Why do so many mums ditch their childfree friends?

[Sishirunak70]

Especially when those friends are accommodating, take an interest in your child/children and willing to work around you?
Why do you now only associate with other Mums and think that they 'just won't get it?'

Why do you let them disappear from your life since you became a mother? Whilst I understand it's hard, it's not impossible.
There are far too many martyrs around who believe they're the only person to have ever given birth, everything must now revolve around them and that nobody else can ever be tired or busy, except for them.

OP, I think a lot of people are just wishy washy, they don't particularly need an excuse.
My best friend (or what I thought) had a child 10 years before me. I did all the kid dates, went to her house after bedtime, babysat etc.
I had my son when hers was 10 and she did nothing to help me out. Wouldn't come to my house, only ever wanted to go to the pub, acted like I was an inconvenience whenever I couldn't go out, certainly showed me.

What might look like "ditching" to someone who's life hasn't significantly changed is almost certainly a woman's who's life has changed to a focus on survival and much less capacity for fun and friendship.

Honestly, having a newborn is really hard work, it's relentless, and you don't get time off.

The thing about parents is that they have been people without children beforehand. So they know how busy and tired they were. And how busy and tired they now are.

I've worked nights, 12 or 24 hour shifts in very stressful environments. DD almost broke me. I was clinically unwell from sleep deprivation. And critically, couldn't ever have a day off, or a night with sleep.

You don't understand. That's not your fault. And I kept in touch with childfree friends so parents do. If you'd mentioned your last paragraph to me while I was unwell, I wouldn't have stayed friends with you.

And yet friendships drift, not infrequently, when life circumstances change, and/or distance is involved (which it sounds as if it is in the OP’s case), regardless of earlier investment or effort, regardless of whether children are involved.

Isn’t it perfectly possible that if the PP lives at a distance to the others that they’re reluctant to invite her to trek all the way to some soft play thing where an overtired/teething/out of sorts child, or one who gets a bad knock, has a poonami through their second set of clothes etc might mean one or more parents have to leave again after half an hour?

I remember once inviting an old friend to our house for lunch when DH was away and DS was under two. She’d driven an hour and a half, and we hadn’t seen one another for months, and DS for some reason kicked off, wouldn’t nap and just screamed and tantrummed, and I felt terrible for putting her through an experience that was so thoroughly unenjoyable for both of us!

This isn't my experience, having been both a childless woman and a woman with children.

I thought I was busy before, working full-time, volunteering, having hobbies, but I honestly had no idea how relentless and exhausting parenthood would be.

I signed up for it, of course, but I didn't have a lot of capacity for friends or nights out for a few years.

I have friends with children and friends without, have maintained great relationships with all friends in the last five or so years since we started having babies.

When I’m meeting up with friends and I’m with my toddler, I prefer to meet up with other friends who have children too, and our children can play together, we all “get it” when we get distracted by our children and conversation doesn’t flow quite so well. I just find it easy.
However when I meet up with friends when I have my son with me and they don’t have children, I find it harder. I feel guilty when they’re telling me a story and I have to keep turning away to tend to my child, and conversation is very stop start. They smile and say they don’t mind and they understand, but I just feel bad. I don’t feel very “present” with my friends when my son is there too.

Id rather meet up with friends without our children, it’s easier and more fun. So love a Tuesday night cinema trip or Friday night meal out. But they’re harder to come by when organising childcare etc, and being knackered from work.

So I’d say more of my socialising is with other mum friends, walks and parks just because it’s easier. It doesn’t mean I love my child free friends any less. But I definitely see mum friends more because it’s just…easier.

All the child-free friends I had before dc, I still have. We never drifted apart. I saw them less for years, but I saw everyone less cuz I was busy as.

Most of the 'mum' friends I had after having DC, have years later drifted apart after the children grew up. Or are casual acquaintances now. We didn't really have that much in common apart from raising children. (Some of course are still good friends.)

God I love being with my child free friends - I love going out with people who don’t want to talk about children and just go out and have a wild night

One hour is several years on earth.

