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Why do so many mums ditch their childfree friends?

284 replies

Sishirunak70 · Yesterday 08:19

Especially when those friends are accommodating, take an interest in your child/children and willing to work around you?
Why do you now only associate with other Mums and think that they 'just won't get it?'

Why do you let them disappear from your life since you became a mother? Whilst I understand it's hard, it's not impossible.
There are far too many martyrs around who believe they're the only person to have ever given birth, everything must now revolve around them and that nobody else can ever be tired or busy, except for them.

OP posts:
Acommonwomble · Yesterday 15:36

MrsShawnHatosy · Yesterday 15:15

There are plenty of positive things said about mothers and motherhood too. About being childfree, as part of general public discourse, not so much. Our lives are, as many posters have pointed out, generally seen as inconsequential and trivial.

This is pretty much what I was wanting to say. I've been very lucky it seems, in that all of my friends with kids are still close friends now. When the kids were small we changed what we did and I was perfectly ok with that. Equally they didn't treat me as lesser or inconsequential or some sort of sad being to be pitied! I did care about their kids and hearing about them because they were important to them (and they still asked about my stuff) Sure, maybe I didn't care that much about baby's feeding routine but I listened because it was important to them. Equally they probably didn't care that much about my latest holiday or hobby, but ditto. It's called respect and friendship. You don't need to be exactly the same as someone and interested in all the same things to love them.

I do think what a lot of people are failing to realise however is the grinding, constant judgement and implied criticism child-free women experience all the time. It does make you more sensitive to saying 'oh I'm tired!' if you just get someone rolling their eyes at you (saying that, I'd drop any so called friend who was unkind enough to do that, or who couldn't separate my experience from hers...). Maybe we aren't as bone crushingly tired as a mother, but so what? One of us made one choice (and in most circumstances it is a choice) and one of us made another. It's not a competition or a race to the bottom.

I also think though that mothers also experience constant criticism. How they parent, etc etc. and that's also unfair. Maybe we should all just be a bit more tolerant and understanding and stop putting everyone into boxes based on whether they have offspring or not...

Timeforachange26 · Yesterday 15:44

IStillHearTheWaves · Yesterday 13:28

Not everyone is the same. I have a job with a long commute - I can't go out during the week any more and get up at 5am. That's being middle aged, children are irrelevant!

I'm 55 . I can go out in the week and still get up. I'm hardly got my cup of Cocoa and slippers on at 9 pm

Timeforachange26 · Yesterday 15:50

TheAmberKoala · Yesterday 13:45

Little kids yes. But when they are older there are a lot of sports and other activities that take up a lot of time driving them around. I still go out, but one night a week, not 3.

That's a choice. Why do they get to go out 6 nights and you only one?

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 15:51

Timeforachange26 · Yesterday 15:50

That's a choice. Why do they get to go out 6 nights and you only one?

Be careful, you'll get told children have to go to all these activities and that any parent who doesn't do all this ferrying about is cruel and not being a good parent 😏

mindutopia · Yesterday 16:00

Didn’t ditch any childfree friends. We had babies years before our friends did. We still had them over for weekends and dinner parties. We still went for weekends away. The only close friend I’ve drifted from has a personality disorder (like genuinely) and a drinking problem. I’m more in my 8am cup of tea phase of life than shots and crying in some bar bathroom phase of life. So we keep in vague touch, but don’t hang out anymore.

IStillHearTheWaves · Yesterday 16:03

Timeforachange26 · Yesterday 15:44

I'm 55 . I can go out in the week and still get up. I'm hardly got my cup of Cocoa and slippers on at 9 pm

Good for you, I can't get by on 5 hrs sleep any more several nights a week on weekdays! Doesn't mean I'm in bed by 9pm 🙄

Sishirunak70 · Yesterday 16:04

PoloThePolarBear · Yesterday 13:49

I agree that childless people can be just as busy, but it’s rare that they’re as busy with things that they actually have to do.

They’re busy with jobs, hobbies, social life and interests, but if they’re ever feeling tired or not in the mood they can just skip it.

