she should be able to message (better than phoning) and arrange to see her grandchildren, whether she's related through a male or a female!
But talk to her, and ask what she wants.

Your grandson's mum looks down in the fact your son was brought up in a council house? Really? And yet she let him knock her up.

That's what she's been asked to do: "My son tells me to call up whenever..."

Why can't you have a conversation with her? Dear DIL, I would love to see new baby regularly and give you a bit of a break too, but I appreciate you will want your own space. If I came by on Tuesdays for xx hours regularly would that be alright? I'm happy to wash up, tidy or take him off your hands for an hour - whatever you need. Let me know what works for you, MIL.

Text, or phone ahead, asking if you can maybe come round (ideally a minimum of 24hours notice). To sweeten the deal, maybe ask if there's any shopping she would like picked up, or any way you can help her/lighten her load (maybe she could do with someone helping doing a light clean of the kitchen, or even offering her a cup of tea?).
Not all DiL OR MiL are awkward twats.

What?! That’s horrible. Why should you?

If you and your DIL don't get on then it probably is best to visit when your son is there. Can you not go at the weekend?

Before they moved into together last year. She would stay over every week, come for dinner and stay. It was worked around her older child school usually Sunday or Monday leaving early to get other GC to school.

They are together 7 years. DS stayed with her in her parents one night gradually building up to 2 nights.

Moved into together last year.

What is your relationship like with your daughter in law? Are you a good friend to her, do you cheer her on and praise her to others? Do you make an effort with her, for instance thoughtful gifts, bringing her favourite foods or treats when you visit?

I have five sons and no daughters - I've made an effort to get to know my DILs and be a good friend to them, treat them as I would my sons. They're both lovely women. I hope that when they do have children that I will be welcome and I will do all I can to support them.

Don’t just turn up, ask dil if there is a good time for you to go. Offer to look after the baby whilst she does something either in or out of the house and she might be very grateful:

If you can only visit in the evening or weekends, and they visit the DIL’s parents at the weekends, that really only leaves the evening, and I assume they’ll be settling the baby to sleep then. So that is a bit tricky.

I think buying the nappies and formula for them is better than any “thoughtful” gifts. And even then they still don’t invite her in.

She sounds absolutely nothing like your MIL. She’s here actively asking what she should do because she wants to help. There’s nothing to suggest she’ll forget her GC’s first birthday or only see the GC a “handful” of times.

if you’ve been on MN for any time you’ll know that most people say to the DIL to let the son deal with MIL and manage the meetings etc. I’m sorry your husband/partner hasn't facilitated that relationship for your children.

I don't think she means that - can also mean "call up to the house"

My ILs didn't really do much when I was on mat leave, but my husbands grandad asked if I'd like to go to a cafe with him, we went every Tuesday for lunch and he'd drive. I absolutely loved having a catch up with him whilst spending time with his great grandson. It was organised in advance and suited all. He was a absolute gem of a man, and it made my lonely weeks have a bit of structure and we'd chat away.

I'd reach out and say, how are you doing? How's baby? Id love to regularly spend time with you both, is there a time/day that would suit you? Would you like me to come to you for a brew or we could go out together?
Reach out it may be surprise you 🥰❤️

Start building your own relationship with the DIL. Treat it as you would a friendship. Call to see if you could pop round to see the baby, and whilst there begin getting to know DIL without your son there.

She hardly looks down on ‘council estate’ as she wouldn’t have got and stayed with your son. I think this is all in your head. Move past this and begin bonding. Small bursts at first. Be helpful when there.

Sociable guy, you were lucky. Probably helped him a huge amount too.

My MIL will say “let me know when you’re up for a visit and we’ll get our diaries out and find a date”.

i like that as it puts the ball in my court but isn’t too much pressure/having to run around to clean up last minute if she tells me she’s dropping by.

Honestly the fondest memories, and he'd always listen and try buy gadgets to help with parenting, like formula containers. He passed away and my son recalls so much about him and he was 2. We all miss him so much! ❤️ I always try to be like him for other new parents xx

Your son says you don’t need an invite so just call in, also invite them to yours on a weekend just keep inviting them even if they say no, do t just meekly go off into the night. There is nothing wrong with wanting to invite your family over as long as you don’t use it for means of control or to be unkind when they are there. You don’t want them to turn around in 5 years and say well you never invited us and by this time it would be too late.

That’s a bit cheeky. That would be an ideal time to pop in and see the baby.

You’re working full time, you aren’t going to see the baby that much. You’re going to have completely different routines.