Why do so many mums ditch their childfree friends?

[Sishirunak70]

Especially when those friends are accommodating, take an interest in your child/children and willing to work around you?
Why do you now only associate with other Mums and think that they 'just won't get it?'

Why do you let them disappear from your life since you became a mother? Whilst I understand it's hard, it's not impossible.
There are far too many martyrs around who believe they're the only person to have ever given birth, everything must now revolve around them and that nobody else can ever be tired or busy, except for them.

I’m aware of this. Hence why I sack off any friends with kids for at least 5 years often more. I’ve been like OP before na felt hurt and disappointed but it’s far more sensible for me and them that we part ways for a season.

Oh, I get where you are coming from. Many of my friends, particularly with their PFBs became…a bit patronising and self important? I couldn’t POSSIBLY understand, competitive tiredness, far preferred to spend time with other mum friends and (my personal favourite) tell me they were “sad” for me that I’d never experience love like it, I’d never be “so fulfilled” etc etc.
Hang in there, they pretty much all returned to “normal” within a few years! One actually apologised for being such a sanctimonious twat 🤣🤣
And I do get it. Having a child is a life changing, exhausting, hormone ridden time.
I am now the childless friend who looks after the DC in an emergency or for date night or we have child free weekends away. It’s all good xx

What a psychotic thing to say. You drop your friends the moment they get pregnant, having decided in advance, on no evidence, that they are going to behave in a certain unpleasant, stereotyped way?

Be a much better friend.

I had one friend who, after I told her I was pregnant at 40 over a nice one-on-one lunch during which she expressed her congratulations, literally never responded to my attempts to contact her again. I then moved countries for a few years when still on maternity leave and only saw her again when we started working at the same place about twelve years later.

She apologised for going silent, said she'd always assumed I would stay childfree and had found it terribly hard when I switched categories in her head. Because she was in her fifties when I first met her, and had never talked about it, I'd had no idea that she would have loved children, but it had been too late once she found her life partner after two messy short marriages on another continent long before I'd known her.

Similarly, another apparently happily childfree friend whom I'd only known when he was in his fifties, ended up telling me he'd struggled with me getting pregnant at 40 because, again, unbeknownst to anyone who didn't know them at the time, he and his (much older) wife had wanted children, had unsuccessful very early IVF, and had then almost broken up over whether to adopt. This had happened many years before I got to know them and wasn't something they talked about easily.

I also have childfree friends who have never contemplated having a baby, obviously, or thought about it and decided it wasn't for them.

My point is that no one, whether they're a parent or not, is a one-note stereotype, and to behave as if they are is being a very poor friend.

I was really hurt when those two friends went silent on me, but I accepted that they had their reasons, even if I didn't know what they were till later. And I didn't pre-emptively ditch my other friends without children.

I’m very sympathetic to your post and responded to your original question above, but on this point you are wrong I’m afraid - though it depends on each situation.

Having a baby and a toddler was the most demanding thing I’ve ever done.
Sitting on the executive committee of a company with frequent travel was actually less relentless and stressful.

Usually whatever you are doing when childfree stops, or can be prioritised or delayed. Having two young children is relentless in a way that’s impossible to understand if you haven’t done it. It really was extraordinarily stressful and I’m very glad we’re past that stage.

One of my childless friends said people came back after about 10 years. I’ve been the opposite - able to keep up with childless friends while kids were small due to great husband, but now finding I simply can’t be away from my teenagers at the weekends to see my friends, as well as often during the week with work travel. It’s the friends rather than my kids that I have to sacrifice.

Where are these friends from? Some friendships drift or are formed because you're in a certain situation together but don't last once you're not in that situation anymore (like the majority of work friendships).

I don't know anyone who has behaved as you've described, personally. One of my closest friends is child free. We don't meet up as often now - no more 'fancy a drink after work' texts, but we still make time to see each other and keep in contact. We both know that the other would be there through the terrible times (and we have been). I've sometimes found that child free friends don't 'get' the juggle and that I just don't have the same disposable income or time as I did before, but they were funtime friends really, and that's fine - we've just grown in different directions.

I get it, especially if you were expected to spend hundreds on hen week-ends and birthday meals out etc previously. People can be thoughtless and some people do just move on, with or without kids. Sadly, I think it is time for you to downgrade this friendship - you don't have to never see her again, just Christmas/birthday cards would keep the connection without getting into suggesting meet ups etc.

I'm not saying their behaviour was okay, and of course they should have apologised. I'm just saying that this kind of thing is why it's often easier to socialise with other parents. Other parents would be less likely to make food that would be ruined by a delay, and they would probably not be offended by lateness or leaving early because they've been there, etc.