I’m sure there are childless people who are as tired and busy, for example if they are caring for family members who need a lot of help, but that’s an unusual situation.

Mums don’t have a monopoly on tiredness but in general it’s a much bigger issue for parents than for non-parents, I think that’s just factual and no reason to be annoyed by it tbh!

Not true, they may have other caring responsibilities or illness/disability. Not all choices they can just 'skip'. Also, not sure you can just 'skip' work if you've got bills to pay..

OP posts:
Timeforachange26 · Yesterday 16:06

IStillHearTheWaves · Yesterday 16:03

Good for you, I can't get by on 5 hrs sleep any more several nights a week on weekdays! Doesn't mean I'm in bed by 9pm 🙄

Never said you were. . But don't tar everyone with being unable to do stuff

Sishirunak70 · Yesterday 16:07

I've noticed a very sneery tone from some parents on here, quite smug actually, about childless friends who are also single and not all settled in their little family like they are.

Lots of reference to 'going on about terrible dates, crying over some bloke'. It's so obvious..

OP posts:
Timeforachange26 · Yesterday 16:09

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 15:51

Be careful, you'll get told children have to go to all these activities and that any parent who doesn't do all this ferrying about is cruel and not being a good parent 😏

I can easily ignore that lol.

My kids managed to get themselves to stuff once secondary school age. Before that was only brownies/ cubs once a week.

They are perfectly normal adults now

Boomer55 · Yesterday 16:12

Sishirunak70 · Yesterday 08:19

Especially when those friends are accommodating, take an interest in your child/children and willing to work around you?
Why do you now only associate with other Mums and think that they 'just won't get it?'

Why do you let them disappear from your life since you became a mother? Whilst I understand it's hard, it's not impossible.
There are far too many martyrs around who believe they're the only person to have ever given birth, everything must now revolve around them and that nobody else can ever be tired or busy, except for them.

Childless people quickly get bored hearing about others peoples offspring. New parents gel better with other parents. . Just different lives. 🤷‍♀️

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · Yesterday 16:13

theneighbourgotmycake · Yesterday 11:52

Yes, it is a choice.

Technically kids just need food, water and a shelter. Being a parent is providing more than basic needs 😂

No parent needs to spend every weekend stood by a football pitch in the pissing rain for years on end. It's a choice.
refusing to take your kids to sport because you are lazy is not great parenting let's be honest, they like football, you encourage football. Sport is essential in life.and you buy a dry robe and make friends with other parents

*this stream of constant activities for kids is very new - it absolutely isn't "just being a parent"
It really isn't. My parents were doing exactly the same. Sport competitions and tournaments are not a new thing, we had them at the weekend and training during the week. Kids have always done sport/ music/ foreign language/ art/ drama, it's not a modern fad

I don't know why people act like it's a recent thing for kids to have interests

I agree, it is a choice. I actually like spending time with my children and encouraging their interests. I love watching their games, and as they’re getting older, there are a lot of things we all do together. For anyone to suggest that I’m gritting my teeth and getting through it just because I think that’s what I’m supposed to do, I think that’s a bizarre way of thinking.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · Yesterday 16:16

PoloThePolarBear · Yesterday 13:49

I agree that childless people can be just as busy, but it’s rare that they’re as busy with things that they actually have to do.

They’re busy with jobs, hobbies, social life and interests, but if they’re ever feeling tired or not in the mood they can just skip it.

I’m sure there are childless people who are as tired and busy, for example if they are caring for family members who need a lot of help, but that’s an unusual situation.

Mums don’t have a monopoly on tiredness but in general it’s a much bigger issue for parents than for non-parents, I think that’s just factual and no reason to be annoyed by it tbh!

I think that’s right - and that’s why looking after children or other relatives who need care is in a different league to other kids of work / being “busy”

You simply can’t be ill or tired and make a decision to look after yourself when you’re tired. You always have to keep going and so saving your energy where you can becomes so important.