Absolutely friendships drift and it's completely understandable when children come along.
My post was to a poster saying OP sounds utterly horrendous which isn't true and unnecessarily nasty.

Yes exactly. Sorry, but with the best will in the world, a childless/childfree woman is not as busy or tired and worn out as a woman with children. In the majority of cases anyway. And especially if the mum works - even part time. She will be far busier and more worn out and frazzled than a childless/childfree woman.

Lovely advice!

I suppose in some cases it's because it's stressful to socialise with kids in tow, divide your time and attention and so on, and life is often busy so its hard to find the time without them around.
Id take a stab in the dark and venture that when friends take the attitude that you're a martyr who thinks you're the only one to have given birth, it doesn't do much to keep the flames of friendship burning either.

Unfortunately that’s due to opinions like a lot of people on here I’m sure. As I said I now just stop bothering with any friends as soon as they say they are pregnant. Because why would I want my life to be viewed as meaningless, pointless or insignificant as well as never being allowed to say I’m tired, stressed or busy without the other person rolling their eyes at me.

No, but the majority of my friends do and they have somehow managed not to make them their entire identity and still manage to meet up and continue their old friendships.

I get so sick of the trope that parents are just sooo busy and sooo tired all the time so they cannot possibly have time to send a message or meet for a coffee.

Op it’s hard when friendships drift. Especially when you’re close.
my old bestie ditched me as soon as she got a bf. I had kids but she didn’t. It really hurt at the time.
my friends who have stuck around have mostly been other mums. Although I do have some childless friends who I make the effort with.
I feel your pain but i also think you’d be better trying to make some other friends, childless or not, who make the effort with you.

God no, I loved a bit of Emma hen do drama gossip but I had a great DH and could switch off - lots of new mums can’t.

I don't think it's quite that - parents are not one homogenous group. Some parents will be too busy/tired for friendships and some won't. Imo the point is more that those who are too busy/tired are not being unreasonable, they're just... busy, and tired. 😆

I was the opposite, I needed my child-free friends to survive. Clearly couldn’t see as mmuch of them as previously due to the existence of children who you can’t just leave unattended, but made the effort to get dinners in the diary on a frequent basis!

15 years on I have sadly drifted apart from one of them who took great offence when I had to leave a weekend away with the girls early due to family and work issues. I’m very sad about that but the decision to minimise contact was hers not mine. Unfortunately family does come first when there are problems and I get that’s really hard for some people who don’t have families to understand.

This. You sound very martyred.

Having children changes your life. Things which previously you could do without thinking become impossible without military project management. Time becomes your most precious commodity because you never have any. It sounds like a patronising cliche but you can’t understand this until you have been through it.

That’s not a reason to drop child free friends: only an arsehole would think they can only get on with other parents. But it does mean you have to make time with friends count. And it means some things have to give.

You sound a bit resentful and this energy is probably something your friends are picking up. They have a lot of things now which to be candid are higher priorities than catering to your wounded pride.

You have two choices now: either accept that the friendship may need to adjust with good grace and try to think about how to do this sensitively or flounce off.

One way gives you options, the other doesn’t.

If you think your child isn’t developing normally - quite frankly yes. Her boyfriend problems are inconsequential to the consistent low level worry and anxiety you feel as a mother toward your offspring. It’s primeval and instinctive.

I’m out the other side of this, my friends are drifting back now the kids are teens/older. I’m happy to pick things back up with some and not others.

Not sure I understand what you mean. 6 other people moved things to accommodate them and they just did what they wanted anyway. All food ruined, attendees hangry, their food was wasted and we shouldn’t have bothered as they couldn’t have given less of shit and left as soon as they had arrived. They didn’t feel an ounce of guilt or say sorry. They live 3 minutes drive from us

I felt pretty exhausted while caring for my mum who had dementia. I imagine on many ways it was quite similar to a toddler - answering the same questions over and over again, being woken up several times a night, dealing with pee and poo accidents - only without the fun bits and the knowledge that things would get easier.

I spend time with friends without my kids.not as often as id like. Im a single parent