I disagree that they're not being unreasonable.

Of course, some parents will be struggling with disabled or high needs children, or doing it alone, but if you have a partner at home, there is no reason you can't leave the baby with their dad for an hour or so and meet your friends for a coffee.

It's never men who neglect their friendships and their hobbies.

I think many mums are just worn out! Often Sarah who has a child of similar age will be easy to relate to .and understand where you are coming from, as they are experiencing similar! Its not a personal affront to you.Often they are working as well now .Maybe try a round Robin at Christmas? see if anyone up for a night out. Maybe stick with the girls from the office and see how that goes .I think its a shame as female friends are invaluable

But how can this not be true?

With young children you do all the BS life admin for yourself plus 1, 2, 3 other dependent beings. On weekends, unless you have family support, you have to care for them yourself and take them everywhere. Reading, feeding, playing, supervising, entertaining, managing behaviour all day.

Childfree people often have busy and fulfilling lives but as someone rightly mentioned already, it’s a choice (to meet with friends, push forward in career, go on holidays, keep up with hobbies).

I don’t get how this is offensive whatsoever.

Having children is a choice too. It hasn’t been forced on you.

to make it clearer, because YOU are not a friend, and YOU are the problem?

There are far too many martyrs around who believe they're the only person to have ever given birth, everything must now revolve around them and that nobody else can ever be tired or busy, except for them.

they are not ditching their childfree friends, they're stepping away from toxic people?

A lot of parents are also busy through choice, though.

I mean, I am constantly reading threads on here where parents are taking their kids to 6+ activities a week, using their weekends to drive them here, there and everywhere and then wondering why they're all shattered.

When I was growing up, all these activities just were not an option. My parents simply said "no, I'm tired from work", and that was that. Or "no, Saturdays are not being taken up by x" and again, that was that.

This was me, too. Always organising baby showers and parties, babysitting and going to soft plays only to be kicked to the side once the new mum or school group friends made an appearance.

I don’t do any of it anymore and if I’m being completely honestly I distance myself before the birth now because I know what’s coming anyway.

but people with children have been child-free before?
They KNOW what it's like. They can make an easy comparison.
No one is saying you can't be tired, but it's fair to say it's not the same, at least for them. They have lived through both.

What real love is. I don't know what you are projecting here 😂

Not about busyness per se but life before children isn’t the same as life without children.

None of my friends have been accommodating with my kids and that's with them being mums (to older kids) themselves.
Some very close friends have never once asked how my youngest was, or asked to visit etc etc. it is very hurtful.

With friends who don't have kids I struggle to suggest stuff that they will like to do where I can take the kids along. It's either just me without the kids or I don't see them. So it's hard.

Er.... they dont.

I have two kids and am still great friends with people in my social circle who didn't have kids, and ive known them since I was at school with them.

However, this involves effort on BOTH sides, not just on the person who has kids. It's really unfair to think that only the person who has kids should be making an effort to keep the friendship going.

Thankfully my friends are great so we have all made the effort to be flexible and accommodating because we care about each other.

I think it's hard here because the mums feel they need to constantly put the kids first and arrange playdates etc so their kid has friends at school. We are afraid of our kids not having friends or being bullied etc
You sound like a lovely friend and it is a shame you've been cast aside but I would try not taking it personally. It's lack of time, being knackered, being ill, dealing with more admin with nurseries or schools. Fucking everything!

Yes I get this. I grew up in the 60s and 70s under the benign neglect model of parenting. Was expected to entertain myself most of the time. Made my much more self reliant.

But isn't that just...normal?

I don't want to see my friends kids. One of the reasons I'm childfree is because I don't want to be around children.

You still exist as a person outside of your kids - you owe it to yourself to still spend time with your friends without them.

I was raised in the nineties and I was just expected to fit in around my parents' most of the time. There was just no way they would have entertained the idea of driving me around to multiple sports or activities or classes, especially if that class was on a Saturday morning 😂

but that's being a parent.

It's not normal to ignore your kids all weekend, it's literally your job to give them opportunities and take them to activities. It's possible to say you are exhausted without actually complaining about it.

When people run a semi or a marathon, they'll tell you they're knackered. They are not complaining about it, they WANT to race. It's just factual, they are tired.

They could spend the entire weekend slobbing in front of the tv, they don't want to.

Projecting what? It’s literally what people with children say. That they never knew what real love was until they had children. I don’t have them. And I’ve never said it. So why is it me projecting anything when it’s being said TO me?

Interesting. I don't see friendship that way, even absent the kids issue. I think if an adult decides not to spend as much time on friendships for any reason - work, marriage, volunteering, raising ferrets, whatever - they are free to make that choice.