Why do so many mums ditch their childfree friends?

[Sishirunak70]

Especially when those friends are accommodating, take an interest in your child/children and willing to work around you?
Why do you now only associate with other Mums and think that they 'just won't get it?'

Why do you let them disappear from your life since you became a mother? Whilst I understand it's hard, it's not impossible.
There are far too many martyrs around who believe they're the only person to have ever given birth, everything must now revolve around them and that nobody else can ever be tired or busy, except for them.

Nobody said anything about "ignoring your kids all weekend".

But taking your kids to multiple activities is absolutely a choice. No child needs to attend activities every weekend as well as after school. No parent needs to spend every weekend stood by a football pitch in the pissing rain for years on end. It's a choice.

There's absolutely no way my parents would have indulged that - this stream of constant activities for kids is very new - it absolutely isn't "just being a parent".

I have kids. I also have a normal DH so we take turn to spend quite a few weekends away with friends or doing various hobbies (we also do go away together sometimes 😂). Many of my friends are child-free.

I am not glue to my kids.

But if someone was telling me what you just wrote, I wouldn't see them anymore. It's very unpleasant and patronising.

Of course they're free to make whatever choice they like.

But if you choose to spend all your time on your kids/job/ferrets - you can't then complain when your old friends have moved on and aren't interested in picking up with you once your kid/work/ferret phase of life is over.

Unfortunately until you have kids I don’t think you realise how busy many people with kids truly are. It’s like people saying they are tired before having kids - okay, well take a nap on the weekend, go to bed earlier, have a lie in?! When you have kids and (especially when you are working & have kids) your entire schedule is often dictated by meeting someone else’s needs before your own.

Many kids wake up at the crack of dawn, then need sorting out before work/school, then parents do the school run, straight to work, finish work, collect the kids, feed/homework/clubs/spend time with them/bath and then straight into bedtime. By the time you have then tidied the house, sorted things for the next day & got yourself ready for bed many parents have absolutely nothing left in the tank - add to this the constant overstimulation of little people, it’s quite hard to muster up the enthusiasm to message people and make plans. Typically other mum’s are more understanding of all of this & therefore you tend to have more in common with them. To add to this even more, I often find myself ‘boring’ compared to a lot of non-parents & feel like I don’t have much to add to the conversation because whilst my kids are small they are the main priority in my life.

What's unpleasant about not wanting to see someone else's kids in your free time and telling someone they should allow themselves time with their friends without their kids in tow?

I have Mum friends of all ages and have tried to be a good friend to them and support them. I work 4 days and sometimes on my day off I meet a friend and her 2 toddlers to be an extra pair of hands and we take them somewhere and we do days out in school holidays with mine too.
I would never ditch good friends because my kids are at a different stage. It just isn’t something I’d do.

My two closest friends dont have children (and dont want them) Maybe you just werent as close as you thought?

Totally agree with this.
I’ve had people tell me I don’t know tired until I’ve had a child, don’t know busy, don’t know real love etc 🙄

I am very supportive of my friends who are parents, I love their kids, we hang out, I babysit. I understand when they cancel etc I haven’t always seen the same understanding come back to me and my difficulties.

Also, I hate the pointed comments about being so lucky to have spare time, what a luxury to sit down and binge a box set, stay out until 4 etc
It’s always said with a tone of ‘your life is so easy’ or ‘you are lazy and need to grow up’.

No thanks. 😀

Luckily as we’ve got older I’ve pulled back from the people above and have a lovely mix of friends. Single, married, child free, older kids, still in the early years. It’s great and we’re very accepting of each other, our lives and our choices. They do still think they have the monopoly on tired though. 😀😉

Yes, it is a choice.

Technically kids just need food, water and a shelter. Being a parent is providing more than basic needs 😂

No parent needs to spend every weekend stood by a football pitch in the pissing rain for years on end. It's a choice.
refusing to take your kids to sport because you are lazy is not great parenting let's be honest, they like football, you encourage football. Sport is essential in life.and you buy a dry robe and make friends with other parents

*this stream of constant activities for kids is very new - it absolutely isn't "just being a parent"
It really isn't. My parents were doing exactly the same. Sport competitions and tournaments are not a new thing, we had them at the weekend and training during the week. Kids have always done sport/ music/ foreign language/ art/ drama, it's not a modern fad

I don't know why people act like it's a recent thing for kids to have interests

Of course they’re free to make that choice but they can’t expect their friends to be fine about it, or to be waiting around for them once they decide they can be bothered again. Friendships take effort, and if they’re important (which they should be) to you you need to put that effort in, not just expect it to all be done for you. If they’re not important then crack on but don’t expect to have any friends when you decided you want them again.

