Why do so many mums ditch their childfree friends?

[Sishirunak70]

Especially when those friends are accommodating, take an interest in your child/children and willing to work around you?
Why do you now only associate with other Mums and think that they 'just won't get it?'

Why do you let them disappear from your life since you became a mother? Whilst I understand it's hard, it's not impossible.
There are far too many martyrs around who believe they're the only person to have ever given birth, everything must now revolve around them and that nobody else can ever be tired or busy, except for them.

I agree that childless people can be just as busy, but it’s rare that they’re as busy with things that they actually have to do.

They’re busy with jobs, hobbies, social life and interests, but if they’re ever feeling tired or not in the mood they can just skip it.

I’m sure there are childless people who are as tired and busy, for example if they are caring for family members who need a lot of help, but that’s an unusual situation.

Mums don’t have a monopoly on tiredness but in general it’s a much bigger issue for parents than for non-parents, I think that’s just factual and no reason to be annoyed by it tbh!

Seconding this - completely depends on the kind of baby you get and the jobs you and your partner have, if you have a partner. My DH is very supportive but works all the time, evenings and weekends even though he does loads round the house. He doesn't get to go out even once a week and neither do I, though we make sure we can each do the odd evening. DS still doesn't sleep through the night at 19mo, still having one breastfeed a night almost totally weaned.

Meanwhile one of the friends I mentioned who's almost disappeared has had a baby but v different experience, left baby with her MIL all the time, went on nights out, on a hen do abroad... It's just not been possible for me at all. But I don't think everyone gets the nuances of how babies and experiences are different until they've had their own.

Another example, my best mate kept being really judgemental about things like me not using reusable nappies because she's anti plastic, me planning around DS's naps because I was desperate for him to hopefully sleep more at night. She had no idea until I told her how expensive new reusable nappies are, that Terry cloth nappies require a plastic cover and fastener, all the cons that I found when I researched them re our specific situation eg no tumble dryer, trying to do less laundry on lower temps with more eco friendly detergent. Sometimes well-meaning people think they have more of the picture than they really do.

You sound absolutely insufferable.

The former is normal parenting, the latter is a choice.

No offence, but you said you are child free, so who are you to say what normal parenting is?

It’s like someone who has never worked before, making judgments on what is normal in the workplace.

Taking your child to their preferred sport every week is normal parenting. It’s completely normal to choose to prioritise your child’s wellbeing and happiness by consistently showing up for them at 9am every Saturday (or whatever their schedule is) so that they can play football with their team.

Attitudes like yours are exactly why some mums ditch their child free friends.

During the week, I simply have a DH who is capable of putting his own DC to bed leaving me free to go out if I want to.

Not true - it’s just me and my husband living in a different country to our families so not got support except tag teaming as a couple

my evenings out don’t cost much - a swim with a friend or the gym, dropping round to hers, sitting in the park with a bottle of wine in the summer, watching a film (cinema or round at theirs)

my job I work 8.30-4.30 and have to do nursery pick up etc so home 5.30ish most days - rushing about then I run out the door once husband gets in with bigger school child 🤷‍♀️

I just make it that I really value my free time so I make sure I can have some

i do some evenings solo and husband does some solo so we each get some time to ourselves

Well, I may not be a parent but I have lots of friends with children and (unsurprisingly) I was a child once myself and all these activities and 9am sports matches weren't the norm for me or my friends, and aren't really the norm amongst my friends children either.

Yes, some take their kids to football or whatever every week, but they're very much in the minority where we live. Maybe it's because I live in an area without much disposable income or amenities, but most kids here spend their weekends at the beach, at the park, riding bikes or out on dog walks up the woods.

I've also never been ditched by my friends with kids, so my "attitude" clearly isn't an issue for anyone I know.

It is true for that poster. I didn't say it is for you.
But even so, not everyone works a 9-5. If I waited for DH to run through the door, I wouldn't be out until 9pm and I'd need to be up again at 6. Everyone's circumstances are the same.

Wow speak for yourself - I have kids and I can still muster up some interest in things other than them!! We're not all just "obsessed" with our kids and frankly I find that weird when people are tbh

Friends are overrated. There are very few people with true friends these days I reckon. Many put a lot of effort into maintaining friendships but it can disappear overnight as I'm sure many can attest, myself included.

I have no kids, I have people I know with kids that were once good "friends". I am holding my hand up to say that it was MY decision to let things drift as quite frankly I meet friends for a chat, a laugh, to gossip, the usual, but I found the talk from the mums was incessantly about the kids and I had enough. My choice and I think things would have drifted anyway. Lives go in different directions and people have different priorities as kids arrive.

That's my reality anyway. And it's just life isn't it?