In answer to the OP, though, I think it’s a “people just drift” thing. Or perhaps they think you won’t be interested in baby related chat!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · Yesterday 16:17

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · Yesterday 16:13

I agree, it is a choice. I actually like spending time with my children and encouraging their interests. I love watching their games, and as they’re getting older, there are a lot of things we all do together. For anyone to suggest that I’m gritting my teeth and getting through it just because I think that’s what I’m supposed to do, I think that’s a bizarre way of thinking.

I think something can be a choice and important at the same time.

Sishirunak70 · Yesterday 16:21

Floatlikeafeather2 · Yesterday 09:24

The difference is that people with no children are busy because they want to be and people with children are busy because they have to be.

Absolutely not true..

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · Yesterday 16:21

Sishirunak70 · Yesterday 16:07

I've noticed a very sneery tone from some parents on here, quite smug actually, about childless friends who are also single and not all settled in their little family like they are.

Lots of reference to 'going on about terrible dates, crying over some bloke'. It's so obvious..

Anyone saying that is clearly being very narrow minded and unkind - they would have been the ones “crying over some bloke” at other stages in their life in order to get to the married with children stage.

But I guess it’s always important to have friends in the same boat as you/ same life stage in order for them to properly understand what you’re going through and be able to empathise.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · Yesterday 16:22

Timeforachange26 · Yesterday 16:09

I can easily ignore that lol.

My kids managed to get themselves to stuff once secondary school age. Before that was only brownies/ cubs once a week.

They are perfectly normal adults now

But all kids are different. It depends whether and which hobbies are important to them how much you have to do.

theneighbourgotmycake · Yesterday 16:23

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 15:51

Be careful, you'll get told children have to go to all these activities and that any parent who doesn't do all this ferrying about is cruel and not being a good parent 😏

if you are selfish because you can't be bothered to take your kids to activities, at least own it.

It's not a coincidence that parents who do the least for the kids, do the least themselves 😂

Slumgullion · Yesterday 16:23

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · Yesterday 16:21

Anyone saying that is clearly being very narrow minded and unkind - they would have been the ones “crying over some bloke” at other stages in their life in order to get to the married with children stage.

But I guess it’s always important to have friends in the same boat as you/ same life stage in order for them to properly understand what you’re going through and be able to empathise.

And, frankly, judging by the Relationships board on here, having children with a bloke is absolutely no guarantee that you won’t be crying over his behaviour.

PoloThePolarBear · Yesterday 16:35

Sishirunak70 · Yesterday 16:04

Not true, they may have other caring responsibilities or illness/disability. Not all choices they can just 'skip'. Also, not sure you can just 'skip' work if you've got bills to pay..

Edited

Yes, I did actually say that some people are just as busy as mums eg if they are also a carer. But that is unusual.

And yes of course you can take sick leave from work, even if you have bills to pay. Ultimately if you’re too sick to work you can get benefits. But you can’t ever skip parenting, it carries on regardless of how ill you are.

SouthLondonMum22 · Yesterday 16:39

Boomer55 · Yesterday 16:12

Childless people quickly get bored hearing about others peoples offspring. New parents gel better with other parents. . Just different lives. 🤷‍♀️

I'd say just different people.

I'm a parent and I quickly get bored if someone does very little but talk about their DC.

cannynotsay · Yesterday 16:48

Maybe they don’t want to be friends with you. Sometimes people who haven’t got kids can be super insufferable to talk too. You never will get it, it’s relentless especially the more we have. If you’re that good a friend they will make time for you x

Mary46 · Yesterday 17:03

Yes good to have friends. Maybe sometimes they no babysitter that would be harder. I always liked getting out. Can be full on with kids at home

sherbetlemonade · Yesterday 17:08

Most of my childfree friends skipped gaily off into the sunset without a backward glance.

MCF86 · Yesterday 17:35

Sishirunak70 · Yesterday 16:04

Not true, they may have other caring responsibilities or illness/disability. Not all choices they can just 'skip'. Also, not sure you can just 'skip' work if you've got bills to pay..

Edited

You do know parents often have jobs and illnesses too, right?