Nobody said anything about "refusing to take your kids to a sport" though

But there's a huge difference between your kid liking football so you take them to the park at weekends or for the odd kick-about after school, and spending hours every single week taking them to football games. The former is normal parenting, the latter is a choice.

Children don't need to go to multiple activities every week. Yes, they need exercise. Yes, they need a parent to encourage their interests. Yes, they need to try new things - but there are ways of doing that that don't involve hours of driving and shuttling them about here, there and everywhere every weekend.

You are no longer useful to them. They need people with whom they can share their experiences. Your life is different from theirs.

But fewer activities doesn't equal more free time... My kids need exercise and looking after on a Saturday morning either way. In fact, at least if they're at a club I can faff around on my phone for an hour. I'm not less busy if I take them to the park instead am I?

You are contradicting yourself.

If you don't refuse to take your kids to a sport, then.. you do take them?
And it involves training, competitions, and weekends? You can't do a half-arsed effort to take them twice a month when you feel like it?

YOU join a class or a club, you go once or several times a week, regularly.

so you take them to the park at weekends or for the odd kick-about after school huh? what's the point of that? 😂They want to be with their friends and in a team, they want to learn the skills, the rules, practice?

but there are ways of doing that that don't involve hours of driving
People shouldn't have kids if they are only ready to be involved in the least inconvenient way for them.

Many kids even have weekend sport tours, competitions abroad, decent parent are happy for them, not resentful!

Children don't need to go to multiple activities every week.
they deserve to have that chance though, sad if they don't.

The point was more that the park (or whatever) can be flexible and fit around other things, but if your child has to be somewhere at 9am every Saturday then you're making an additional job for yourself.

I don't really see the point in continuing this discussion as you're just turning everything I say into hyperbole and acting as though I've said things I haven't.

you are recommending taking the kids to kick a ball in the park instead of joining clubs.

It's just a ridiculous and unrealistic suggestion.

You are trying to pretend parents are martyrs because they are being normal parents, it's a bit silly.

Sorry op I have found the opposite. I lost a couple of childfree friends after having kids as they no longer wanted to meet up with me.

Nope, not always. There are women who didn’t choose to have a child who are still mothers. Not that it’s relevant to what I actually said.

Is not having children is always a choice, too?

Not really. Lots of kids do better with routine, structure and regular exercise in my opinion. Our lives are easier if we know what is happening, and I don't think that is unusual.

You are definitely not being unreasonable OP. It’s pathetic really. I have a friend whom I’ve had for years. She’s doesn’t have kids but I have never stopped seeing her or doing things with her. She was always happy to do things with my kids and of course without.

I don’t understand why you’re getting the responses you are, I can only assume it’s from people being “guilty” of doing what you have described.

Of course it's not unrealistic and ridiculous - millions of children had/have childhoods were they never attend a single club or organised activity and somehow they all manage to survive perfectly well 😂

It’s also excruciatingly dull after the first couple of months of mat leave. I was desperate to get back to normal conversation but all the mum friends from baby groups etc wanted to do was talk about babies. My childfree friends kept me sane in those times and ever since, but then I didn’t expect my world and theirs to revolve around my kids and I certainly did not expect them to go away and accept me not contacting them for years. 20 odd years on the mum friends are forgotten and the other friends including my childfree ones are still around. And the idea that my childfree doctor friend was less busy than I was (or ever been) is hilarious.

I agree about the reasons you gave but disagree about advice that op should remain in touch. Everyone has priorities in life, you are obsessed with your child ( your words) but that doesn’t mean for someone like op her issues are not important. So if you trivialise what feels important to your childfree friend and you dont want to hear about what’s happening in their life best is to not continue one sided friendship.

This in spades.