You might not have intended this but this is how a lot of women come across when they have kids : my life is now meaningful and yours no longer is.

Actually plenty childless and childfree people have meaningful conversations and their lives are completely devoid of interest because they don’t have kids.

Exactly.

It's a reason why my childfree friends are so valuable. The assumption just because I'm a mum (especially from other mums) can often be that I want to do nothing but talk about my kids and as wonderful as they are, sometimes I want to talk about anything but them. I want to be 'me' for even just a few hours, not 'mum'.

This.

I was the last by a while in my friendship group to have children but they never abandoned me and the friendships never suffered at all. Yes we had to do different things and often the children came so we did things they’d enjoy but I was happy to do that. We still had plenty of wine nights but they just took much more notice to plan. Good friendships won’t die because of children but you can’t expect the dynamic to stay exactly the same either.

Absolutely this.

There are far to many mature around who believe they’re the only person to have ever given birth, evening must not revolve around them and that nobody else can ever be tired or busy

Maybe it’s your less than empathetic attitude towards them? I don’t think I’m more tired than anyone else, but if I said “I’m so tired” to a friend and they had an attitude of “🙄 you’re not the only one who’s tired you know!” I’d distance myself.

you know you are unreasonable, and it's understandable when you struggle with infertility. You are putting everyone in the same bag, and seeing a personal attack everywhere.

The comment about heaven/hell and the afterlife come on. I have kids, but I would still have laughed or rolled my eyes and never see that nutcase again 😂

Some comments were insensitive by people trying to be supportive. Badly expressed, but not a personal attack.

My in laws always expect my husband and I to stay at family gatherings to clean up. just say no?

There was a thread yesterday about how parents should have priority EVERY YEAR for Christmas holidays at work. Non parents should just accept they need to work every Christmas.
You are unfair, Most of the posters, and most of them parents, could not have been more clear that it was ridiculously stupid and unfair to say that!

Online there’s been various versions of
online there's various versions of anything. Stop taking personally the ones you decide to be offended against.
There are also non stop negative comments about mothers, parents and women deciding to have kids. Why are you ignoring those?

You are free to be angry and resentful against the world, but it's a shame.

I had this. A particular friend told me that her life was all about play dates and mum friends. This was at a time when I was going through infertility treatment. It prompted me to make new friends, and I'm really happy now.

There are plenty of positive things said about mothers and motherhood too. About being childfree, as part of general public discourse, not so much. Our lives are, as many posters have pointed out, generally seen as inconsequential and trivial.

Not a goady post at all! 🤣🤣🤣
This is very simple, they are just extremely busy. I’m not saying they are necessarily busier than a child free person, but the schedule
is a lot less flexible. For example it doesn’t suit me to meet a friend after work for a walk because I’m doing family stuff then. Weekends aren’t much better because of kid activities and family time. I can, however, meet at lunch on a week day.

I have a former colleague (child-free) who just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t available to talk on the phone at 5pm (it worked for her because she had finished work then, but not for me obviously). She also didn’t want to talk on the phone later at night because she wanted to go to bed early. She used to complain about a friend of hers who wouldn’t take calls on the weekends. This friend had three small kids, so week days were definitely easier for her.

So yeah, an easy question to answer. We are running very tight schedules.

Of course it's not true.

You have decided to be blind to everything about women ruining their looks, their body, their career, their professional prospects, their future, their relationships by having kids 😂
How selfish it is to have kids, how we are destroying the planet and so on..

Stay away from parenting forum, where people try to support parents, a lot of them who are really struggling. Of course it's open to everyone, but it's the last place where you should be told that you ruined and wasted your life by having kids! It's trying to support parents...

It's still a forum FOR PARENTS even if it's used by anyone and everyone. There's a tone to the discussions.

As someone who was out of sync with my group, busy with career in late 20s, I found them sometimes almost embarrassed for being mumsy and I did everything I could to join in and share their life changes and we all survived. Its not always about dropping people or malicious, how many of us have mum friends from school runs and stuff we would have scoffed at in our younger days. We change and evolve and I think the early days, you have to find a tribe, even if they are massive twats, there is solidarity and reassurance in being with other people who relate to your particular life at that time.

Yes, this. After I had my dc, I found that my friends stopped contacting me to ask if I wanted to go out. They assumed the answer would be no, so didn't even bother to ask. Meanwhile, I felt abandoned, and like they didn't give a shit about me any more. Whenever I contacted them, they were always doing something else and in the end I realised I was doing all the chasing to no effect, so I stopped.

You can't act like their child doesn't exist

I never did this to anyone and l had twins. Having children does not mean all manners and consideration for others goes out the window